Hmm.. Its good to see you have dreams, I guess.

"My goal is to graduate and buy a Ferrari and blow coke off the dashboard"

*disclaimer: this is not my goal. i did not say this.

Beeboop.

soo i guess i cant really be mad at him this time. he didnt bail on me intentionally. he drowned his phone in some alcohol on friday and wont get a replacement for a week or two. that doesnt mean i take back what i said, because i feel that all that still holds true, it just might not pertain to this time exactly.

Thats useful i suppose.

-"damn, your hands are really cold."

-"well warm them up for me.... oh! when i was in boy scouts, they told us if our hands got extremely cold, to stick them down our pants cuz thats the warmest place on our body."

-"....um im going to advise against that right now."

And I miss you more than I should, than I thought I could. I can't get my mind off of you

[The Fear You Won't Fall-Joshua Radin]

he said "we are alot alike, you and me."

this is not true.

yes, we are alike in some ways. we are two impossibly lazy people. we despise running and nerdy kids who play HvZ on campus, we refuse to eat vegetables, and we openly laugh at and make fun of people. superficially, yes, we are similar in some ways.

but i am not like you. i am kind. i am dependable. i actually care. when i say i will do something, or be somewhere, i do it. i dont make empty promises, and i dont get your hopes up just to crush them. i take care of you. i do so much for you.

he bailed on me again. i know i should not count on him. i know i should not get my hopes up. but i thought that this time would be different because it wasnt just me this time. but it didnt matter. he only does what he wants to do, it doesnt matter.

you told me that i am one of the only people who actually cares. you admitted i am the only one who makes sure you are ok. you told me you are so glad you met me. you said we were friends. sometimes, it doesnt seem like it.

i keep wishing he will change. maybe, if i do more for him, maybe if i give him everything you ask for, he will be different. people never change. he will not change.

and the thing is, i know this. i know he will not change. i know i cant make him change. i know he will not change for me. and for now, i know i will stay. i know i will keep making excuses for him. i will keep defending him. i will keep doing everything for him. because i am stupid.

Steve.

went to the indy zoo with errrca and brett today. it was a pretty good time. i like hanging out with them. even though they are dating, they are not super couply. they dont constantly hang all over each other like brack and jabecca do. we got to pet some sharks, and we named a penguin steve, and made brett pet a lizard, and decided we were gonna steal animals, and made fun of people, and hated all the little children that were there. it was fun.

i wish he meant the things he said :(

Plans

im excited. i have things to look forward to. hanging out with joel tomorrow. gettin drnkafuck with errbody on friday. zoo on saturday with errrca. hoorah :)

I just want something real. I've found the words if I could just stop thinking

[Spinning-Jack's Mannequin]

i feel like i do alot for him. like really.

he hurt his foot fairly badly over spring break. he decided to stop smoking. he got so angry that he kicked the shit out of a chair. he ended up fucking up all the ligaments in his foot. he cant walk. he is gonna have to be on crutches for a while, and possibly even go to therapy. he cant really walk. this morning, it took him 25 minutes to make a 12 minute walk. he was gonna be late to class at the rate he was walking. so he called me to drive him. at 8:11 in the morning. when my alarm doesnt go off until 11:30. so i got up and drove him. the whole time, i yelled at him for being stupid.

he was supposed to meet this bitch today before soc so she could return something of his that she had. he didnt wanna walk all the way to soc. i went to meet her for him instead.

i texted him after class to see if he needed anything, because even though he is a dumbass and did this to himself, i almost feel bad for him. of course, he needed something. he wanted me to bring him dinner. he texted me a little bit after that. he wanted me to bring his friend some food too. am i a delivery boy now? but of course, i brought it.

as i was leaving his place, i said "do you need anything else?" he said "you could go get me some cigarettes." i got angry. i yelled. "THE APPROPRIATE FUCKING RESPONSE TO THAT WAS 'NO, KAYLA, YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING FOR ME TODAY AND I APPRECIATE IT! AND NO I DONT NEED ANYTHING ELSE!'" he just stared at me for a second. then he said "i mean.. you have done everything for me today. thank you, i dont need anything else." after i felt sufficiently appreciated, i said "ok, now i will get you cigarettes." he said "do you wanna go to the bank and get money for me." i got angry again. i said "where the fuck is the bank?" he says "walmart." and i yell. "NO I DONT WANNA DRIVE ALL THE FUCKING WAY TO FUCKING WALMART." so he says, "its ok, you dont have to go." and i say, "ill get you cigarettes." and he says, "No. You dont need to worry about it," in a very matter-of-fact voice. and i say in an equally stern voice, "its fine. im getting you cigarettes." and then walk out of his room. then he gets mad. and he yells, "KAYLA. I COME BACK HERE! I SAID YOU DONT NEED TO." and i come back and yell, "IM GOING!" and he yells, "NO!" and we are literally just standing there yelling at each other back and forth. and finally i yell, "ILL BE BACK!" and huff out. i bought them and returned. he was sitting on the porch, looking a bit like a scolded puppy. when i walked up he said "im glad you're back." i handed him the cigarettes. he said "thank you. you are awesome." my anger melted away a little. i might even have smiled at him. maybe. as a test, i said, "do you need anything else?" he laughed and said "no im good. thanks." he passed. he asked me to hang out with him on thursday. he is good at winning me over. as i walked away i sighed loudly. "call me in the morning if you cant gimp to class in a timely fashion." he laughed. i said "call me if you need me. but seriously, try not to need me."

