Have you ever seen the ending so nice? You feel so free like you're high as a kite

[Heaven at Night-Kid Cudi]

everything worked out :)

Don't worry, even if things end up a bit too heavy we'll all float alright

[Float On-Modest Mouse]

Things always have a way of working themselves out :)

For some reason, this made me giggle.

Stumbleupon also brought me to String Spin. (click it!)

i think its entertaining to play with... maybe im just lame

Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride.

[Life Ain't Always Beautiful-Gary Allen]

life is full of painful experiences. frankly, i feel like life has been shit lately. but every once and awhile, something truly beautiful comes along that makes you realize why you put up with this big shit storm every day.

harrison took me to the windmills the other night. i had seen them once during the day, but never at night. they were beautiful. miles of red lights, all around. we drove out to the middle of nowhere, down unnamed gravel roads, until we got into the center of the windmills. we parked under one, facing towards lafayette. The light interference from the city made the sky purple in the distance, and the red lights blinked against it. it was really beautiful to see.

i dont know what to say. i just wish things were better. life can hurt like a bitch.

Are we not having fun? You're making mountains out of handkerchiefs, where the mascara always runs.

[Heretics-Andrew Bird]

i walked home.

it was snowing.

sometimes life is beautiful.

eventually reality sets in

i hate how we ended up.

C-Tooley, this is for you.

First off, C-Tooley, im calling you out so that there is no confusion as to whom this about. Also, id like to note that dani has absolutely nothing to do with this, and this entire post is of my own accord (though that might make very little difference to you/you might have trouble recognizing this fact, and im sure you will use this post just to further beat the poor dead horse that this topic has become.)



i tried not to get involved because this is not my fight, but for some unfathomable reason, you refuse to give this up. I understand that you have very few other friends and that its difficult to let the one good friend you had go, but youve fucked this friendship up. get over it and leave dani alone. at this point, there is nothing you can do and anything past this point is just harassment for the sake of being dramatic. its stupid. just stop. im sure you feed on this sort of thing to keep your life interesting, but its really just a bother to everyone else. knock it off. here is my advice: shut the hell up. stop texting her, stop commenting on blog posts that have absolutely nothing to do with you, stop facebook chatting, stop communicating. at this point, it is best to just give up, collect whats left of this, and go your separate ways.



Second, I dont know where you get off thinking that you are better than everyone else. Trust me, honey, your aren't. You have picked up a superiority complex along the way that is totally off base. But seriously, dont judge. I know from personal experience that judging someone is a good way to wreck a relationship. Just because you dont agree with someones life choices doesnt mean that you can sit back and pass judgement. Its not your place. secretly, i think this judgement is born from jealousy, resentment, and insecurity. contrary to your belief, a person can have more than one friend at a time. you werent being "replaced." that was just insecurity on your part and nothing more.



This is my biggest point. Pay attention to this one. This one topic is really what caused me to write this. YOU SHOULD NEVER, EVER TALK SHIT ABOUT SOMEBODYS MOTHER. that was a fucking low blow and you know it. the blog post and initial comments had nothing to do with you. it was between dani and her mother. those comments were so very out of line and uncalled for. danis mother is a wonderful woman and a good mother, and such disrespectful things should never be said about her. such foul and disrespectful things should never be said about anybodys mother. i am close with my mother, and the thought of anybody who has a problem with me dragging her name through the mud because they are too immature and petty to take it up with me absolutely infuriates me. I find it hard to believe, given how close you seem to be with your mother, that this kind of thing would happen. i could sit here and say that your mother is a piece of white trash gutter slut. i could sit here and say that your mother is a manipulative, controlling, overbearing bitch just like you. and how would all that make you feel? however, im not that kind of person so i wont say those things, but think about your own mother and how you would feel before you start down that path.



seriously, this whole fight and implosion of a friendship was over nothing. it was stupid. a good friendship was ruined over something that wont matter in 20 years. i think you have a great deal of growing up and maturing to do before you can ever actually have a friendship with any true merit.



Again, i wasnt trying to jump into the hot mess that this fight has become. but you are crossing the line. you continue to harass somebody i love, and its upsetting me. my best friends mother, who has been nothing less than wonderful to me, has been dragged into your silly fight, and that upsets me too. i tried to take the high road on this one and just speak my mind. trust me, i have the capacity to say horrific things with no remorse simply because i know thats what will hurt the worst. i didnt, because i really just wish for all this silliness to stop. let it end and move on.

Dress shopping :D

its time to go dress shopping again! im going to the Founder's Day formal at the house. im going with sizlak. he might not have been my first choice, but hes a nice guy, and i know ill have fun with him because hes my friend. im excited to go actually, because what girl doesnt love an excuse to get all dolled up?

Wake up the dawn and ask her why, a dreamer dreams she never dies

[Champagne Supernove-oasis]

its an interesting feeling when someone you love stabs you in the back. its a terrible feeling, but interesting nonetheless. it hurts, because this is someone you loved and trusted. it hurts because you dont feel like you would ever hurt them in the same fashion. i think it makes you feel alone; if you dont have the people who are supposed to be closest to you, who do you have? it seems easier to withdraw from people, because its harder to trust or care about people, because they could ultimately hurt you too. but at the same time, its an entirely important life experience that everyone has to go through. it reinforces that people will ultimately let you down. it teaches you not to trust as fully as you could. but at the same time, it lets you see the people who actually care about you. it makes you value the few people in your life that you do trust explicitly, because they are so rare.



its an interesting feeling getting over it too. it would be so easy to get angry, to yell, to accuse, to be just as terrible. but after awhile, you just have to let it go, and accept it for what it is. its not worth all the anger and pain holding onto it can cause. its just one more life lesson that you have to acknowledge and move on from.

tyler confirmed what i knew all along. shes fucking the one person that was off limits. i was incredibly upset about it, but i realized neither of them are really worth it. i dont think i can trust her at all anymore, but there is nothing i can do about it except appreciate the people i can trust and move on. im not upset by them. i feel so much lighter.

I don't want to come back down from this cloud.

[Comedown-Bush]

i rarely dream anymore.

Don't judge me.

i am once again the reigning champion of catan.

Sometimes things get complicated

[Sometimes Things Get, Whatever-Deadmau5]

I have the potential to be terrible.

Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain?

[Black Hole Sun-Soundgarden]

do you think if you pretend hard enough you could make something come true?





i am at a crossroads.





i dont want to think shes lying to me. she said she i was her best friend. i do not want to believe that she looked me right in the eye and with all sincerity lied straight to my face. i think that would actually hurt more than her just admitting it.





so if i ignore what i think is true, and pretend i never read those text messages, can we just make things go back to the way we were? or will this eventually eat at me, even though i dont think i want to deal with this?





one road leads me towards this play-pretend scenario. i hope and pray that she was telling the truth and ignore everything else in hopes that we will just be fine.The other road could ultimately lead me away from her.



I think i want the first one.



I hope she doesnt hurt me.

I can only tell you what it feels like, and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe.

[Love the Way You Lie-Eminem]

I think i might go away for a while. or maybe forever. i feel like my whole life is crumbling around me, and im not sure how to stop it. and i dont know if its even worth fixing. i think that i could go somewhere else, somewhere far away, and i could be someone completely different. and maybe, just maybe, i could be happy.

...

It gets really hard to deal with everyone elses bullshit all the time. I have enough trouble dealing with my own.

Something I can't change, I'll live around it

[Slide-Goo Goo Dolls]

i have a thermo exam tomorrow night. i do not feel all that alarmed after taking the practice exam. either he is lulling us into a false sense of security, or his exam wont be that outlandish. im praying for the second. and if it is ridiculous and difficult? i dont really care at this point. i already made a hot mess of my ChE 377 exam, might as well add one more failure to the list.

on a positive note, i got a 138/150 on my orgo exam and a 94/100 on my bio exam. its tragic really. im doing fine in classes that dont have a single thing to do with my major, but im failing the hell out of my chemical engineering classes. bummer.

ps: the song "slide" by the goo goo dolls is a brilliant song. positively brilliant.

