They say quitters never win, but we walk the plank on a sinking ship

[Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?-Fall Out Boy]

so i have an exam tomorrow night. chem. and an exam the next nigtht. engr 126. and an exam a week from wed. physics. im freeeeeaking out man. i should do averagely on chem. im studying alot for 126. im just gonna flat out fail physics. i have no idea how do to anything in that class. it seriously makes me wanna drop outta college. or die. either one. ugh i hate that class. hate it hate it hate it hate it. so im gonna study big time. and maybe that will help. or i might just be incredibly stupid and have to drop out of college cuz i cant pass beginner's physics. either one. welp, im off to bed. i have a doctors app in the morning cuz im feeling mighty unpleasantly ill. so wish me luck on my exams.

I can't take my mind off you, til I find somebody new

[Blower's Daughter-Damien Rice]

so there is this guy. and he confuses me. and i like him. its a mess. ya see, when he is nice to me i am happy. but when he is mean, or just plain ignores me, which the case most of the time, like saturday for instance, i get all sad and depressive and self-hating. ya know the whole "why cant i be prettier, why cant i have a boy, why cant i be skinnier?" sort of thing. not fun. i wish we could at least be friends, or friendly towards each other, or dang, it would be nice if we could just have a normal conversation once and a while. instead, as i do believe i have detailed in previous posts, we just stand around awkwardly, neither of us really saying anything to each other. the thing is, i dunno what to say cuz whenever i say something, its still awkward and so i find it just as easy to not talk. but i really wish i could talk to him, like everyone else does so easily. note to self, work on witty banter. i am an idiot. i should just act natural around him. but the thing is, my natural is awkward and uncool. so thats probably not a good idea. sigh. im wearing makeup to work on thurs. not that it will really help any. but i will do anything i can. ugh. things would be so much simpler if i was thin and gorgeous. and another thing. why dont i just pick myself out an equally unattractive, uncool dork with low standards? that would be much easier. but oh no. that would be too easy. instead, one day it dawns on me "hey, you like that ridiculously attractive, probably attached, guy that ignores you most of the time." and thats just how it happened too. i was standing at the register one night and he walks out to the dining room to clean and instead of doing whatever he went out there to do, he stands there and watches tv. and i stand there looking at him with a big goofy smile on my face. and when i realized what i was doing, all i could think was "well, piss. way to go me. brilliant plan." so yes. its a mess. im in for a lot of self loathing i do believe.

It's 3am, and I finally say...

[Why-Jason Aldean]

its 3am. i am tired. i worked for 11.5 hours today. i have to get up early. im going to bed. ugh.

And I just can't pull myself away

[Closer-Ne-Yo]

i am super duper tired. i should be doing calc hw to prepare for my exam on tues, but the bed looks so darn comfy and im very tired...



i spent my entire day working on hw for one class. 8 hours to be specific. i spent more time on hw for ENGR 126 than i slept last night. thats what i did. all day. 126 hw. oh and we did it wrong anyways. but i dont care at this point. ugh, i hate that class sooooooooooooooooooooo much. i hate it i hate it i hate it.



anyways, im gonna try to get a few calc problems done before i go to sleep. night.

Now that we're here, its so far away

[So Far Away-Staind]

i miss my friends. its quite sad. things just happen every once and awhile that remind me of my friends and then i get all sad and miss them. like last night at work this guy was standing in my way, and he goes "oh, im sorry." and without thinking i go, "oh, you should be." cuz thats what i would say to carrie or justin or dani or something. and they would understand. but this guy didnt understand. and he just stops and stares at me for like a minute like i am the biggest jerk in the whole world. then he goes "your just supposed to accept my apology ok?" and i was like "no, see i was just kidding, my friends and i....ok never mind." and so now im pretty sure he thinks im a big jerk. and it made me miss my friends.

and every time i sit down at my desk i miss my cripple. cuz i have little piles of green lifesavers sitting all over my desk. i always always give the green ones to dani and seeing them sitting on my desk reminds me how far away she is :( Why did we go to college???????? we were supposed to become beach bums together! oh dani. pull a jen and come see me! licenses are just silly suggestions anyways!!!!

ok lovelies. that was my depressing post for the night. dani told me to say something. so i did. now its time for a wee bit of math hw and then sleep. night all.