I swim for brighter days, despite the absence of sun, choking on salt water.

[Swim-Jack's Mannequin]

i am in an angry mood.

i shall now complain.

i felt sick to my stomach all day.

i am getting a sinus infection.

my arm is just one big dull ache from my elbow to my wrist.

i cant finish my math hw.

i should have written soc papers but did over break. i wont now cuz i am tired as hell.

i came home from work to find zack still in my apartment. this makes me indescribably unhappy.

i did not do as well as i should have on my 205 exam.

bah. can i have another week of spring break pleaseeee?

I will shank a bitch.

day 2 of continuous zack time. i dont know how much longer i can take. i have started to be a complete and utter bitch to him. they still dont get it. i have made many comments about his being there all the time. they dont get it. i have seriously sat down and talked to my roommate about it twice now. they still dont get it. the boy drives me fucking bonkers. i cant stand being around him all the time. i overlooked it the last two days cuz they didnt see each other over the last week. and i love my roomie to pieces and she is happy when he is around. but he is not staying over again tomorrow. my sanity will not allow it. she can go spend the night in his room. but he is not staying here. my next plan is to ask joel to come over all the time, because she cannot stand him at all, and she will finally get to see what it is like.

hmmm.

so ya know how i hurt my arm over spring break? it has now bruised all the way up to my wrist. is this a problem?

P.S.

if i end up in jail very soon, it will probably be for murdering bridges new boyfriend. i have been with him for the last 12 hours. he apparently is staying the night. i want him to GO THE FUCK AWAY.

that is all.

I want Starbucks.

i find that people are very unreliable. its a bit depressing when you get right down to it.

poo was supposed to come visit this weekend. she apparently took the weekend off work. she told us all the way up til last friday that she was coming today. when we asked what time she was coming here, she never answered. she never showed up.

one of my friends texted me yesterday. she wanted to know when we could hang out before class started up again. i said we were all hanging out tonight. she texted again today to see if we were hanging out. i told her the plans and she said she and my other friend that she is dating would be there for sure. they cancelled because they made other plans. she went on to say how she really really wanted to hang out before class started, but they were just booked solid this weekend, sorry bout it. so why did she text me in the first place? why did she say they would be there?

i know things come up and plans must be cancelled. it happens i suppose.

The Big Dance

Opening Day of the Big Dance. Im talkin March Madness. NCAA College Basketball. Perhaps one of my favorite times of year in terms of sports. Last year i won the bracket in the pool i was playing. The year before that i almost won. almost. this year, i doubt i will win. this year, i feel, is the year of the upset. and my bracket has been sorta shot to hell already.

Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue

[Sweet Home Alabama-Lynyrd Skynyrd]

orange beach, alabama was beautiful. a very lovely place to go for spring break. i had a pretty good time. it was a a weekend of firsts.



first time ive ever been to alabama for one



first time playing drunk putt-putt



new record for finishing off a bottle of tequila (3 days)



first time skinny dippin ;)



first time shotgunning a beer



i got lost on the beach for like three hours one night. me and schnepp went for a drunken walk... and got lost. we just walked and walked and walked until we fell into a puddle, then decided to turn back. only we didnt know which building was ours. the seashells on the beach were cutting my feet, and as we were walking i randomly found a pair of flip flops that were my exact size... so i stole them. we finally found our way back. nobody was worried about us apparently.. they were all passed out. great friends they are.



speaking of that boy, jakob was trying to hook me up with him. it didnt happen. he was very hung up on this girl back home. a girl that has a serious boyfriend. stupid on his part. oh well. besides, i realized something. he was too nice. which sounds strange, but he was just... too nice. there was no edge to him. that just doesnt work for me.



i janked up my arm while i was there. i was drunkenly walking on the beach. fell. hurt my elbow. its a nasty shade of purple and about twice its normal size. i cant straighten it all the way and it hurts like crazy to move it certain ways. oh well. im sure its fine.



we went to this really spiffy place for dinner one night. it was called Lamberts. they had tasty southern food. and they threw delicious hot rolls at you. yes, threw them. you had to catch your food. interesting. and tasty. the waiter was creepin on me however. he kept putting his arm around me and stuff. dislike.



i decided that i am gonna move down there. i love the food. and i am gonna find an adorable alabama boy to just speak in his lovely accent to me at all times. sounds like a plan.