We all need a place so we can go, and feel over the rainbow.

[Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight-Amos Lee]

Current favorite song: Keep it Loose, Keep it Tight by Amos Lee.

its lovely. listen to it.

And there ain't nothin gonna stop me, so just envy it

[I'm Me-Lil' Wayne]

i always prided myself on being ok. i always said "ill be ok. im always ok." and i always made sure i was. no matter what happened, i made it ok. i think that was the worst part of all this. i no longer felt ok. i let everyone else make me feel not ok. and once i lost my ok-ness, things felt out of control. im tired of letting other people control how i feel. i want to feel ok again. Also, i have a message to every person who brought me down:

To my boss: Fuck you. you are paying me 8 (and sometimes 12) dollars an hour to stand around and despise you and do minimal work. every single time you sign my paycheck, you are kissing my ass. you are nothing more than a middle-aged college dropout who has nothing to look forward to but managing a little hole-in-the-wall pizza place on a college campus for the next twenty years while all of your employees go on to be better than you. im getting my degree, bitch. you are just a stepping stone to better things.

To my roommate: Fuck you. you have no right to judge me, because although you like to pretend you are, you are no angel. you are little more than a lonely person who hides behind her good grades and resume builders. without all of your awards and accolades, you have nothing. no friends, no fun, no life experience. you cling to me because without me, you have nobody besides your equally as judgemental boyfriend. i have friends, i do things, i experience things, and you are jealous so you judge me. you have no right.

To my roommates equally as judgemental boyfriend: Fuck you. you also have no right to judge me. you tell me that you worry about me and my life, well stop kidding yourself. your life is no more together than mine. you have alienated yourself from former friends and any potential friends for a girl who doesnt even love you anymore. you gave up your identity to please her, and now you are nothing more than an extension of your lonely girlfriend. when she finally decides to leave you, you wont have anyone or anything because you judged everyone away. at least i stand on my own two feet and create my own path, whether it be right or wrong.

To the boy who broke up with me: Fuck you. I am who I am, and if you cant appreciate me for that, then i dont need you. I am a positively lovely human being, indecisiveness and all. You made me happy, but you are not the only thing in life that did. I will still be happy without you. I will find someone who loves my silly hair and my semi-indecisiveness. I allowed you to make me feel bad about myself, but i wont any longer, because i know ultimately you are missing out.

To everyone else who judged me or tried to bring me down: Fuck you, too. I'm tired of being judged for what I do. I'm me.

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive

[Of all the Gin Joints in all the World-Fall Out Boy]

im starting to believe things dont actually ever get better. they just get slightly less bad.

And so castles made of sand slip into the sea, eventually

[Castles Made of Sand-Jimi Hendrix]

that felt worse than i thought it would :(

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good.

[Pursuit of Happiness-Kid Cudi]

i cried because i felt like i had lost everything that made me happy.

i think i might be on way back up.

This used to be air and I really miss breathing. There used to be grass underneath the trees.

[The Sun Shines on Everything-Jason Reeves]

I found some brilliantly chill new music. Jason Reeves. My favorite song is "The Sun Shines on Everything"

I also enjoy Course of Nature, especially "Right Before My Eyes" and "Time is Slipping Away"

Couldn't seem to change to suit you better, what a waste of time we were together

[Time is Slipping Away-Course of Nature]

my new goal in life is to be more decisive.





once it was pointed out to me, i realized i did in fact have trouble making decisions. i was so worried that i would make the wrong decision, so i just never made any at all. i found that i often ended up with things i didnt want, in situations that i probably could have avoided because i never decided for myself.





i wish i had figured this out sooner.

Swimming through the ashes of another life, no real reason to accept the way things have changed

[45-Shinedown]

work made me cry today.

i hate everywhere.

Dandelions lost in the summer skies, when you and I were getting high as outer space

[Crow and the Butterfly-Shinedown]

"There will be other nights i guess"


"but that wont bring back this one"





i found this blog from a while ago that i never posted. it was something cute that he said to me a few weeks ago. now it just makes me sad. its things like this that make me miss the silly little non-existant thing we had going on. i feel like i shouldnt be sad, because as everyone pointed out "it was never official." and i only knew him like 2 months. so there is really no giant emotional attachment. but it just seems like one more thing right now that makes me feel unhappy. i find it hard to feel genuinely happy about anything lately. i know nothing significantly bad has happened. im at college, which i love, with my friends that i love. i just dont feel happy. i feel like all ive done since i moved back is cry. that is not an exaggeration, or some sympathy plea. it is a statement of fact that i am observing about myself. i dont feel happy, and i sit at home and cry. i dont like how i feel. i hate that i have to wake up every day and attend the classes in my major that i am too stupid for, and that i dont really give a flying fuck about. the thought of chemically engineering something for the next 40 years makes me want to swallow a whole bottle of pills. i used to love my job, but now its just a mess of petty squabbling and backstabbing. my apartment barely feels like home. i spend as much of my time at bridges and joels as i do at home. i feel constantly judged and generally alone when im home. and i thought i found a nice guy who seemed to enjoy being around me. he was nice to me, and he was fun, and he seemed to like me for who i was, silly hair and all. and he made me feel happy from time to time. and somehow between saturday and tuesday i fucked that up too. but i dont know how or what i did or anything. and i just wonder what it is. secretly, i figure he finally recognized what i was saying about him being able to find somebody better. i always expected it really, and i wonder if thats what happened, or if i really did something else wrong. i think thats the worst part. i just dont know. if he would just text me and say "hey. listen, you are a dumb bitch and i realized i cant stand to be around you," at least i would know what i did. at least he wouldnt be ignoring me. but i dont know. people keep telling me im sending mixed signals, and im making things worse, and do this, dont do that. im confused. it sucks. i think i wish i hadnt met him. before, i was alone, but i was ok. and now i feel like im just lonely. i just want to feel happy about something. i really just want to stop crying. but im not sure how.

We are the shaken. We are the monsters underneath your bed, yeah.

[Monsters-Matchbox Romance]

Little Monster.

yeah, i think so.

Randommmm

i wish i wasnt ill anymore. its quite annoying.

im super excited for next weekend. like you have no idea.

i want ice cream.

Im listening to reggae and it is pleasing my ears.

Villa Drama. Boo.

i got in a fight with my manager today. i made her cry. she deserved it. i think she got the point.

TGIF ferreals

itssss fridayyyyy! yeahhhh boyyy! this week seemed really long and tiring. and now its time to partayyyyy. tabatha and jesses wedding tomorrow. closing at work tonight, then probably up to the house to chill. still waiting on baby phoenix to arrive...

deuces!

Oh taking your advice I'm looking on the bright side, and balancing the whole thing.

[You and I Both-Jason Mraz]

joel and i got in a fight today. he was being a rude ass and holding up all my plans so he could use my computer when i distinctly told him i had somewhere to be. and he got all mad when i said something about it. so why do i feel bad about us fighting? this is his fault. he acted like a spoiled child who threw a tantrum when i informed him the world didnt revolve around him. possibly because he is always like this, and i know he is like this, and i accept him like this. normally, i deal with his childishness better, but at the moment i am a PMSing hormonal bitch and i didnt handle it well. boo.

i went bowling with Errrca, Basel, Sizlac, CNN, and Reb (aka guys from the house). it was crazy fun. they are such a fun group of guys to hang out with. yay!

anywayssss. bed time.

Could you sympathize with my needs? I know you think I need a lot.

