Confusion

there is a plastic snake living in our house.

it keeps moving locations and im not sure who is doing it or for what purpose.

most recently, i saw it on the top of the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. tonight, its not there.

these are the kinds of things that keep me up at night.

:(

my heart hurts. i thought he was coming home, but hes leaving again. for good. i felt so happy and i just didnt want that to go away again.

You know there ain't no coming back when you're still carrying the past you can't erase, separate.Cigarette in my hand, hope you all understand..

[Breaking Inside-Shinedown]

things seem a bit rocky right now.

and i dont like it at all. not one bit.

because i know exactly how things will go if this whole thing falls apart.

things might be looking up for me right now. i dont need or want this.

i hope im wrong. i hope this is just a rough spot that will buff out.

i hope that "a couple weeks ago" is completely unrelated.

Someone like you-Adele

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I beg
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

After a brief hiatus....

I havent had cable or internet for like a month. ive been livin in the dark ages. but now... Im back, bitches.

Netflix. is. the. best.

netflix was both the best and the worst idea of my life.

the best because: i always have something to watch

the worst because: im always watching something

and netflix is so helpful. it makes suggestions for your viewing pleasure... it even makes my decisions for me. hot damn.

i barely left the couch for three days when it suggested the show Californication (brilliant show, by the way.)

now im hooked on dexter. its bad ass.

So, so you think you can tell heaven from hell? blue skies from pain? can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?

[Wish You Were Here-Pink Floyd]

i think life operates on the same principle as a roller coaster. no, not that cliched "it has its up and downs" line, though its true i guess. but thats not exactly what im talking about.

the first hill on a roller coaster is the highest itll ever go. the other peaks are tall too, and thrilling all the same, but the first one is the tallest, the best. the momentum gained from the first hill is what carries the coaster over the rest of the track. as it travels, friction and drag and resistance plague the coaster, stealing the kinetic energy established to carry it onward.

you spend all your childhood years building up to it. children are really elastic, they bounce back quickly after a setback. they recover quickly because they have no reason not to. sometime early on you hit your peak of maximum everything. maximum happiness, maximum luck, maximum my-life-is-fucking-awsomeness. but once its over, its over. you can look forward to the next hill, but as they say, its all downhill from here. as you get older, it gets harder to recover from all the shit life throws at you. life drags you down, and eventually you dont get back up the way you did before.

Though bells will ring church steeples were catchin fire. If you promise spring, then I’ll know you are a liar

[Souverian-Andrew Bird]

I dont think we realize how tenuous our present state in life is.

we spend years planning, scheming, acting in order to achieve a certain status. and once we get there, we think its solid and secure. but its not. in a single second everything can be turned upside down.

I'm in the far lane, I'm running this shit, hundred yard gain. Uhh, swag on infinity

[I'm Not a Human Being-Lil Wayne]

i hung out with the new brothers at the house. i am teaching the young ones to respect and adore me. i mean, i do have to continue my traditional game of "which brother at the house creeped on me this time?" so they must experience my girlish charm firsthand :p i kid. i rarely enjoy this game, but they tend to creep against my wishes and errrca and i joke about it all the time.

anyways. i really enjoyed them. they were quite entertaining because they reminded me alot of me when i was a freshman. slightly socially awkward. still full of hopes and dreams. college hasnt crushed their spirits yet. they have just partied away freshman year while maintaining decent grades. nolan thinks he is gonna be a chemical engineer, and gruber is gonna be a mechanical engineer. they think they are just gonna walk in and own shit. they have no idea.

I'll be gone for a while, I'm on cloud nine. I said goodbye..

[Cloud 9-B.oB.]

the semester is almost over.

freedom. is. so. close.

Day 28: A picture of something you're afraid of

i am terrified of spiders.

this picture specifically is of a wolf spider.

my father owns a large house out in the middle of the woods. in the winter, all the bugs come inside. when i was younger and stayed at his house, i had to put my shoes on every night to walk to the bathroom to kill the wolf spiders on my way. it was terrifying.