She don't know she's beautiful, though time and time I've told her so

[She Don't Know She's Beautiful-Sammy Kershaw]

i had a really good day today. ya know why? because some guy i barely know gave me a really nice compliment and it was enough to make me smile the rest of the day :)

"you look beautiful today"

Im not sure if thats a compliment or not....

here is a conversation me and errrca had with two drunk girls at hotbox after work.

girl 1: (to me) "hey, i like your shirt!"
me: "thanks...."
girl 1: "yeah! i like your black shirt! you have broad shoulders!"
me: "....thanks??"
girl 1: "just dont wear shoulder pads. if you see shoulder pads, just rip em out!"
girl 2: "yeah, this aint the 80s."

and literally, with no transition

girl 1: "so one time my mom tried to teach me to drive a manual, and i messed up and stalled the car twice."
me: (confused) "uhhh.. yeah?"
girl 1: "yep."

pause for a while

girl 1: (to me again) "hey! im really drunk. i never drink. i cant feel my toes."
me: "yeah, that happens."
girl 1: "how long until im sober?"
errrca: "how much did you have to drink?"
girl 1: (names off some stuff) "oh, and i had a vodka and cranberry. a big Where Else mug. and me and my friend decided to race drinking it. i won! i guess im just better at sucking it down than her. haha im better at sucking."
girl 2: "yeah well maybe thats why you have a 15 month old kid and i dont."

at this point, me and errrca decided to sneak out past them.

Your love's like one last cigarette. Last cigarette, I will savor it

[Last Cigarette-Bon Jovi]

when you buy a new pack of cigarettes, you turn two upside down. "one for good luck, and one for a good fuck."

Untitled

sometimes i fear that i am incredibly stupid :(

lets go purdue basketball.

last night was the IU-Purdue basketball game. we pretty much made them our bitch the entire time. final score 74-55, and thats only cuz we pulled all of our starters in the last 4 minutes. but then again, so did IU. well, their starters fouled out. it was also senior night. we had three graduating seniors. two were important, one really never played so we didnt care about him too much. it was sad, seeing chris kramer and keaton grant go. mostly cuz kramer is fine as hell and is my future husband, he just doesnt know it yet lol. but in all seriousness, it was sad to see them play their last minutes on keady court. you spend two years watching these people play every week, seeing them in the paper, on tv, and its like they represent something important. or maybe not. i dunno.

Ballin'!

IU-Purdue game tomorrowwwww. i am immensely excited. hopefully *fingers crossed* we should whoop their ass, but you never know. especially with our star player out for the rest of the season. there goes any hope of a final four appearance. why robbie hummel, whyyyy? for goodness sake i would have torn my ACL if he could have kept his! i dont really need mine anyways!

You would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb

[Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd]

i had a conflicting weekend. i had fun all weekend. everything was great, and i had a good time doing everything i did. i didnt do a single bit of hw, studying, cleaning or sleeping. my lungs hurt like a bitch after the last few days. looking back, i feel like i should not have had a good time. its hard to explain. somtimes i feel bad about the things i do, cuz i feel like i should be trying to stop because this isnt really me. and sometimes i feel bad because i dont feel bad. like... sometimes i am totally ok with what i do, and i feel like i shouldnt be. nobody else is. i dunno. hmmf.

And every sunset that we'll miss, I'll wrap them all up in a kiss

[When I Look to the Sky-Train]

soooo i havent blogged in a very long time. i have a whole bunch to talk about i think. whats been going on?? hmm. well ill start with the most depressing thing thats happened lately since i have been whining about it alot lately lol.

so. as you all know, there is a boy. a boy that i like very much. on saturday, i found out that said boy has... a girlfriend? i dunno what she is. but he has a girl. i think i knew this. last friday when we were hanging out he kept getting calls from somebody. he talked to her the way you would talk to a silly ass bitch who is all up in your business. then sautrday, when we were hanging out again, she called him. she could hear his roommate's voice in the background. she was being all loud and upset and shit. he says "no i dont have company." clearly i was sitting right there. he was hiding me. ok fine. then he says, amidst her loud ass blathering, "no, i dont have company. that was just my roommate talking." she yammers some more. he says "well yeah, kayla is here." then he laughs, looks over at me, and says "pfft, come on. its only kayla." ouch. at that moment, my heart broke into approximately a million little pieces. he might as well have ripped out my heart and stomped on it. ok.. so maybe im being a bit over-dramatic, but it hurt. with that one statement, he very clearly let me and her know exactly how he feels about me. he was just letting her know that she should feel absolutely no jealousy towards me whatsoever. i am in no way a threat and she should not flip out over me. i am nothing.

well i guess that settles that.

Updates soooon

a certain cripply ho is all yellin about me not updating this enough. simmer down. ill post more soon, when it is not 3:33 am and i dont need to sleep.

New favorite song

old, but good. and it makes my ears feel like they are floating :)

Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd

Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Just nod if you can hear me.

Is there anyone home?
Come on, Come on, Come on, now,

I hear you're feeling down.

Well, I can ease your pain

Get you on your feet again.

Relax.

I'll need some information first.

Just the basic facts.

Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

When I was a child I had a FEVER

My hands felt just like two balloons.

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am.

I have become comfortably numb.

(solo)I have become comfortably numb.

O.K.

Just a little pin prick.

There'll be no more aaaaaaaaah!

But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good.

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on it's time to go.

There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.

You are only coming through in waves.

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying.

When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye.

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown,

The dream is gone.

but I have become comfortably numb.