[Bent-Matchbox Twenty]

he told me the other day that alot of his friends are graduated and moving away at the end of the summer. three of his main friends. gone.

this is potentially bad.

why?

because as it is now, i spend a ridiculous amount of time with the boy. but there are times when he goes to hang out with these other friends. who will he hang out with when they are gone? he says he will make new friends. i hope so.

if his other friends are not around, who will he fill the empty time with? me. always me. i fear he will just cling to me more than he already does.

oh no.

Oh no, there ain't no rest for the wicked until we close our eyes for good

[Ain't No Rest For the Wicked-Cage the Elephant]

Dear Sleep,


Why do you evade me so?
I miss you.


Love,
Me

Am heavy, forever. In the sun, forever. Chewing gum, forever. In the field.

[Forever Heavy-Black Moth Super Rainbow]

i feel like there is so much color in my new blog. im not sure how i feel about it.

also, i dont know what this title has to do with anything in this post.

that is all.

Yikes!

math exam tomorrow morning. Eeeek!

:/

Sometimes, im pretty sure im barking up the wrong tree.

girly silliness and such.

so i might have a crush on a boy. and his name might be jarred. and i might have spent to whole night talking to him. and i might be acting like a stupid girl lol.

Listening enjoyment for yor ears.

So ive been into this wonderful alternative-pop-indie-esque music lately. i feel like sharing.

~That Was Something. Personally, i like the song "Till the Wheels Fall Off"

~Brighten. I really like them. I think "Where We Belong" is a perfectly lovely song.

~Valencia. Not my favorite, but decent nonetheless. "The Space Between" is pretty good.

~The Cab. Im digging the song "High Hopes in Velvet Ropes"

Go listen. Now.

I know we'll somehow make it by. It's been so hard to see, blinded by misery

[Halos-Under the Flood]

i packed some of my stuff up to move back to WL. and this made me strangely sad. ever since i got home, all i wanted was to go back. now that im going back, im not 100% sure its what i want. it makes me sad to leave behind my parents, and my friends. my mom is really sad, and it makes me sad to make her sad. i realized today that i wont make it home for fathers day like i promised because katie has already scheduled me to work. i dunno if ill make it home for moms birthday either. it just seems like i am missing important things and i feel selfish. dani said "its not like you are leaving just to leave." but actually i am. i just used summer class as an excuse to leave. i probably could have taken math next semester. but i didnt want to stay in marion all summer. so i might have exaggerated the importance of taking the class over the summer.

meghan told me today that she would rather me just stay home in marion and be bored than move in with joel. and i wonder if i made a mistake. i worry. im gonna be living with him all summer. i'll be honest. that is a whole lotta me to deal with. and then we go right into the next semester. we scheduled every single class of every single day together. now i realize that we will do our own thing over the summer, and wont see each other too much with class and work and stuff. but still. i worry that he will get ridiculously tired of me, because im fairly certain even i would get tired of me.

and im really worried about my classes. i cant do math, and this is about to be insanely difficult. yay. it is gonna be really difficult.

and i talked to katie today. she said i will never get scheduled for more than 30 hours, probably more like in the 20s. great. how the fuck am i supposed to save money for college? and pay for living? i have no idea. thank you villa for fucking me over. awesome.

and these are the sorts of things i worry about. alot.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear, and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer

[Drive-Incubus]

yesterday i was complaining to errrca that i was still worried about my living situation for the summer. she told me i was being stupid, that had talked to him twice and that it would be ok. i however, for some reason need constant reassurance from him and i was still worried. today, he texted me and told me he had cleaned my room for me. this made me happy for two reasons. 1) this was more of the constant reassurance i needed. 2) i just got out of cleaning. win. he also asked me for more money. originally i had agreed to pay him 200. he only asked me for 100 at the end of school so i had hoped he had forgotten about the other 100. he now wants another 150-200 for rent he says. he told me if i couldnt pay it he would have his mom send him money. that seemed like a bitch move to me, so im just gonna use the money my dad legally has to send me for my living expenses. it bums me out that i have to use the money for its intended purpose, instead of like alcohol or something, but ill get over it. errrca did point out that i could not live anywhere else so close to campus for so cheap so i suppose i shouldnt complain. i have a sneaking suspicion that he is gonna hit his mom up for money anyways, and just get paid double, but i have no evidence other than i just naturally dont trust him on such things. however, i have apparently misjudged him thus far.

A perfect understanding of the finer things in life. A quite alarming knack of knowing of when to twist the knife

[Selfish Jean-Travis]

im pretty sure this is about to be a giant clusterfuck of a blog about alotta different things.



i have exactly 4 work days left at marsh. maybe. i might have to transfer my job to WL. boo. i was so excited about dumping my shitty job as a cashier, but i was informed that i might not get nearly enough hours at villa over the summer. i was promised 35 hours a week by katie. we got a new manger and this stupid bitch is cutting everybodys hours, and giving hours to nobodys that dont deserve hours. katie suggested that i transfer my job at marsh cuz i wouldnt get my hours at villa. piss. i wanted to be rid of that place. but i gotta have money too. i only hope that working at marsh somewhere like WL will be better cuz it will be mostly college students instead of ignorant ass nasty people like we have here in the M. but i have to get my hours, so ill do what i must.



i leave to go back to WL in one week. 7 days. im excited. and i am sad. i feel like this is a reoccurring theme every single time i move, because every single time i leave, i become a little more grown up, and a little more of me leaves home. but this month home really made me realize this place really doesnt have anything left for me. yes, marion will always be "home" in the sense that this is where my family is. this is where i grew up. this was the place of many childhood memories. but marion is no longer "home" in the respect that this is not where the majority of my life is anymore. my friends, with the exception of my beef, and maybe ann a little bit, are all in WL now. my job is in WL. my stuff, my room, everything is in WL. its like the more i establish myself there, the more i lose myself here. but i am excited to move back out on my own. im tired of the silly rules here, and im clearly excited to get back to my friends and fun and such. of course ill miss my beef, and my mom, and bob, and my dog and homecooking and alotta other things, but its time to go.



i have to work tomorrow night. 4:30-10. with janet. i might end up punching her in her fat face.



speaking of people id like to punch... my father ranks pretty far up there on that list. sometimes i think he needs to shut his damn mouth. kelley, a girl i work with, said that she asked him how i was doing away at college. his response? "i dont know. she never talks to me. but if she doesnt get her shit together in college, im gonna put my foot up her ass." 1) dont whine to other people about how i dont talk to you. its because you are a big whiny baby that i despise talking to you anyways. 2) i had a bad semester. but it wasnt horrible. i didnt fail anything. my GPA never dropped below a 3.0 so it couldnt have been that bad. get over it. 3) dont think that suddenly you have a right to judge anything i do in my life. you have never been there or cared before, so dont pretend to now. 4) you have no right to talk shit about me to people i work with. so shut your damn mouth.



today was logans birthday. he is a bagger at work. he had to work the last shift and we felt bad for him, cuz it was his birthday. so me and cierra bought him a card, cupcakes, and a moutain dew and sang him happy birthday. he blushed. logan is mighty good-looking. he should date me. just sayin.



charlie the stock guy creeped on me hardcore. he was pissing me off somethign awful. he basically called me sleazy and a whore. and i wanted to punch him, because he is a creep. luckily, i only have to deal with him one more night before i leave.



anyways, i think im done. for now at least. mostly because im tired lol.

The doctor's prescribed me the pills, but I know I'm not crazy. I just lost my will. So why am I, why am I taking them still?

[Hammers and Strings-Jack's Mannequin]

you know how every once and a while, you come across something that is just so sad it breaks your heart? Today i heard something like that. it broke my heart. it was so sad and depressing. and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think there is anything i can do about it.