Awkward you, awkward me, awkward after all this time.

[Awkward-Craig David]

tonight i worked. i normally dont work on fridays but the manager asked me to come in so i did. itll give me extra money, so its all good. i only knew one person that was working that night. josh. and still, i just cant figure this guy out for the life of me. like one minute he is telling me how im doing everything wrong. and then he glares at me cuz he thinks i made i mess when i didnt. but then the next minute he is hetting me a milkshake and smiling at me. bipolar anyone? but every time im around him i get a little more convinced that he cant stand me. and im not sure why. i dont think i have ever done anything to him. maybe its just one of those times when you dislike someone but cant say why. i hope not, cuz i really dont have a problem with him and id like him to not have a problem with me. sometimes i just wanna walk up and be like "dude whats your beef with me?" (haha that was fun to say). whatev. im gonna try not to worry about it.

bad news. carrie and justin were supposed to come visit me next weekend. carrie cancelled tonight. i know she didnt mean it, but i realize now i should have never gotten my hopes up. i was so excited. people just arent dependable. so ill probably work. tabbatha asked me to cover two of her shifts over the weekend and i told her i friends coming to visit so no. now ill go back and see if she still needs them covered. cuz i have nothing better to do now. i wonder who works on sat and sun? and when i say that, i more or less mean i wonder is josh would be working. i doubt it cuz he seems to mostly close. im caught between wanting to not work with him to avoid the awkward, yet i want to be around him to see what is going on. again, whatev.

football game tomorrow. its also parents weekend. my dad and stepmom are coming to visit. eh. so now i need me some sleep. nightl

Music makes the people come together

[Music-Madonna]

so tonight i hung out with the girls from upstairs. they are super cool. their names are mandy and katie. they are fun.



well first i was walking to dinner, sadly alone, and they were just coming back from dinner. and they stopped me and were all like "your eating by yourself?!? no, next time call us. you cant eat by youself. no no." and when i came back from dinner, they were sitting on the front walk in front of our building. and mandy had a guitar. and she was trying to play, even though in reality she doesnt know how. but she was strumming along and katie was singing along. and they were like "seriously, join us. hang with us. itll be fun." so i sat down and chilled. mandy and katie decided to "serenade" every person that walked by. katie was coming up with new, original lyrics. such as "hey boy. i like your green shorts. yeah yeah yeah. id like to see them on my floor yeah yeah." or "hey you. are you ignoring me? are you ignoring me? jeeeeerk!" and stuff like that. most people gave us weird looks or just ignored us completely. a few nice people stopped to chat lol. one guy stopped and hung out with us for a little bit. his name was matt. he was pretty nice. another guy, shane, stopped to sell us cookies lol. it was fun. i think im gonna try to hang out with them more cuz they are cool.

Who has to know the way she feels inside?

[Dirty Little Secret-All American Rejects]

ok, so this was somebodys secret on postsecret this week. but it could have been mine. i totally could have written this. because i sat right there on the couch in my apartment and wished it. i did. and then i heard the news that he had in fact gotten hurt and would be out for the season. then of course i felt terrible cuz it actually did happen even though i know that my wishing had nothing to do with it. but still. its just weird cuz i can identify with so many of the secrets posted. i am a postsecret addict now. thanks to allie. she told me to go look one day. and i did. and i have been hooked ever since. i read them every week. seriously, you cant help but keep reading the new ones every week. they are great. im glad she told me about them. Way to go Allie!

You work at a smile and you go for a ride. You had a bad day.

