[Blower's Daughter-Damien Rice]
so there is this guy. and he confuses me. and i like him. its a mess. ya see, when he is nice to me i am happy. but when he is mean, or just plain ignores me, which the case most of the time, like saturday for instance, i get all sad and depressive and self-hating. ya know the whole "why cant i be prettier, why cant i have a boy, why cant i be skinnier?" sort of thing. not fun. i wish we could at least be friends, or friendly towards each other, or dang, it would be nice if we could just have a normal conversation once and a while. instead, as i do believe i have detailed in previous posts, we just stand around awkwardly, neither of us really saying anything to each other. the thing is, i dunno what to say cuz whenever i say something, its still awkward and so i find it just as easy to not talk. but i really wish i could talk to him, like everyone else does so easily. note to self, work on witty banter. i am an idiot. i should just act natural around him. but the thing is, my natural is awkward and uncool. so thats probably not a good idea. sigh. im wearing makeup to work on thurs. not that it will really help any. but i will do anything i can. ugh. things would be so much simpler if i was thin and gorgeous. and another thing. why dont i just pick myself out an equally unattractive, uncool dork with low standards? that would be much easier. but oh no. that would be too easy. instead, one day it dawns on me "hey, you like that ridiculously attractive, probably attached, guy that ignores you most of the time." and thats just how it happened too. i was standing at the register one night and he walks out to the dining room to clean and instead of doing whatever he went out there to do, he stands there and watches tv. and i stand there looking at him with a big goofy smile on my face. and when i realized what i was doing, all i could think was "well, piss. way to go me. brilliant plan." so yes. its a mess. im in for a lot of self loathing i do believe.
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