I hate my job.

i worked for 12 continuous hours yesterday. GROSS. i was scheduled a 4 hours shift. i switched with Liz for an 8 hours shift. then Jordan asked me to work until midnight for him. 12 noon- 12 midnight. holy hell. and it was busy as fuck. and i had to deal with so many assholes. like there were a few people that i think i literally could have shanked in the eye if i had had a shank and there were no legal reprocussions for said act. i could have done it. ill be honest. i dont like to wait in line any more than the next person does. but it is memorial day weekend, when every person needs to buy stuff so really long lines are to be expected. and for fucks sake people, they are only groceries. no need to get that angry.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF

i had a really great day with my beef today! we hung out at the park for hours. like serious, 5 hours. we sat at a bench by the river and smoked hooka, and bitched about home, and talked about life. and it was awesome. because i love her... but secretly. no homo. :D

but seriously, why was there a coffee can of dead fish and why did that small boy have to open it?

Low is where your heart is, but your heart has to grow

[Driftwood-Travis]

so ya know how i have been worrying alot lately about my summer living situation? well all that worry was completely unnecessary. i thought joel was gonna forget, or back out, or ask me to sublease and i was all worried and stuff. so i called him today, and when he returned my call, he was the one to bring it up actually. he asked me when i was comin back, and said i could show up whenever. he said hed have a key made for me and if he was busy that day, he would meet me so i could go ahead and move in. he said since tim has moved out, i could take tims room since it was bigger. he also said that he was going this week to see if the apartment complex would move a bed back into one of the rooms so that i could have a real bed to sleep in.

this all makes me quite delighted. one, because i am not homeless as i had been worried about.

two, because he did not let me down (this time at least). i realize none of this is a declaration of undying love. i get it, i know. howeverrrrrr, this does mean that he remembered something that was important to me (like not being homeless). he went so far as to think about things, like me being in the bigger room and trying to get me a bed, that would make me more comfortable. thats nice. thats what friends do. he thought about someone other than himself for a change, so i must be slightly important. also, i feel like this works towards proving that he is not quite as bad as everyone thinks he is. and it pleases me.

Please excuse me while i whine

i am about to complain. alot.

I think i hate being home. i hate wasting 30 hours of my week working in a place i absolutely despise. i hate every single second i am at work. sometimes i think the money isnt really worth it. i hate the fact that i dont have my other job to look forward to. im tired of being here, with nothing to do. im tired of wasting what little bit of freedom i do have doing nothing. secretly, im tired of most of my friends here, so i dont even have hanging out with them to look forward to. im tired of my parents treating me like a child and telling me what to do. i hate being relentlessly pursued by a boy that i have absolutely no interest in.
i hate the uncertainty that i feel at the moment about my living situation once i get back to WL. i feel like things should be all settled, but ive learned not to completely trust him ever so i worry. his comments dont seem to have any indication that he recalls that i am living with him, and i have heard that his roommate is after me to sublease. i just want to know if i do have a place to stay or if i have to make other arrangements.
i hate the monotony that has overtaken my life. i just want to feel excited about something.

It's a state of affairs and a state of emotions, the kind of thing that you must understand

[But Anyways-Blues Travelers]

so i was at work tonight, just going about my cashier-like business, when i look up at the next customer to give my customary and uncaring "hi, how are you, do you have your marsh card?" and who is my next customer? a boy a know from purdue. he is one of the guys up at the house by the name of Doorstop. Apparently, home for him is LaFontaine. He recognized me, and i was pleased. Because to be completely honest, i think that Doorstop is twelve kinds of adorable. im not sure why. he is kinda nerdy, and a bit silly, but i think he is all sorts of cute. and im a bit annoyed, because my first thought is... "why cant it be doorstop instead of ryan????? that would just make everything easier" because i wouldnt even think twice. i would basically just say yes times a thousand. which brings me back to the fact that the problem is just the idea of dating ryan. anywaysssss, i talked to Doorstop for a little bit, and then he left, and secretly i hope that he comes back.

That's right bitches. I'm blogging from my new iPod touch.

Delish New Music.

i have found some delicious new music. I wish to share.

>Ray Lamontagne. He is suppppperrrr chill. kinda old school bluesy almost. but i like it. especially "Trouble"

>Carbon Leaf. "Grey Sky Eyes" and "Life Less Ordinary" are my favssss

>Wakey!Wakey! Indie and delightful. I like "Dance so Good" for something more chill and also "Twenty-Two"

Dream.

I had a weird dream.

I dreamt that i moved back to WL for the summer. I am in fact doing that soon, and I am moving in with Joel (hopefully, if he follows through). In my dream, i showed up at his apartment to move in with him. He was not there. I discovered that my mother had had him arrested for, what else, being a drug dealer. I called her and confronted her. It was a plan to protect me and to get me to come back home. I screamed at her. I told her that i was now homeless because of her, and furthermore, i loved him and this was hurting me. I refused to come back home because of what she had done. I was immensely sad. I started walking around the slums of WL, which we dont really have any but i was walking around them nonetheless, trying to find a place to live. I was just asking strangers if i could live with them. I asked to men standing in the yard outside their house. they said no and walked inside. I saw a rather tired looking woman with 4 kids walking down the street. i bargained with her, told her id take care of her kids if i could live with her. she agreed. we walked back to her house. she put me in charge of two of her kids. a set of twins, a boy and a girl. she took her other kids and left. i was in charge of putting the kids to bed. they were not very good kids, but i managed. and then... their eyes started to glow. the kids were partly possessed. not like all the time, just sometimes. and their eyes would start to glow to mark their moments of possession. during these times, they were exponentially worse, going so far as to try to kill me. for some reason, i was not frightened by this, i found it funny. and when the children were hungry, i fed them raw chicken. apparently this is what demons eat.

and then i woke up.

Goodbye, She!!

i was not scheduled to work tonight. the closer was sick tonight. i covered for him. on my way to work, my lovely car informed me that my traction system and anti-lock brake system decided to shit out. yay. work wasnt too bad. except i was alone alot. the other cashier left at 8. Tennessee was with me til 9. a cute boy came through my line. he was probably the nicest person i talked to all day. some other guy came in later. when i held out my hand for the money, he slapped it into my hand in a very high five-esque fashion. he told me to have a good night, and i said "ok i will." he responded with something very profound: "I like your attitude!!! that'll get you places in life! he paused, and then "im not quite sure where itll get you, but im sure youll get somewhere." and then he walked off, leaving me a little confused as to what the hell was up with him. it wasnt a horrible night at work.

lassjf;askjglkjasjhafsjghasigadfkjl

i fucking hate my job.

i fucking hate people.

i literally thought of just walking out of the store. just straight up leaving the giant line of people standing there and just walking out, getting into my car, and never returning to that horrible place.

i hate it there.

Just some MLIA to brighten your day

"Today, I read a warning on my blanket that said "not to be used as protection from a tornado." Well there goes plan A. MLIA"

The stars lean down to kiss you, and I lie awake and miss you.

[Vanilla Twilight-Owl City]

I went to Meijers tonight.



I stopped to look at the fish in the aquarium.



Because it reminded me of him.



Who is a big ginormous fag?? Oh thats right, I am :/

A PSA for all you late night shoppers.

Dear Valued Customers,

I realize that you believe that your grocery list is of the utmost importance in the whole scheme of things. I mean, how could the world possibly keep spinning if you did not rush in and finish your grocery shopping at midnight... God forbid you should have to wait til the next day! But let me let you in on a little secret: I do not care about your late night cravings. I do not care if you ran out of milk, or if you need one last ingredient for your recipe, or if your grandkids want you to buy them snacks. I dont care. The grocery store is open between the hours of 6am and 12 midnight. That does not mean that you can shop indefinately, until every last item is checked off your list. That means you have until 12 oclock at night to finish your business and get the hell out.

