Am heavy, forever. In the sun, forever. Chewing gum, forever. In the field.

[Forever Heavy-Black Moth Super Rainbow]

i feel like there is so much color in my new blog. im not sure how i feel about it.

also, i dont know what this title has to do with anything in this post.

that is all.

Yikes!

math exam tomorrow morning. Eeeek!

:/

Sometimes, im pretty sure im barking up the wrong tree.

girly silliness and such.

so i might have a crush on a boy. and his name might be jarred. and i might have spent to whole night talking to him. and i might be acting like a stupid girl lol.

Listening enjoyment for yor ears.

So ive been into this wonderful alternative-pop-indie-esque music lately. i feel like sharing.

~That Was Something. Personally, i like the song "Till the Wheels Fall Off"

~Brighten. I really like them. I think "Where We Belong" is a perfectly lovely song.

~Valencia. Not my favorite, but decent nonetheless. "The Space Between" is pretty good.

~The Cab. Im digging the song "High Hopes in Velvet Ropes"

Go listen. Now.

I know we'll somehow make it by. It's been so hard to see, blinded by misery

[Halos-Under the Flood]

i packed some of my stuff up to move back to WL. and this made me strangely sad. ever since i got home, all i wanted was to go back. now that im going back, im not 100% sure its what i want. it makes me sad to leave behind my parents, and my friends. my mom is really sad, and it makes me sad to make her sad. i realized today that i wont make it home for fathers day like i promised because katie has already scheduled me to work. i dunno if ill make it home for moms birthday either. it just seems like i am missing important things and i feel selfish. dani said "its not like you are leaving just to leave." but actually i am. i just used summer class as an excuse to leave. i probably could have taken math next semester. but i didnt want to stay in marion all summer. so i might have exaggerated the importance of taking the class over the summer.

meghan told me today that she would rather me just stay home in marion and be bored than move in with joel. and i wonder if i made a mistake. i worry. im gonna be living with him all summer. i'll be honest. that is a whole lotta me to deal with. and then we go right into the next semester. we scheduled every single class of every single day together. now i realize that we will do our own thing over the summer, and wont see each other too much with class and work and stuff. but still. i worry that he will get ridiculously tired of me, because im fairly certain even i would get tired of me.

and im really worried about my classes. i cant do math, and this is about to be insanely difficult. yay. it is gonna be really difficult.

and i talked to katie today. she said i will never get scheduled for more than 30 hours, probably more like in the 20s. great. how the fuck am i supposed to save money for college? and pay for living? i have no idea. thank you villa for fucking me over. awesome.

and these are the sorts of things i worry about. alot.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear, and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer

[Drive-Incubus]

yesterday i was complaining to errrca that i was still worried about my living situation for the summer. she told me i was being stupid, that had talked to him twice and that it would be ok. i however, for some reason need constant reassurance from him and i was still worried. today, he texted me and told me he had cleaned my room for me. this made me happy for two reasons. 1) this was more of the constant reassurance i needed. 2) i just got out of cleaning. win. he also asked me for more money. originally i had agreed to pay him 200. he only asked me for 100 at the end of school so i had hoped he had forgotten about the other 100. he now wants another 150-200 for rent he says. he told me if i couldnt pay it he would have his mom send him money. that seemed like a bitch move to me, so im just gonna use the money my dad legally has to send me for my living expenses. it bums me out that i have to use the money for its intended purpose, instead of like alcohol or something, but ill get over it. errrca did point out that i could not live anywhere else so close to campus for so cheap so i suppose i shouldnt complain. i have a sneaking suspicion that he is gonna hit his mom up for money anyways, and just get paid double, but i have no evidence other than i just naturally dont trust him on such things. however, i have apparently misjudged him thus far.

A perfect understanding of the finer things in life. A quite alarming knack of knowing of when to twist the knife

[Selfish Jean-Travis]

im pretty sure this is about to be a giant clusterfuck of a blog about alotta different things.



i have exactly 4 work days left at marsh. maybe. i might have to transfer my job to WL. boo. i was so excited about dumping my shitty job as a cashier, but i was informed that i might not get nearly enough hours at villa over the summer. i was promised 35 hours a week by katie. we got a new manger and this stupid bitch is cutting everybodys hours, and giving hours to nobodys that dont deserve hours. katie suggested that i transfer my job at marsh cuz i wouldnt get my hours at villa. piss. i wanted to be rid of that place. but i gotta have money too. i only hope that working at marsh somewhere like WL will be better cuz it will be mostly college students instead of ignorant ass nasty people like we have here in the M. but i have to get my hours, so ill do what i must.



i leave to go back to WL in one week. 7 days. im excited. and i am sad. i feel like this is a reoccurring theme every single time i move, because every single time i leave, i become a little more grown up, and a little more of me leaves home. but this month home really made me realize this place really doesnt have anything left for me. yes, marion will always be "home" in the sense that this is where my family is. this is where i grew up. this was the place of many childhood memories. but marion is no longer "home" in the respect that this is not where the majority of my life is anymore. my friends, with the exception of my beef, and maybe ann a little bit, are all in WL now. my job is in WL. my stuff, my room, everything is in WL. its like the more i establish myself there, the more i lose myself here. but i am excited to move back out on my own. im tired of the silly rules here, and im clearly excited to get back to my friends and fun and such. of course ill miss my beef, and my mom, and bob, and my dog and homecooking and alotta other things, but its time to go.



i have to work tomorrow night. 4:30-10. with janet. i might end up punching her in her fat face.



speaking of people id like to punch... my father ranks pretty far up there on that list. sometimes i think he needs to shut his damn mouth. kelley, a girl i work with, said that she asked him how i was doing away at college. his response? "i dont know. she never talks to me. but if she doesnt get her shit together in college, im gonna put my foot up her ass." 1) dont whine to other people about how i dont talk to you. its because you are a big whiny baby that i despise talking to you anyways. 2) i had a bad semester. but it wasnt horrible. i didnt fail anything. my GPA never dropped below a 3.0 so it couldnt have been that bad. get over it. 3) dont think that suddenly you have a right to judge anything i do in my life. you have never been there or cared before, so dont pretend to now. 4) you have no right to talk shit about me to people i work with. so shut your damn mouth.



today was logans birthday. he is a bagger at work. he had to work the last shift and we felt bad for him, cuz it was his birthday. so me and cierra bought him a card, cupcakes, and a moutain dew and sang him happy birthday. he blushed. logan is mighty good-looking. he should date me. just sayin.



charlie the stock guy creeped on me hardcore. he was pissing me off somethign awful. he basically called me sleazy and a whore. and i wanted to punch him, because he is a creep. luckily, i only have to deal with him one more night before i leave.



anyways, i think im done. for now at least. mostly because im tired lol.

The doctor's prescribed me the pills, but I know I'm not crazy. I just lost my will. So why am I, why am I taking them still?

[Hammers and Strings-Jack's Mannequin]

you know how every once and a while, you come across something that is just so sad it breaks your heart? Today i heard something like that. it broke my heart. it was so sad and depressing. and i dont know what to do about it. i dont think there is anything i can do about it.