[Bad Day-Daniel Powter]

so i was having a completely bad day today. i woke up at 8 am after a night of very little sleep. i went to calc recitation to take a quiz i felt mildly unsure about. then i went to physics where an angry little german man made me feel terribly stupid and hopeless. everything seemed pretty bad for some reason. i had chem lab and i dressed in work clothes. i looked like trash, and, as always happens, i saw someone i want to impress when i was looking like garbage. plus, i had cramps and was feeling rather emotional thanks to mother nature's fast approaching gift. and, i had a long night at work to look forward too. woo hoo. thursday night means 6-close. it means a whole mess of cleaning and dishes and scrubbing and chopping and weighing and other work-related things. ugh. and i knew that after i got done at work around 11 i had to come home, finish my hw, take a shower, eat, and get ready for the next day. it was just one of those days.

but actually, going to work made my day better. i actually got happier at work.

see i work wed morning and thurs night. i like my job better wed morning. i work pick and mix all morning. basically, i just make salads all day. pretty easy. thursday night i pack up pick and mix. then i weigh salads, chop all ingredients needed for the next day, and clean it up. when that is done, i have to go clean other stuff. its really not fun. but i like the people i work with thurs night better. the wed people are great dont get me wrong, but the thurs people are more fun. mostly cuz the managers usually go home so only us students are left to our own devices. which can be very entertaining.

thurs night i work with tabbitha, john, vish, angela, and josh. they are great. vish is very nice. tabbitha is nice too. she is easy to talk to. i dont really know john much, but he is ok. angela is so funny. she is great to be around. josh is nice, though im not quite sure about him. the thing is, he has never been anything but positively delightful to me. he always speaks to me and tries to talk to me and stuff. he is very nice to me. but for some reason he makes me a little.....maybe nervous....aware maybe. i have no idea what really. like i said, he had never been anything but absolutely fantastic. its probably just cuz i dont know him much yet.

so i went to work and got into a way better mood just cuz i like being around these people. one time, i was standing there weighing lettuce and out of the corner of my eye i see angela standing there staring at me. so keep on working but she is just staring at me. so after a while im like "...?" and she just laughs and was like "dang it took you forvever. i have been staring at you for a long time. i wondered if you were gonna say something" and she laughed and walked off. it was just funny. and i felt like i had...friends? well, acquaintences at least. its something.

a little while later, i was standing at the counter working. and i was standing there crying. and josh comes out and he is all like "omg are you ok? whats wrong?" and im like "nothing im fine" and he is like "your crying," ya know being very concerned and all. and im like laughing and crying now and im like "dude simmer down. im fine. im chopping the onions, thats all." (chopping onions is not fun btw)

so we are supposed to wait til ten to close. but angela was feeling rather impatient that night. so about 20 minutes til, she had everyone go claim whatever pizza they wanted to take home. but she was still not technically supposed to close. but then, she "accidentally" knocked over a tray of pizza lol. and darn it all, if she wasnt just so clumsy that she "accidentally" knocked all the pizza onto the ground twenty minutes before close. haha so we got to start cleaning up early.

i had to help josh with dishes. i hate doing dishes. ugh. but luckily he was washing them all and i only had to get them out of the sanitizer tub and lay them all out. so it wasnt so bad really. again, me and josh kinda chit chatted. he was trying to be very nice. and... i dunno. im sure it will get better. i think im just in that awkward "i dont really know you" stage, which is my problem not his lol.

so anyways, i think my job is gonna be ok actually. it kinda stresses me out in the sense that i have less time for my hw, but i really like the people i work with. especially on thurs night. so i think its gonna be fine.

I cannot carry the weight of the heavy world, so goodnight, goodnight.

[Goodnight, Goodnight-Maroon 5]

i am tired. i did hw all night after classes. and i still have more to do. ugh. but im done for now. now its bed time. goodnight all.