Furthermore, I make friendly announcements reminding you that the store is closing. I go so far as to give you 15, 10, and 5 minute warnings. Believe you me, I dont make these announcements just because I like to play on the loudspeaker. No, these announcements are gentle hints that you need to grab your groceries and scram. PLEASE DO NOT IGNORE THEM. Pick up your last fucking items and get your ass out of the store. I dont want to be there a minute longer than I have to be.

Sincerely,
Your friendly closing cashier.

what a beautiful song :]

Driftwood by Travis

Everything is open
Nothing is set in stone
Rivers turn to ocean
Oceans tide you home
Home is where your heart is
But your heart had to roam
Drifting over bridges
Never to return
Watching bridges burn

{chorus}
You’re driftwood floating underwater
Breaking into pieces pieces pieces
Just driftwood hollow and of no use
Waterfalls will find you bind you grind you

Nobody is an island
Everyone has to go
Pillars turn to butter
Butterflying low
Low is where your heart is
But your heart has to grow
Drifting under bridges
Never with the flow

And you really didn’t think it would happen
But it really is the end of the line
So I’m sorry that you turned to driftwood
But you’ve been drifting for a long long time

Everywhere there’s trouble
Nowhere’s safe to go
Pushes turn to shovel’s
Shovelling the snow
Frozen you have chosen
The path you wish to go
Drifting now forever
And forever more
Until you reach your shore

(chorus)
You’re driftwood floating underwater
Breaking into pieces pieces pieces
Just driftwood hollow and of no use
Waterfalls will find you bind you grind you

And you really didn’t think it would happen
But it really is the end of the line
So I’m sorry that you turned to driftwood
But you’ve been drifting for a long long time
You’ve been drifting for a long long time
You’ve been drifting for a long long
Drifting for a long long time

Human eyes are so

obsessed with clarity. What

if truth is a blur?

What Google doesnt know.

"I bet whales are fuzzy. like Shamoo. I bet Shamoo is fuzzy"

"Um no i dont think so."

"How would you know? have you ever petted a Shamoo?"

"Well no."

"Then you dont know.

"Really though, i imagine it would be like petting a dolphin. they are smooth, not fuzzy."

"No, i think they are fuzzy. A whale trainer would know."

"Why dont you just Google it? Google will tell you they are not fuzzy."

"When was the last time Google ever petted a Shamoo?! Never! So Google doesnt know!"

It's gonna be great, I can tell but anyway. I see a new, a new day a dawning

[But Anyway-Blues Travelers]

i am home. school is over and i have a few weeks off before i start summer classes. it i late-ish and i am tired and i am feeling reflective.

sophomore year was a good year. perhaps not academically. i went into the first semester of this year with a 3.71 overall GPA. i ended that semester with a 3.15 overall and a 2.12 for that semester. i am anxiously awaiting my grades for this semester.

but i had so much more fun this semester. i made alotta new friends and grew closer to some pre-existing ones. i went out more and did more. overall, id say this year epitomized what college should be like, what i imagined it would be like.

it was a year of new experiences. i experienced epic failure in my classes. i experienced almost unbearable stress. i made choices i maybe wasnt always proud of. i made choices that were probably rather stupid. but they were my choices and it was all part of growing up. i drank more and partied more than last year. i smoked. i nearly had an intervention planned for me. i learned who my real friends were and who was only around to judge and babysit me. i chased a boy or two, and even had one chase after me. i watched my best friend get married. i went drunk sledding. i lost my roomie and gained a new one. i got promoted at work. i told my father exactly how i felt about him. i went on a pretty fun spring break trip to alabama. but i also worked hard. i spent entire nights studying and working on projects. i had a good year.

and im super excited for the next two years :)

I dont know why, but i thought this was too funny. i am lame.

ChE 205 can suck it.

well exams are over. i am done with my sophomore year of college. crazyyyyy. i feel olddddd. and time is going by so fast. im gonna be out in the real world before i even know it. this year was a good year... maybe not gradewise lol, but it was alotta fun. first semester was a bitch. thank you Orgo, ChE 205, and Physics for shooting my GPA all to hell and getting my plan of study all off track. this semester went much better... i think. i know my math grade will be bad, and im praying for a C in 205. but my two spanish grades, soc grade, and my management grade should be pretty swiss.



speaking of 205, i had my final exam for that class tonight. it was terrible. it literally made a girl cry. she sat there and sniffled the entire exam. it pissed me off. i might very well have to change my major after that. i studied for like 2 weeks and did it help at all? noooo. and i didnt think anything else we have done in the class was representative of that final. oh well, its over and there is nothing i can do about it now. im just relieved its over.

I am feeling so incredibly suffocated. and i hate it.

oh piss. what a mess.

i have some ridiculous good creeper skills. and i am putting them to use.

A part of life that you'd soon forgot, and maybe thing about who you hurt in the process

[Trade Yourself In-Shinedown]

im having lunch with ryan today... maybe. i have to meet my MGMT group to go over our final project. i might have to bail on him. which makes me feel really bad. i agreed to have lunch with him today because he wanted me to go to this concert show thing saturday night with him and i said i might go, but then i bailed because joel took me out instead. this makes me a bad person i think. and a stupid person i think. i ditched a nice boy to be with one who doesnt really care all that much about me. its quite silly really. i dont like ryan like that. i just dont. and here is the biggest load of bullshit: all of the reason i have identified for not liking ryan i also see in joel but they dont bother me. for instance: ryan does a great many drugs. for some reason, that feels like a red flag. not because they change who he is, and not because he seems like a worthless addict or anything like that. it is.. just a concern i suppose. joel has basically done every drug known to mankind, minus the super hard ones, and it doesnt really phase me. ryan has a tendency to get blackout drunk. again, i have seen him when he is fairly drunk. he is a nice drunk, he is always nice to me. but still, i think its a bit concerning that he gets so wasted so often. joel goes out and gets drunk as fuck too. the other day he says "im gonna go out tonight and get SUPER drunk. Ill probably pass out lol" my response? "ok, have a good time! call me if you need a ride home." sometimes i feel that ryan has no motivation or drive in life other than to have a good time. that is a problem. joel is possibly the laziest person i have ever met, and he spends whole days doing nothing but smoking weed and playing video games. is that a problem? nope, i actually join him some days. all that this says is that i am basically a big giant stupid hypocrit. end of story.

Birfday.

i surprised my beef on her birthday :]

she thought i was ditching her for a boy.

how dare she have so little faith in me.

Dear Beef,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Love,
Kayla

I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.

[Time to Pretend-MGMT]

what a good holiday ;]

Oh boy

so. there is this boy. his name is ryan. he is bretts (errrcas boyfriend) frat brother. we have met before, but we hung out at a frat party i went to a few weeks ago. the monday after the party, he stopped by work and asked me out to hang out sometime. i didnt think much of it. i gave him my number and figured he was just being nice. he texted me later that night. we had lunch the next day. he invited me to go somewhere with him over the weekend, but i couldnt go. he invited me to go to a concert with him next weekend. i dunno if ill go. he texted me all tuesday and wednesday. on wednesday after work he took me with him and some of his other frat brothers to a local band music show thing. thursday night he invited me over to the frat to play beer die with him. something happened thursday night that freaked me out, though it wasnt really his fault, and i ended up leaving rather abruptly in the middle of hanging out. he tried texting me and i ignored him. the next night i was hanging out with errrca and she told me he was very legitly concerned about me after i left. i felt bad, but i couldnt help it. i was scared. not that he scared me, more like i was scared by a situation he was associated with, and therefore by him. it doesnt really make sense i guess, but thats just how i felt. he texted me the next day, asking if i was ok and apologizing, and i finally talked to him. we are ok again. he went out of town for the weekend and i found myself kinda... wishing he wasnt. not because i missed him exactly, but because i know that if he is around, i dont have to be alone cuz he always wants to hang out with me. he texted me again today and asked me to hang out with him this week, when he found out his work schedule. he texted me later and asked me to hang out with him this week because the frat is doing alot of stuff for grand prix week. bad movie night tuesday, bowling wednesday, cookout and beer die thursday. i said i would hang out with him. i was hanging out with errrca tonight and she said that she picked up vibes of legit interest towards me, and she said that ryan had mentioned something to brett about being interested in me. i do not know for sure, as ryan has not come out and said this in so many words to me. all i can do is hope this is not true.



