A part of life that you'd soon forgot, and maybe thing about who you hurt in the process

[Trade Yourself In-Shinedown]

im having lunch with ryan today... maybe. i have to meet my MGMT group to go over our final project. i might have to bail on him. which makes me feel really bad. i agreed to have lunch with him today because he wanted me to go to this concert show thing saturday night with him and i said i might go, but then i bailed because joel took me out instead. this makes me a bad person i think. and a stupid person i think. i ditched a nice boy to be with one who doesnt really care all that much about me. its quite silly really. i dont like ryan like that. i just dont. and here is the biggest load of bullshit: all of the reason i have identified for not liking ryan i also see in joel but they dont bother me. for instance: ryan does a great many drugs. for some reason, that feels like a red flag. not because they change who he is, and not because he seems like a worthless addict or anything like that. it is.. just a concern i suppose. joel has basically done every drug known to mankind, minus the super hard ones, and it doesnt really phase me. ryan has a tendency to get blackout drunk. again, i have seen him when he is fairly drunk. he is a nice drunk, he is always nice to me. but still, i think its a bit concerning that he gets so wasted so often. joel goes out and gets drunk as fuck too. the other day he says "im gonna go out tonight and get SUPER drunk. Ill probably pass out lol" my response? "ok, have a good time! call me if you need a ride home." sometimes i feel that ryan has no motivation or drive in life other than to have a good time. that is a problem. joel is possibly the laziest person i have ever met, and he spends whole days doing nothing but smoking weed and playing video games. is that a problem? nope, i actually join him some days. all that this says is that i am basically a big giant stupid hypocrit. end of story.