Day 27: A picture of yourself and a family member

This is my niece, Phoenix. I love this wee one somethin awful :]

Day 26: A picture of something that means a lot to you

this is my spongebob necklace. i love watching cartoon, and spongebob squarepants is one of my favorites. my dad (bob) always made fun of me for it. i came home from college one and he gave me this. he said "here, because you always watch your gay ass tv shows." but what he really meant was "i love you even though i think you are dumb."

boo.

i had a crush on this boy. and i thought this boy would never ever like me in a thousand years. but he did. i never knew the whole time. he graduates in two weeks.

life is so unfair.

Day 25: A picture of your favorite day

Bucket Game: Sophomore year. Favorite day :]

Day 24: A picture of something you wish you could change

This is my room. the one tiny, miserable space i call my own. i hate every single time i have to come back here. i try spending most of my time at any place that is not this one, with anyone who is not jakob and rebecca. every day i wish i could change where i live. i wish i had moved in with bridge and told my mom to stfu when she told me to live in this shit hole with that judgmental bitch. i cant wait til may!

...

I get thrown into the middle of things i really dont want to be in. Some things shouldnt be mine to worry about.

i think i might plan a trip to maryland.

Day 23: A picture of your favorite book

Ok, im a giant lame ass, I know. but i love the harry potter series. no other book has ever excited me about reading quite like these did. The fourth book was my favorite. Or possibly the second. But they are all pretty much the shit.

Day 22: A picture of something you wish you were better at

Call of Duty. I have never failed more at something in my entire life. My stats read something like "Kills:0 Deaths:43809854898090984687568795480943089. Its awful. All my friends play COD, and I wish I was good enough to play without embarrassing the hell out of myself.

Day 21: A picture of something you wish you could forget

this is harrison. yuck.

Day 20: A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

This is Venice, Italy

I want to go there more than any other place in the world.

Day 19: A picture and a letter

Dear Tracy,

I think you are a selfish bitch.

bob tries to act like he doesnt care about you, but he does. youre breaking his heart and its sad to watch. but im sure you dont care. you dont care about anyone other than yourself.

XOXO,

Your loving sister

PS: An invite to your wedding would have been a nice gesture.

I am dumb.

I just tried to schedule a post for 2/29/2011.

I was momentarily confused as to why it would not work.

Fail.

Day 18: A picture of your biggest insecurity

my biggest insecurity is now, and always has been, my weight. ive always been fat and ive always hated it. it makes my self esteem almost non existent. im trying to feel better about myself, so i posted this picture. its an actual picture of my actual weight. i havent told anybody how much i weigh in a really long time. but i lost a bunch of weight, and im proud of that. its something i have to work on still, but i feel slightly better about myself now. i have to learn to like myself, no matter the number on the scale.

Day 17: A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

This is a picture of when bridge and matt finally made it FB official. the whole drama made a huge impact on my life. yeah, it was sad and it sucked giant balls. but i think it taught me alot too. i found out who my real friends are. there were a couple people that were crucial to my sanity during the drama, some expected and some unexpected. meghan and dani listened to me cry and whine and mope countless times. they are my bestie and beef, and i appreciate every single time they have assisted me through a life crisis. life would suck without them. but i also found josh, who took me to ihop and listened to me cry at 4 am and bought me pancakes. he took care of me the whole time, and i love him for that. tyler talked me through alot of it too. he made me feel better about myself when i was feeling like shit. he taught me how to shrug it off and not let it bother me. it was nice to find people who care. and i learned that everything does buff out. sometimes, it doesnt seem like things will ever work out, but i think if you can hold on long enough, they eventually do. i learned that sometimes, things arent quite the crisis they seem to be. everything felt really shitty while it was going on, but it probably isnt the worst thing thats ever gonna happen. i realized that my friendship with bridgette was too important to squabble away over something like this, because it really wasnt worth losing it over. me and bridgette are still best friends, maybe even a little closer because we both saw what we almost lost. me and matt are pretty tight now too. everything happens for a reason.