and this is the point where most people, myself included, read the previous statement and say, "kayla, wtf??? a boy is interested in you and you hope its not true?" yes, i guess thats what im saying. its complicated i suppose. for one... its ryan. ryan. come on now. i think he is fun to hang out with.. but would you really date a guy like him? i dunno. i mean he is really nice to me, very laid back, almost too laid back really. he is fun, and he does fun things. he is rather quirky, and he definately does his own thing without caring what other people think. i think he is fun to hang out with, but none of that means i want to date him.



he has something else working against him. something that i know is hugely unfair, and is really not his fault. i want him to be joel. and he is not, nor will he ever be. they are two opposite people, for the most part. i know its not fair really, but i keep thinking "why does it have to be ryan? why cant it be joel?" its problematic really, because i am so very hung up on joel. i could miss out on alotta other great people all because of this stupid boy. but whats a girl to do?



anyways, i could be blowing this way outta proportion. ryan could very well just think i am pretty badass to hang out with, because i am. maybe he just wants to be my friend. i really dunno at this point.

So long, this is goodbye. May we meet again in another life. Like strangers, passing by, may we see clearly in a different life.

[So Long Goodbye-10 Years]

i had a sad realization today. bridge and i used to be super close. in fact, i counted her as one of my very best friends. and today i tried to think of the last time we hung out, or went to dinner or shopping, or even to buy groceries. i cant remeber the last time we even just sat down and talked for an extended period of time. not just us, as friends. not anymore. we have had lunch and dinner, and gone to the store, yes. but zack is always there. and i am always the awkward third wheel. so i eventually stopped going. now we dont hang out anymore. we are definately going our separate ways. we rarely go out together on the weekends anymore. i go to my party and she goes with zack to their party. she has started staying over at his place more. and i dont really see her.

i think thats part of the reason i hate zack so much. i feel like he is taking my friend away. and secretly, i feel like she is letting herself be taken away, with absolutely no remorse for leaving her friends behind. i know she likes him and wants to spend time with him. i get it, and i dont want to seem like some jealous bitch. but maybe i am jealous that she just replaced me, the person she said was her very best friend, so quickly with some boy. it hurts. errrca, for example, has brett. and she really likes brett, and she loves to spend time with him. but she manages to see him and still spend time with her friends. and i think thats all im asking for. maybe just every once and awhile, bridge could say that me and her would hang out, without zack around. and that would delight me.

i miss my roomski.

And I'll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I wont forget you

[Vanilla Twilight-Owl City]

"see, thats why i keep you around."

"...why, so i can do your grocery shopping?"

"no, because you are basically my better half."

:/

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?

[Creep-Radiohead]

i was getting creeped upon hardcore by this guy at the green fuzz party. i did not like it :(



at first, he was just standing next to me in the basement. and he said hi. i thought nothing of it. then, i found him standing next to me while standing in the hall way, while i was outside the basement door, in line for the bnathroom, and sitting on the couch in the living room. he kept showing up. finally while i was waiting in line for the bathroom, he introduced himself. he kissed my hand. i was flattered, but absolutely and totally uninterested. he asked me for a dance later. i gave something equivalent to a "meh" and left, trying not to be rude, but trying to show i was not interested.



he showed up later while a was in the basement. he wanted to dance with me. i didnt want to. he kept grabbing me. i didnt like it. my friends did not help me, they laughed at me. so i ran to the bathroom. he followed me. he started talking to me. i ran back to the basement.



he caught me again on a trip back from the bathroom (dont judge me, i broke the seal and had to pee all the damn time.) he had been sitting on the couch in the hallway that i would inevitably have to pass to get between the basement and the bathroom. he tried to talked to me. i was trying to get away. he said "so im single. how about you?" i stammered "uh.. uh.. i really have to get back to my friends now!" and ran off. he said "ill be here waiting for you!!" he was weirding me out.



i went back into the basement. i was fine for a while. errrca texted me and said "there is some guy out here asking everyone about you." i responded "help me!"then he walked into the basement, looking around. i moved across the room near the bar, putting the huge crowd of people between us. he saw me, and literally started circling. i ran up to Doorstop, one of the nice (and cute) frat brothers i had been talking to earlier, and drunkenly and babblingly explained my situation. i asked him to looking like we were having a legit conversation so hopefully the guy wouldnt come up to me, and to watch the guy and tell me when the guy wasnt looking so i could sneak away. doorstop helped me out. i ran out of the basement and found errrca. the guy followed out right behind me.



please let me explain. i know now there are many things i could have said that would have made this situation much better. i could have blatantly said "listen, im not interested." i could have responded to his question with "no im not single, and i love my boyfriend very much." even a "im actually here with my girlfriend," would have probably worked. i was fairly drunk, however, and thinking logically was difficult. i was legit getting freaked out by this guys persistence.



i hurdled the couch into the living room and ran to brett (errrcas bf) and geodude (another frat brother). errrca explained what was going on, and like everyone else, they laughed. i hid there for a while, and when she said the coast was clear, i went back to my drinking and such.



while i was in the basement again, i turned around to find him advancing on me from across the room. i turned and ran. the floor was sticky with alcohol and my foot got stuck. i broke my shoes running away from him. i got away and ran to the hallway. he was right behind me. i slid under the table that brett was working door from and hid under his legs until the guy couldnt find me and went in search elsewhere.



at this point, i think brett and geodude and doorstop and a few of the other guys had noticed just how very freaked out i was that this guy was bothering me. the guys went and had a talk with him and told him i was very very not interested and he needed to cool it. for the rest of the night, he was always around, watching, giving me looks, but he never said anything else to me.

Screw Math

i had my math exam today. it did not go nearly as well as i had hoped. i studied for this bitch for the last three days, which is more than i have studied for just about anything this semester. and did studying pay off? no. i thought the exam would be mostly Diff Eq since two of the three chapters on the exam were Diff Eq. we spent the majority of our time on Diff Eq. so logically, that should be the majority of the exam, right? wrong. only 3 of 10 questions were Diff Eq. so while all of that studying helped me rock those 3 questions, it did not help me in the slightest on the other 7. that math exam put me in a rather foul mood for the day. luckily, joel helped make my day slightly more tolerable. ;)

I am pleased.

i am pleased.



why am i pleased? i will tell you. keep in mind, this may not seem like a very big deal. but to me it is.



for the first time ever, or at least in a very long time, he showed what appeared to be legitimate concern about someone other than himself. he wants me to do well on my math exam tomorrow. i took him some food after i got off work, and when i walked in he asked me how work was. then he said "are you gonna go home and study for math?" and i said, "....meh probably not." and he said "but you havent studied at all!" which is not true. so i respond "i studied last night and this afternoon!" he turns to errrca, who was with me, and says "please make sure she studies." errrca says she will try. as i am leaving, he looks at me with a rather serious face and says in an entirely adorable way, "please go home and study. and call me tomorrow if you need any help before your exam."



after we left, errrca asked if he was normally so concerned with my study habits. he is not, but i have been stressing about this exam and this class. errrca even remarked that he looked mighty cute as he was imploring me to study. i noticed :).



like i said, this really doesnt seem like a big deal. and perhaps im just reading way more into it than i should. but honestly, i find myself wondering sometimes if he really only keeps me around because i am convenient and do alotta ridiculous shit for him. he is the type of person who rarely shows concern for anyone other than himself, and he thinks mostly about what will benifit him most. its just how he is. but maybe, just maybe, i register vaguely on the list of things he cares about. and that pleases me.

