i have some ridiculous good creeper skills. and i am putting them to use.

A part of life that you'd soon forgot, and maybe thing about who you hurt in the process

[Trade Yourself In-Shinedown]

im having lunch with ryan today... maybe. i have to meet my MGMT group to go over our final project. i might have to bail on him. which makes me feel really bad. i agreed to have lunch with him today because he wanted me to go to this concert show thing saturday night with him and i said i might go, but then i bailed because joel took me out instead. this makes me a bad person i think. and a stupid person i think. i ditched a nice boy to be with one who doesnt really care all that much about me. its quite silly really. i dont like ryan like that. i just dont. and here is the biggest load of bullshit: all of the reason i have identified for not liking ryan i also see in joel but they dont bother me. for instance: ryan does a great many drugs. for some reason, that feels like a red flag. not because they change who he is, and not because he seems like a worthless addict or anything like that. it is.. just a concern i suppose. joel has basically done every drug known to mankind, minus the super hard ones, and it doesnt really phase me. ryan has a tendency to get blackout drunk. again, i have seen him when he is fairly drunk. he is a nice drunk, he is always nice to me. but still, i think its a bit concerning that he gets so wasted so often. joel goes out and gets drunk as fuck too. the other day he says "im gonna go out tonight and get SUPER drunk. Ill probably pass out lol" my response? "ok, have a good time! call me if you need a ride home." sometimes i feel that ryan has no motivation or drive in life other than to have a good time. that is a problem. joel is possibly the laziest person i have ever met, and he spends whole days doing nothing but smoking weed and playing video games. is that a problem? nope, i actually join him some days. all that this says is that i am basically a big giant stupid hypocrit. end of story.

Birfday.

i surprised my beef on her birthday :]

she thought i was ditching her for a boy.

how dare she have so little faith in me.

Dear Beef,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

Love,
Kayla

I'll move to Paris, shoot some heroin, and fuck with the stars.

[Time to Pretend-MGMT]

what a good holiday ;]

Oh boy

so. there is this boy. his name is ryan. he is bretts (errrcas boyfriend) frat brother. we have met before, but we hung out at a frat party i went to a few weeks ago. the monday after the party, he stopped by work and asked me out to hang out sometime. i didnt think much of it. i gave him my number and figured he was just being nice. he texted me later that night. we had lunch the next day. he invited me to go somewhere with him over the weekend, but i couldnt go. he invited me to go to a concert with him next weekend. i dunno if ill go. he texted me all tuesday and wednesday. on wednesday after work he took me with him and some of his other frat brothers to a local band music show thing. thursday night he invited me over to the frat to play beer die with him. something happened thursday night that freaked me out, though it wasnt really his fault, and i ended up leaving rather abruptly in the middle of hanging out. he tried texting me and i ignored him. the next night i was hanging out with errrca and she told me he was very legitly concerned about me after i left. i felt bad, but i couldnt help it. i was scared. not that he scared me, more like i was scared by a situation he was associated with, and therefore by him. it doesnt really make sense i guess, but thats just how i felt. he texted me the next day, asking if i was ok and apologizing, and i finally talked to him. we are ok again. he went out of town for the weekend and i found myself kinda... wishing he wasnt. not because i missed him exactly, but because i know that if he is around, i dont have to be alone cuz he always wants to hang out with me. he texted me again today and asked me to hang out with him this week, when he found out his work schedule. he texted me later and asked me to hang out with him this week because the frat is doing alot of stuff for grand prix week. bad movie night tuesday, bowling wednesday, cookout and beer die thursday. i said i would hang out with him. i was hanging out with errrca tonight and she said that she picked up vibes of legit interest towards me, and she said that ryan had mentioned something to brett about being interested in me. i do not know for sure, as ryan has not come out and said this in so many words to me. all i can do is hope this is not true.



and this is the point where most people, myself included, read the previous statement and say, "kayla, wtf??? a boy is interested in you and you hope its not true?" yes, i guess thats what im saying. its complicated i suppose. for one... its ryan. ryan. come on now. i think he is fun to hang out with.. but would you really date a guy like him? i dunno. i mean he is really nice to me, very laid back, almost too laid back really. he is fun, and he does fun things. he is rather quirky, and he definately does his own thing without caring what other people think. i think he is fun to hang out with, but none of that means i want to date him.



he has something else working against him. something that i know is hugely unfair, and is really not his fault. i want him to be joel. and he is not, nor will he ever be. they are two opposite people, for the most part. i know its not fair really, but i keep thinking "why does it have to be ryan? why cant it be joel?" its problematic really, because i am so very hung up on joel. i could miss out on alotta other great people all because of this stupid boy. but whats a girl to do?



anyways, i could be blowing this way outta proportion. ryan could very well just think i am pretty badass to hang out with, because i am. maybe he just wants to be my friend. i really dunno at this point.