If I never see your face again, I don't mind

[If I Never See Your Face Again-Maroon 5]

so today was pretty cool. me, bridgette, rebecca, brad, steven, tony, and tonys roomate... i cant remeber his name...chris maybe?....went to the first football game of the season against northern colorado. john was supposed to go but the people in the room above him had a party and he only got 6 hours of sleep. poor baby. anyways it was so great. there were so many people. and the cheerleaders were actually good. and the band was actually good.... the marching band actually marched. what a novel idea eh? im just impressed cuz mhs never did cool stuff like that. the marching band made pictures. they made the shape of a train and made it look like it was blowing smoke and the wheels were turning. and there was this really big drum. the worlds largest apparently. lol. we totally won. it was amazing. except for the fact my feet and nose got a little sunburned lol. but it was pretty darn great. there were so many people. and we cheered. we have a first down cheer they taught us at BGR. the first down cheer. it goes like this: "one two three four first down." except the student body kinda mixed it up a bit. we tacked the lovely word "bitch" to the end and chanted that loudly lol.

we won. which was pretty darn exciting. the whole thing was exciting cuz i have never been to a college game before. im used to MHS games. so im easily impressed anyways.

after the game, we all went back to our apartment. we watched some tv. then went to the office and rented some movies. we rented pan's labyrinth, saw 2, and the last kiss. then we went to dinner cuz we were super hungry. and we all had alot of meal passes left over so we actually went to 2 dinners lol. one at 5 and one at 7:30 lol.

ok so my mom knows this guy who also has a son who is a freshman in engineering here. mom wanted us to meet so maybe we could share rides or whatever. so his dad gave me this guys number. and i called him. and it was very awkward at first cuz his dad hadnt said i was supposed to call or anything. but we talked it out and i ended up inviting him to watch movies with us all later.

jon wanted to watch the last kiss. it was basically a movie about messed up relationships. it was fairly boring and it had alotta weird sex scenes. well, the guy i invited over, cody is his name, and his friend happened to walk in during a weird sex scene. which made it kinda awkward right off the bat. he and his friend watched the rest of the movie then practically bolted. i felt bad cuz i know that it was a bad first impression. i know they were bored. i know they think i am a lame loser. and im sure they were probably disappointed when they first saw me. im sure they had hoped for some girl other than a fat, ugly one with bad hair. so it was a bad first impression. after they left i texted him and tried to explain so he would think better of me. i dunno if it worked. i think that i will probably never hear from him again. which sucks, cuz i really hate when stuff like that happens. i guess i was hoping we could be friends or something. but probably not now. sigh.

The battle's almost won, and we're only several miles from the sun

[The Sun-Maroon 5]

the first football game is tomorrow. woohoo! its gonna be fun. fersure. i think im going in a group with some friends. well, mostly bridgettes friends, but hopefully my friend rebecca comes. then i feel like less of a loser cuz i contributed to the friend group instead of always mooching off bridgettes friend group. the game is at noon tomorrow. so i gotta get up at like 10. which ruins my sleeping in but whatev. so i gotta go now. gotta shower then get to bed so i can get up. woo football!

I'm coming home again

[Homecoming-Kanye West]

so its the weekend again. TGIF. this weekend im staying at college, not going home. i went home last weekend. and lemme tell you what. even though i had only been gone two weeks, i felt so different.

for one thing, i had become very closed off from the real world. here at college, i rarely leave campus. everything i need is right here. so i dont see outside things. like i didnt even know the price of gas until i rolled back into marion. i had no idea what the price of gas was. something that was so important before i left.

another thing, i liked doing things on my own terms. here in my little apartment on campus i do what i want when i want. nobody orders me when to do the dishes or when to make my bed. and when i went home, i had to do what the 'rents said again. had to make my bed and help with chores and stuff. after a little but, i actually kinda missed my little apartment and the independence it held.