Sin las mapas, ellos siguen las estrellas.

spanish was badass today. joel may or may not have assisted in making it so ;]

today, mi profesora was talking about some spanish culture in relation to this play that we are about to start reading. she was telling us about this town in northern spain, and through this town runs a path. and people walk this path in a sort of religious journey. and she explained that these people just walk, without maps or anything, and just follow the stars to make it to their destination. i thought that was so profound. it boggled my mind lol.

oh, and one time i may have randomly burst into a fit of laughter. oops.

Creepin

i (with the assistance of jakob) creeped on dani hardcore :]

And thats karma, bitch.

Butler lost against Duke tonight. i think its only fitting that hayward missed the last shot in the last few seconds that would have won the game. why is it fitting, dare you ask?

i will tell you.

i remember it clearly. state game. 2008. senior year. we had not been dominating the game as we should have been. we were missing Pee Wee; he had been suspended due to drug charges and Ja'rob was having to try to fill his place. Some of our key players were in serious foul trouble. Scotty Wood had been iffy all night.. it is the last few seconds, and we are down 2 points. the clock is running down, and the ball is passed to scotty. we are all seriously worried; scotty had made very few of the threes he had attempted. he shoots. the ball sails through the air. he sinks a three. the buzzer sounds. the marion crowd roars. we win by one point. the refs huddle. there is much deliberation. they put 2.1 seconds back on the clock. we are furious, but really, 2.1 seconds is not enough time to do anything, right? wrong. brownsburg inbounds it. jay edwards jumps up, arm outstreched, trying to grab it. he misses, the ball grazing his fingertips right into the arms of a brownsburg player. time is moving so slowly at this point. the brownsburg player shoots. the ball hits the rim. balances there. the buzzer sounds, signaling the end of the game. time stands still as every person in conseco fieldhouse watches silently as the ball balances on the rim... then woosh.. the ball drops in. brownsburg wins by one point. and who is the brownsburg player who made the final shot, the hero who won their game? gordon hayward.

tonight, in the last 3.6 seconds, butler is down 3 points. they have time for one last shot. from about half court, the player shoots. the ball sails through the air, hits the backboard, hits the rim... MISS. the player who missed the final shot that would have won the game? Gordon Hayward. I guess his luck ran out.

ps: FUCK BROWNSBURG (i am still bitter about that game and probably always will be)

i was not as productive as i had hoped to be tonight. boo.

thank you, stumbleupon

I need you to know today I'll wait for you always, cause when I find you, I'll find me

[When You Find Me-Joshua Radin]

I had the best day ever on friday <3

Hmm.. Its good to see you have dreams, I guess.

"My goal is to graduate and buy a Ferrari and blow coke off the dashboard"

*disclaimer: this is not my goal. i did not say this.

Beeboop.

soo i guess i cant really be mad at him this time. he didnt bail on me intentionally. he drowned his phone in some alcohol on friday and wont get a replacement for a week or two. that doesnt mean i take back what i said, because i feel that all that still holds true, it just might not pertain to this time exactly.

Thats useful i suppose.

-"damn, your hands are really cold."

-"well warm them up for me.... oh! when i was in boy scouts, they told us if our hands got extremely cold, to stick them down our pants cuz thats the warmest place on our body."

-"....um im going to advise against that right now."

And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could. I can't get my mind off of you

[The Fear You Won't Fall-Joshua Radin]

he said "we are alot alike, you and me."

this is not true.

yes, we are alike in some ways. we are two impossibly lazy people. we despise running and nerdy kids who play HvZ on campus, we refuse to eat vegetables, and we openly laugh at and make fun of people. superficially, yes, we are similar in some ways.

but i am not like you. i am kind. i am dependable. i actually care. when i say i will do something, or be somewhere, i do it. i dont make empty promises, and i dont get your hopes up just to crush them. i take care of you. i do so much for you.

he bailed on me again. i know i should not count on him. i know i should not get my hopes up. but i thought that this time would be different because it wasnt just me this time. but it didnt matter. he only does what he wants to do, it doesnt matter.

you told me that i am one of the only people who actually cares. you admitted i am the only one who makes sure you are ok. you told me you are so glad you met me. you said we were friends. sometimes, it doesnt seem like it.

i keep wishing he will change. maybe, if i do more for him, maybe if i give him everything you ask for, he will be different. people never change. he will not change.

and the thing is, i know this. i know he will not change. i know i cant make him change. i know he will not change for me. and for now, i know i will stay. i know i will keep making excuses for him. i will keep defending him. i will keep doing everything for him. because i am stupid.

Steve.

went to the indy zoo with errrca and brett today. it was a pretty good time. i like hanging out with them. even though they are dating, they are not super couply. they dont constantly hang all over each other like brack and jabecca do. we got to pet some sharks, and we named a penguin steve, and made brett pet a lizard, and decided we were gonna steal animals, and made fun of people, and hated all the little children that were there. it was fun.

i wish he meant the things he said :(

Plans

im excited. i have things to look forward to. hanging out with joel tomorrow. gettin drnkafuck with errbody on friday. zoo on saturday with errrca. hoorah :)

I just want something real. I've found the words if I could just stop thinking

[Spinning-Jack's Mannequin]

i feel like i do alot for him. like really.

he hurt his foot fairly badly over spring break. he decided to stop smoking. he got so angry that he kicked the shit out of a chair. he ended up fucking up all the ligaments in his foot. he cant walk. he is gonna have to be on crutches for a while, and possibly even go to therapy. he cant really walk. this morning, it took him 25 minutes to make a 12 minute walk. he was gonna be late to class at the rate he was walking. so he called me to drive him. at 8:11 in the morning. when my alarm doesnt go off until 11:30. so i got up and drove him. the whole time, i yelled at him for being stupid.

he was supposed to meet this bitch today before soc so she could return something of his that she had. he didnt wanna walk all the way to soc. i went to meet her for him instead.

i texted him after class to see if he needed anything, because even though he is a dumbass and did this to himself, i almost feel bad for him. of course, he needed something. he wanted me to bring him dinner. he texted me a little bit after that. he wanted me to bring his friend some food too. am i a delivery boy now? but of course, i brought it.

as i was leaving his place, i said "do you need anything else?" he said "you could go get me some cigarettes." i got angry. i yelled. "THE APPROPRIATE FUCKING RESPONSE TO THAT WAS 'NO, KAYLA, YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR ME TODAY AND I APPRECIATE IT! AND NO I DONT NEED ANYTHING ELSE!'" he just stared at me for a second. then he said "i mean.. you have done everything for me today. thank you, i dont need anything else." after i felt sufficiently appreciated, i said "ok, now i will get you cigarettes." he said "do you wanna go to the bank and get money for me." i got angry again. i said "where the fuck is the bank?" he says "walmart." and i yell. "NO I DONT WANNA DRIVE ALL THE FUCKING WAY TO FUCKING WALMART." so he says, "its ok, you dont have to go." and i say, "ill get you cigarettes." and he says, "No. You dont need to worry about it," in a very matter-of-fact voice. and i say in an equally stern voice, "its fine. im getting you cigarettes." and then walk out of his room. then he gets mad. and he yells, "KAYLA. I COME BACK HERE! I SAID YOU DONT NEED TO." and i come back and yell, "IM GOING!" and he yells, "NO!" and we are literally just standing there yelling at each other back and forth. and finally i yell, "ILL BE BACK!" and huff out. i bought them and returned. he was sitting on the porch, looking a bit like a scolded puppy. when i walked up he said "im glad you're back." i handed him the cigarettes. he said "thank you. you are awesome." my anger melted away a little. i might even have smiled at him. maybe. as a test, i said, "do you need anything else?" he laughed and said "no im good. thanks." he passed. he asked me to hang out with him on thursday. he is good at winning me over. as i walked away i sighed loudly. "call me in the morning if you cant gimp to class in a timely fashion." he laughed. i said "call me if you need me. but seriously, try not to need me."