So long, this is goodbye. May we meet again in another life. Like strangers, passing by, may we see clearly in a different life.

[So Long Goodbye-10 Years]

i had a sad realization today. bridge and i used to be super close. in fact, i counted her as one of my very best friends. and today i tried to think of the last time we hung out, or went to dinner or shopping, or even to buy groceries. i cant remeber the last time we even just sat down and talked for an extended period of time. not just us, as friends. not anymore. we have had lunch and dinner, and gone to the store, yes. but zack is always there. and i am always the awkward third wheel. so i eventually stopped going. now we dont hang out anymore. we are definately going our separate ways. we rarely go out together on the weekends anymore. i go to my party and she goes with zack to their party. she has started staying over at his place more. and i dont really see her.

i think thats part of the reason i hate zack so much. i feel like he is taking my friend away. and secretly, i feel like she is letting herself be taken away, with absolutely no remorse for leaving her friends behind. i know she likes him and wants to spend time with him. i get it, and i dont want to seem like some jealous bitch. but maybe i am jealous that she just replaced me, the person she said was her very best friend, so quickly with some boy. it hurts. errrca, for example, has brett. and she really likes brett, and she loves to spend time with him. but she manages to see him and still spend time with her friends. and i think thats all im asking for. maybe just every once and awhile, bridge could say that me and her would hang out, without zack around. and that would delight me.

i miss my roomski.

And I'll forget the world that I knew, but I swear I wont forget you

[Vanilla Twilight-Owl City]

"see, thats why i keep you around."

"...why, so i can do your grocery shopping?"

"no, because you are basically my better half."

:/

I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doin' here?

[Creep-Radiohead]

i was getting creeped upon hardcore by this guy at the green fuzz party. i did not like it :(



at first, he was just standing next to me in the basement. and he said hi. i thought nothing of it. then, i found him standing next to me while standing in the hall way, while i was outside the basement door, in line for the bnathroom, and sitting on the couch in the living room. he kept showing up. finally while i was waiting in line for the bathroom, he introduced himself. he kissed my hand. i was flattered, but absolutely and totally uninterested. he asked me for a dance later. i gave something equivalent to a "meh" and left, trying not to be rude, but trying to show i was not interested.



he showed up later while a was in the basement. he wanted to dance with me. i didnt want to. he kept grabbing me. i didnt like it. my friends did not help me, they laughed at me. so i ran to the bathroom. he followed me. he started talking to me. i ran back to the basement.



he caught me again on a trip back from the bathroom (dont judge me, i broke the seal and had to pee all the damn time.) he had been sitting on the couch in the hallway that i would inevitably have to pass to get between the basement and the bathroom. he tried to talked to me. i was trying to get away. he said "so im single. how about you?" i stammered "uh.. uh.. i really have to get back to my friends now!" and ran off. he said "ill be here waiting for you!!" he was weirding me out.



i went back into the basement. i was fine for a while. errrca texted me and said "there is some guy out here asking everyone about you." i responded "help me!"then he walked into the basement, looking around. i moved across the room near the bar, putting the huge crowd of people between us. he saw me, and literally started circling. i ran up to Doorstop, one of the nice (and cute) frat brothers i had been talking to earlier, and drunkenly and babblingly explained my situation. i asked him to looking like we were having a legit conversation so hopefully the guy wouldnt come up to me, and to watch the guy and tell me when the guy wasnt looking so i could sneak away. doorstop helped me out. i ran out of the basement and found errrca. the guy followed out right behind me.



please let me explain. i know now there are many things i could have said that would have made this situation much better. i could have blatantly said "listen, im not interested." i could have responded to his question with "no im not single, and i love my boyfriend very much." even a "im actually here with my girlfriend," would have probably worked. i was fairly drunk, however, and thinking logically was difficult. i was legit getting freaked out by this guys persistence.



i hurdled the couch into the living room and ran to brett (errrcas bf) and geodude (another frat brother). errrca explained what was going on, and like everyone else, they laughed. i hid there for a while, and when she said the coast was clear, i went back to my drinking and such.



while i was in the basement again, i turned around to find him advancing on me from across the room. i turned and ran. the floor was sticky with alcohol and my foot got stuck. i broke my shoes running away from him. i got away and ran to the hallway. he was right behind me. i slid under the table that brett was working door from and hid under his legs until the guy couldnt find me and went in search elsewhere.



at this point, i think brett and geodude and doorstop and a few of the other guys had noticed just how very freaked out i was that this guy was bothering me. the guys went and had a talk with him and told him i was very very not interested and he needed to cool it. for the rest of the night, he was always around, watching, giving me looks, but he never said anything else to me.