Day 16: A picture of someone who inspires you

I think my mom is pretty awesome. She's been through alot in her life, but she got through it all and used it to be a better person. She's always been there for me when i needed her, and she is pretty much the best mom ever. I hope that if i have kids, i can be somewhere near as great as she is.

also, my hair was cute in this picture. i miss it a little bit :[

Day 15: A picture of something you want to do before you die

I want to see the Northern Lights.

Mystery of Life: Solved.

tonight, tyler, dan, and i discussed what Kirby is made of.

tyler thought kirby was a wad of bubblegum, because kirby is pink and can blow into bubbles.

i always imagined kirby to be marshmallowy.

dan had the best answer of all. when consulted about his opinion on kirby's makeup, he responded "no guys. kirby is made of the dreams of a thousand little children" and then went back to doing his hw.

the dreams of a thousand little children. of course.

Day 14:A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

This is Joel. And i love him. he has become a very important part of my college life and i cant imagine going through this hell called purdue engineering without him. joel has been my friend for a while now, but it wasnt until recently that i realized how very important he was to me. i realized that so many people come and go, but joel has been one of those constants in my life since i came here freshman year. he can be hateful and hard to get along with, and needy as fuck. but he is mine, and i love him lol.

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band or artist

Weezy F Baby

Uh yeah. i heart rap music.

Day 12: A picture of something you love.

I love my dog!

Day 11: A picture of something you hate

This is my textbook for ChE 378: Heat and Mass Transfer.

I hate it. It will be either the first class i withdraw from or the first class i get a legitimate F in.

I hate Chemical engineering in general.

Ahem.

After a brief absence, i am back to continue my 30 day picture thingy. i realize i was probably supposed to post these for 30 consecutive days but... we all know im not the best blogger ever.

It didnt help that i worked 33 hours this week, 22 of which were packed into my weekend. doesnt leave much extra time. boo.

anyways, i shall continue.

Day 10: A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with

Without a doubt, me and bridge get ourselves into more ridiculous situations than should even be possible. I love her to death, and i wouldnt trade a single one of our outrageous adventures for the world.

Day 9: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

I am going to cheat massively on this one. I have so many people in my life that have gotten me through so much. I really cant pick just one.

Picture 1: Meghan. Shes been my best friend since the 5th grade. She has definitely helped me through alotta shit.

Picture 2: Errrca. She has been one of my best friends here at college. I know that i can call her at any hour of any day if i have a problem and she will always be there. Erica is probably the most reasonable and rational of all my friends, and i can always count on her to keep me grounded.

Picture 3: Jen and Dani. I freaking love them. I know i can always call them with any problem and they will help me through it. I can always expect an appropriate amount of sympathy, but they never ever hesitate to tell me how stupid i am or how ive messed shit up lol.

Also, I dont think i would have ever made it through some of the stuff i did recently without tyler and josh. they helped me out more than they had to, and i love them both for it.

Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh

thisa is a picture of me and my twinsie... i miss her :( me jayne and errrca all went in on a wedding gift for our boss, and we just decided to get her a gift card. we picked out a card that you could slide a personal picture into. erica was not around when we had to give it to her, and we didnt have a picture of the three of us, so me and jayne took one on our own and photoshopped errrcas floating head into this picture.

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item

If my house was burning down and i could only grab one thing, it would be my green blankey. ive had that blanket since i was born; it was the first thing my mom ever gave to me. when i was sick, the two times i went to the hospital, i always had my blankey and it made me feel better. when i got nervous or upset, i would worry the silk edges and it made me feel better. blankey is threadbare now, and his edges are ripped off beyond repair. finally i retired him to the top of my closet. but i always have my green blankey just in case.

Day 6: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

I would probably trade places with Angelina Jolie. Not gonna lie, id sell internal organs if i could look like her. and id be married to brad pitt. awesome.

Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory

Ok i cheated. i used more than one picture. my bad.

birthday weekend. best. time. ever.

Day 4: A picture of your favorite night

The night my beefs and I drunkenly roamed IU's campus :]

I chilled on a piano. In a puddle.

Day 3: A picture of the cast from your favorite show

I love south park.

The Towelie episode is my favorite.

Day 2: picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Me and Meghan on her wedding day.