i spent the weekend trying to retrain my mom in a way. and everybody else too. everybody spent the entire summer telling me how i had to be more independent and how i had to grow up. how i had to cut the apron strings. and all that. so here i am. im legally an adult now. im off at college. but everybody kept trying to dictate what i would and would not do in my life. well, sorry people, thats not gonna fly anymore. for instance, my stepsisters almost ex was gonna ask me to babysit the kids on his weekend. i dont really wanna get involved, but i would have considered it cuz i do not hate the man like everybody else expects i should. he was always very nice to me. and therefore i refuse to treat him badly just cuz they are getting a divorce. anyways, totally off topic. i might have babysat for him. it would have been my decision. well mom told bob that he was gonna ask and he looks at me and says "YOU WILL NEVER GO OVER THERE AND YOU WILL NEVER BABYSIT FOR HIM." well, thats not really up to him now is it? and then, i was saying to my mom and stepsister how he cant make my decisions for me. if i want to babysit for the man i will. and my stepsister looks at me and says "well, ill tell you: you will NOT babysit for him or associate with him in any way!" ok, that just made me really mad cuz a) she has no rught to make my decisions for me now that i am an independent adult and b) she never had the right to tell me who i can and cannot talk to. them telling me know only makes me wanna do what they tell me not to. then another day, mom said "you are not buying davids ticket." and i told her, "mom, i am an adult now. i make my own decisions. dont dictate. you can make suggestions, but thats it." and i kept telling her that every time she started to do that.

but at the same time, i kinda fell into my old routine and it felt like i never really left for college. just like a break or something. after a couple days of my old room, moms cooking, everyday chores, wal mart shopping, swimming, visiting the fam, and all the other stuff i used to do on a daily basis, it seriously felt like nothing had changed sometimes. but i kept reminding myself it had changed. which was kinda sad. but kinda not. i dunno. just one of those things in life i spose.

well, im out.

You make me feel something like summertime

[Summertime-Bon Jovi]

ok today was another good day i think. the whole weekend was pretty good actually. i came home this weekend. it was weird though....but thats another blog. tomorrow nights blog probably.

so yesterday i went swimming. got sunburned. cuz for some reason i never feel the need to put on sunscreen even though i am terrbily fair-skinned. and for some reason i also get burned. but that doesnt stop me from being dumb and getting burned again. yesterday was no different. so even though i was burned i wanted to go swimming agin today. so me and mom went to tracy's house to swim. but today i used sunscreen. go me. david got a splinter yesterday from the deck. and he is retarded and doesnt like needles so i had to help him out lol. cuz he is a ridiculous baby. you should have seen him. i got the needle out and he flipped out. haha it was so funny. the boy got a tattoo, which is nothing but getting stabbed with a needle many many times but he flipped out at one needle for a splinter. but i got it. and i felt like a hero lol.

and then we wanted to cook out but there was none of the essential cookout foods. so tracy said david had to go shopping. and mom said i should go with him. and i was kinda like "eh, nah, whatever" cuz im not just gonna go if im not wanted. but he was like "yeah! you are going with me!" which made me happy. cuz we got to hang out for a little while. and he is pretty cool and it made me happy that we got to hang out. ok, lemme explain. we have known each other for a very long time, probably 10 years. and for probably 9 of those ten years he barely even acknowledged my existence. but for the last year or so, he has been great and we have gotten along pretty well. and probably within the last....5 months maybe? we have been cool. like hes nice to me and talks to me and texts me sometimes and stuff. we kinda tease back and forth and that kinda thing. like maybe we are friends even. that makes me happy. even tracy commented "kayla and david seem to be getting along pretty well lately huh?". so anyways, we went shopping. and that retard complained all through the store about how i stabbed him with a needle lol.

then we ate. and swam. and i tried to sleep. but people kept like poking at me and stuff. so i couldnt really nap lol. and i spent some time with damon and dane. and their stupid stupid puppy chewed on my favorite flip flops. oh i was so mad. my 30 dollar croc flip flops! ugh. i coulda kicked it i was so mad. but now i get a new pair i guess.

well, im heading back tomorrow. early. gotta get up early so i can drive back in time for class. so i need to get to bed now i spose. peace out.