I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun, choking on salt water.

[Swim-Jack's Mannequin]

i am in an angry mood.

i shall now complain.

i felt sick to my stomach all day.

i am getting a sinus infection.

my arm is just one big dull ache from my elbow to my wrist.

i cant finish my math hw.

i should have written soc papers but did over break. i wont now cuz i am tired as hell.

i came home from work to find zack still in my apartment. this makes me indescribably unhappy.

i did not do as well as i should have on my 205 exam.

bah. can i have another week of spring break pleaseeee?

I will shank a bitch.

day 2 of continuous zack time. i dont know how much longer i can take. i have started to be a complete and utter bitch to him. they still dont get it. i have made many comments about his being there all the time. they dont get it. i have seriously sat down and talked to my roommate about it twice now. they still dont get it. the boy drives me fucking bonkers. i cant stand being around him all the time. i overlooked it the last two days cuz they didnt see each other over the last week. and i love my roomie to pieces and she is happy when he is around. but he is not staying over again tomorrow. my sanity will not allow it. she can go spend the night in his room. but he is not staying here. my next plan is to ask joel to come over all the time, because she cannot stand him at all, and she will finally get to see what it is like.

hmmm.

so ya know how i hurt my arm over spring break? it has now bruised all the way up to my wrist. is this a problem?

P.S.

if i end up in jail very soon, it will probably be for murdering bridges new boyfriend. i have been with him for the last 12 hours. he apparently is staying the night. i want him to GO THE FUCK AWAY.

that is all.

I want Starbucks.

i find that people are very unreliable. its a bit depressing when you get right down to it.

poo was supposed to come visit this weekend. she apparently took the weekend off work. she told us all the way up til last friday that she was coming today. when we asked what time she was coming here, she never answered. she never showed up.

one of my friends texted me yesterday. she wanted to know when we could hang out before class started up again. i said we were all hanging out tonight. she texted again today to see if we were hanging out. i told her the plans and she said she and my other friend that she is dating would be there for sure. they cancelled because they made other plans. she went on to say how she really really wanted to hang out before class started, but they were just booked solid this weekend, sorry bout it. so why did she text me in the first place? why did she say they would be there?

i know things come up and plans must be cancelled. it happens i suppose.

The Big Dance

Opening Day of the Big Dance. Im talkin March Madness. NCAA College Basketball. Perhaps one of my favorite times of year in terms of sports. Last year i won the bracket in the pool i was playing. The year before that i almost won. almost. this year, i doubt i will win. this year, i feel, is the year of the upset. and my bracket has been sorta shot to hell already.

Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue

[Sweet Home Alabama-Lynyrd Skynyrd]

orange beach, alabama was beautiful. a very lovely place to go for spring break. i had a pretty good time. it was a a weekend of firsts.



first time ive ever been to alabama for one



first time playing drunk putt-putt



new record for finishing off a bottle of tequila (3 days)



first time skinny dippin ;)



first time shotgunning a beer



i got lost on the beach for like three hours one night. me and schnepp went for a drunken walk... and got lost. we just walked and walked and walked until we fell into a puddle, then decided to turn back. only we didnt know which building was ours. the seashells on the beach were cutting my feet, and as we were walking i randomly found a pair of flip flops that were my exact size... so i stole them. we finally found our way back. nobody was worried about us apparently.. they were all passed out. great friends they are.



speaking of that boy, jakob was trying to hook me up with him. it didnt happen. he was very hung up on this girl back home. a girl that has a serious boyfriend. stupid on his part. oh well. besides, i realized something. he was too nice. which sounds strange, but he was just... too nice. there was no edge to him. that just doesnt work for me.



i janked up my arm while i was there. i was drunkenly walking on the beach. fell. hurt my elbow. its a nasty shade of purple and about twice its normal size. i cant straighten it all the way and it hurts like crazy to move it certain ways. oh well. im sure its fine.



we went to this really spiffy place for dinner one night. it was called Lamberts. they had tasty southern food. and they threw delicious hot rolls at you. yes, threw them. you had to catch your food. interesting. and tasty. the waiter was creepin on me however. he kept putting his arm around me and stuff. dislike.



i decided that i am gonna move down there. i love the food. and i am gonna find an adorable alabama boy to just speak in his lovely accent to me at all times. sounds like a plan.

She don't know she's beautiful, though time and time I've told her so

[She Don't Know She's Beautiful-Sammy Kershaw]

i had a really good day today. ya know why? because some guy i barely know gave me a really nice compliment and it was enough to make me smile the rest of the day :)

"you look beautiful today"

Im not sure if thats a compliment or not....

here is a conversation me and errrca had with two drunk girls at hotbox after work.

girl 1: (to me) "hey, i like your shirt!"
me: "thanks...."
girl 1: "yeah! i like your black shirt! you have broad shoulders!"
me: "....thanks??"
girl 1: "just dont wear shoulder pads. if you see shoulder pads, just rip em out!"
girl 2: "yeah, this aint the 80s."

and literally, with no transition

girl 1: "so one time my mom tried to teach me to drive a manual, and i messed up and stalled the car twice."
me: (confused) "uhhh.. yeah?"
girl 1: "yep."

pause for a while

girl 1: (to me again) "hey! im really drunk. i never drink. i cant feel my toes."
me: "yeah, that happens."
girl 1: "how long until im sober?"
errrca: "how much did you have to drink?"
girl 1: (names off some stuff) "oh, and i had a vodka and cranberry. a big Where Else mug. and me and my friend decided to race drinking it. i won! i guess im just better at sucking it down than her. haha im better at sucking."
girl 2: "yeah well maybe thats why you have a 15 month old kid and i dont."

at this point, me and errrca decided to sneak out past them.

Your love's like one last cigarette. Last cigarette, I will savor it

[Last Cigarette-Bon Jovi]

when you buy a new pack of cigarettes, you turn two upside down. "one for good luck, and one for a good fuck."

Untitled

sometimes i fear that i am incredibly stupid :(

lets go purdue basketball.

last night was the IU-Purdue basketball game. we pretty much made them our bitch the entire time. final score 74-55, and thats only cuz we pulled all of our starters in the last 4 minutes. but then again, so did IU. well, their starters fouled out. it was also senior night. we had three graduating seniors. two were important, one really never played so we didnt care about him too much. it was sad, seeing chris kramer and keaton grant go. mostly cuz kramer is fine as hell and is my future husband, he just doesnt know it yet lol. but in all seriousness, it was sad to see them play their last minutes on keady court. you spend two years watching these people play every week, seeing them in the paper, on tv, and its like they represent something important. or maybe not. i dunno.

Ballin'!

IU-Purdue game tomorrowwwww. i am immensely excited. hopefully *fingers crossed* we should whoop their ass, but you never know. especially with our star player out for the rest of the season. there goes any hope of a final four appearance. why robbie hummel, whyyyy? for goodness sake i would have torn my ACL if he could have kept his! i dont really need mine anyways!

You would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb

[Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd]

i had a conflicting weekend. i had fun all weekend. everything was great, and i had a good time doing everything i did. i didnt do a single bit of hw, studying, cleaning or sleeping. my lungs hurt like a bitch after the last few days. looking back, i feel like i should not have had a good time. its hard to explain. somtimes i feel bad about the things i do, cuz i feel like i should be trying to stop because this isnt really me. and sometimes i feel bad because i dont feel bad. like... sometimes i am totally ok with what i do, and i feel like i shouldnt be. nobody else is. i dunno. hmmf.