Screw Math

i had my math exam today. it did not go nearly as well as i had hoped. i studied for this bitch for the last three days, which is more than i have studied for just about anything this semester. and did studying pay off? no. i thought the exam would be mostly Diff Eq since two of the three chapters on the exam were Diff Eq. we spent the majority of our time on Diff Eq. so logically, that should be the majority of the exam, right? wrong. only 3 of 10 questions were Diff Eq. so while all of that studying helped me rock those 3 questions, it did not help me in the slightest on the other 7. that math exam put me in a rather foul mood for the day. luckily, joel helped make my day slightly more tolerable. ;)

I am pleased.

i am pleased.



why am i pleased? i will tell you. keep in mind, this may not seem like a very big deal. but to me it is.



for the first time ever, or at least in a very long time, he showed what appeared to be legitimate concern about someone other than himself. he wants me to do well on my math exam tomorrow. i took him some food after i got off work, and when i walked in he asked me how work was. then he said "are you gonna go home and study for math?" and i said, "....meh probably not." and he said "but you havent studied at all!" which is not true. so i respond "i studied last night and this afternoon!" he turns to errrca, who was with me, and says "please make sure she studies." errrca says she will try. as i am leaving, he looks at me with a rather serious face and says in an entirely adorable way, "please go home and study. and call me tomorrow if you need any help before your exam."



after we left, errrca asked if he was normally so concerned with my study habits. he is not, but i have been stressing about this exam and this class. errrca even remarked that he looked mighty cute as he was imploring me to study. i noticed :).



like i said, this really doesnt seem like a big deal. and perhaps im just reading way more into it than i should. but honestly, i find myself wondering sometimes if he really only keeps me around because i am convenient and do alotta ridiculous shit for him. he is the type of person who rarely shows concern for anyone other than himself, and he thinks mostly about what will benifit him most. its just how he is. but maybe, just maybe, i register vaguely on the list of things he cares about. and that pleases me.

Sin las mapas, ellos siguen las estrellas.

spanish was badass today. joel may or may not have assisted in making it so ;]

today, mi profesora was talking about some spanish culture in relation to this play that we are about to start reading. she was telling us about this town in northern spain, and through this town runs a path. and people walk this path in a sort of religious journey. and she explained that these people just walk, without maps or anything, and just follow the stars to make it to their destination. i thought that was so profound. it boggled my mind lol.

oh, and one time i may have randomly burst into a fit of laughter. oops.

Creepin

i (with the assistance of jakob) creeped on dani hardcore :]

And thats karma, bitch.

Butler lost against Duke tonight. i think its only fitting that hayward missed the last shot in the last few seconds that would have won the game. why is it fitting, dare you ask?

i will tell you.

i remember it clearly. state game. 2008. senior year. we had not been dominating the game as we should have been. we were missing Pee Wee; he had been suspended due to drug charges and Ja'rob was having to try to fill his place. Some of our key players were in serious foul trouble. Scotty Wood had been iffy all night.. it is the last few seconds, and we are down 2 points. the clock is running down, and the ball is passed to scotty. we are all seriously worried; scotty had made very few of the threes he had attempted. he shoots. the ball sails through the air. he sinks a three. the buzzer sounds. the marion crowd roars. we win by one point. the refs huddle. there is much deliberation. they put 2.1 seconds back on the clock. we are furious, but really, 2.1 seconds is not enough time to do anything, right? wrong. brownsburg inbounds it. jay edwards jumps up, arm outstreched, trying to grab it. he misses, the ball grazing his fingertips right into the arms of a brownsburg player. time is moving so slowly at this point. the brownsburg player shoots. the ball hits the rim. balances there. the buzzer sounds, signaling the end of the game. time stands still as every person in conseco fieldhouse watches silently as the ball balances on the rim... then woosh.. the ball drops in. brownsburg wins by one point. and who is the brownsburg player who made the final shot, the hero who won their game? gordon hayward.

tonight, in the last 3.6 seconds, butler is down 3 points. they have time for one last shot. from about half court, the player shoots. the ball sails through the air, hits the backboard, hits the rim... MISS. the player who missed the final shot that would have won the game? Gordon Hayward. I guess his luck ran out.

ps: FUCK BROWNSBURG (i am still bitter about that game and probably always will be)

i was not as productive as i had hoped to be tonight. boo.

thank you, stumbleupon

I need you to know today I'll wait for you always, cause when I find you, I'll find me

[When You Find Me-Joshua Radin]

I had the best day ever on friday <3