Ive been friends with Meghan since the 5th grade. she is my oldest friend and i cant imagine what i would have done without her all these years. shes my bestie (not to be confused with my beef, who is equally as awesome. ive just known meghan longer)

Day 1: A picture of me and 10 useless facts about me

1. I positively cant stand having the back of my knees touched

2. If im not driving, i dont like to sit on the left side of the car

3. I brush my teeth twice when i brush my teeth

4. I match the lighter i carry each day to my outfit

5. I prefer to take notes/do hw on printer paper so i dont feel constrained by the lines of notebook paper

6. My toenails are always painted some crazy color.

7. I refuse to grow up all the way. I still color. I still watch cartoons. Being a child is way more fun.

8. I am the most sickly person you will ever meet.

9. My friends decided i was the one person they would use as their phone-a-friend on a game show. I am a fountain of random (and possibly useless) information.

10. I have a birthmark on my chin everybody mistakes for a giant bruise.

Tengo un examencito!

i just STUDIED LIKE CRAZY for my spanish exam tomorrow.

i feel quite accomplished.

hopefully i do well on it.

:[

jakob had another talk with me today. he makes me feel bad about myself.

Dear life: make a note of this.

josh is one of the most genuinely nice guys i have ever met.

life would be alot easier if he just came home and declared his undying love for me.

I am here to show you how it feels to be new. Look at what I made true God to teach you

[Embrace the Martian-Kid Cudi]

it is the 10th of january and i realized i never made any new years resolutions. its not too late to do that right?

Last year my resolutions were as follows:


1.lose some more poundage. i dont have a set limit, just some pounds.
2.go to the Co-rec at least once a week to accomplish resolution listed above
3.get my GPA back up to the 3.5 i need to keep my scholarship money
4.pass 205 with flying colors (or get at least a C)
5.make a new friend
6.join a club/some group other that work stuff
7.get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
8.call my gma more. it makes her happy
9.manage my money better
10.manage my time better
11.cross at least one more thing off my life list
12.keep my rom and apartment cleaner
13.study more
14.buy some cute clothes that make me look hott :)
15.finish a knitting project
16.keep in touch with meghan better
17.have fun!
18.get rid of some junk out of my room.
19.wake up to the fun song ;)

i think i did ok. i didnt keep them all, but then who ever does?
Results:

1. i lost more weight. yay!
2. i went to the co rec for a while.. but im lazy. so i stopped.
3. My GPA decline sharply. oh well, what can you do?
4. i got a B+ in 205. im pleased.

5. i made lots of new friends in 2010. ed, gabe, eric, matt, logan, and so many other awesome people!

6. i didnt join a damn thing. just worked more.

7. another big fail. some nights i didnt sleep.

8. another fail. im the worst.

9. my bank account is not happy.

10. i partied more than i should have. so sue me.

11. oh i did.

12. im happy with how clean my room is.

13. i didnt study nearly enough. i realize that now. i have to do better.

14. i did!

15. i probably finished something..

16. i even went to boston to see her. i miss my bestie!

17. i had the most fun ever!

18. i cleaned my room likea bitch.

19. yeahh.. not gonna happen.

and now, for some resolutions for 2011:

1. Get better grades this semester. study more, do all my hw, etc. my gpa needs to stop sucking ass.

2. make a conscious effort to walk next to people, not behind them

3. make at least one new friend. i love new people!

4. lose more weight. still fat. not cool.

5. find a cute boy that positively adores me.

6. be a good friend. i have some of the greatest friends ever, and i wish to be as good to them as they are to me.

7. pay off my credit card bill. holy crap i need to stop charging things to it.

8. minimize the negativity in my life. i think i have some people around me that are more concerned with judging and condemning me than being my friend. dislike.

9. keep my room cleaner. yikes this place gets messy.

10. learn to cook for next school year.

hopefully i can accomplish some of these things!

So ask me tomorrow what I thought of yesterday. There's so many things that I could not explain

[Ghosts-Dirty Vegas]

jarred drank an entire fifth of captain and then told me he loved me.

what. the. fuck.