Just a comment on my previous blog....

i went back and reread my new years reolutions from last year... and they are almost exactly the same as what i wrote this year. clearly i didnt accomplish much, but i did

2. lose more weight (17 pounds to be exact)
4. make a new friend (megan, joel, anthony, little bitch)
14. try new things (i wont go into details...)
15. have fun (i had lots of fun :p)

new years resolutions

since its technically new years eve, and since ill be drnkkk the next night or two, i figure ill go ahead and write my new years resolutions. hopefully i can keep one or two of these... my plan is to make lots of resolutions, some of them rather simple, so i can look back and say "woo! i accomplished some!" so here i go.

1. lose some more poundage. i dont have a set limit, just some pounds.
2. go to the Co-rec at least once a week to accomplish resolution listed above
3. get my GPA back up to the 3.5 i need to keep my scholarship money
4. pass 205 with flying colors (or get at least a C)
5. make a new friend
6. join a club/some group other that work stuff
7. get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
8. call my gma more. it makes her happy
9. manage my money better
10. manage my time better
11. cross at least one more thing off my life list
12. keep my rom and apartment cleaner
13. study more
14. buy some cute clothes that make me look hott :)
15. finish a knitting project
16. keep in touch with meghan better
17. have fun!
18. get rid of some junk out of my room.
19. wake up to the fun song ;)

i might add more if i think of them, but for now thats the list.

Yo, what time is it? It's laundry day!

[Geek in the Pink-Jason Mraz]

(disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with laundry)

TOMORROW. IS. GONNA. BE. AWESOME.

i cant wait. i get to spend new years eve with my cripply love and my purdue friends. i am excited like whoa. and we are gonna get our drank onnnnn. there is some plans for sledding. and partying. and suff of that nature.

work tomorrow is gonna go by soooo slow. boo.

beefs fo life <3

Some favs

i found this new game thanks to stumble. its called tower blaster. its quite simple, but i cant. stop. playing. it.

also, im currently obsessed with this canadian band called the trews. they are good.

and i cant stop listening to "makin sunshine" by the trews and "wake the sun" by the matches. good music.

good riddance, daddy dearest.

my father called today. i woulnt have answered it, but i thought it was a text message from my cripply love, so i flipped my phone open, and then it was too late. drat. he said "kayla, we clearly have some differences we need to work out. id like us to sit down and talk." i said "bah. ok next week maybe." secretly, my brain was screaming "GO FALL IN A HOLE ASSBAGEL!" of course i did not say this.

i do not want to sit down with him. i do not wish to talk to him. i do not wish to work out said "differences." these differences stem from the fact that i yelled at my father, quite loudly and angrily, "FUCK YOU!" and hung up on him once upon a time when he threatened to take wilbur away from me because i did not put his name on my college ebill in a timely enough fashion. i think he is miffed because i did not apologize, and i basically stopped communicating with him altogether (though i am still driving wilbur, im quite happy to say) after that. the simple fact is, i am not sorry therefore i will not apologize. he can be angry all he pleases but it will not happen.

i will meet with him. and him alone. i will tell him in no uncertain terms to leave his bitch wife at home. and he will talk at me. and when i do not crumble and apologize and declare my undying love and gratitude towards him, he will get angry. and he will yell, and cuss me and start throwing ridiculous accusations at me. and then he will cry. i have dealt with my father enough to know this is exactly how it will go down. i am worried about this meeting occurring in a public place. it could be fairly embarrassing.

this time, however, i am different. as sad as it is to say, i do not give a flying fuck about him anymore. when i was quite young, i was a daddys girl. then he ruined that. for a while a hung on, wildly hoping that he would treat me like he was supposed to and love me as much as he apparently loves my crack-head sister. he never did. then i was nice to him simply because he was my father and he bought me things. he fucked that up too. he pushed me too far, and frankly these last couple months without him have been quite delightful and drama-free. i got away from him and i liked it. so now i wont go back.

i have a dad. his name is bob. i do not need my father anymore, well except to pay half my bills, but he is legally obligated to do that. he pushed me too far, and he has lost me. his loss. too bad, so sad. i just wanna get this damn meeting over so i can go on with my life, one that he will be fairly absent from.

Things that make me laugh during the wee hours of the morning.

When i cant sleep, i read MLIA. here are some that made me laugh especially hard.

Today, I was working at the bakery I work at. A couple picked out a cake and asked if I could write a birthday message. I said "Sure, no problem! What would you like it to say?" The couple answered back "Happy Birthday Douche Bag". As I stared in disbelief, the wife replied back "It's for my mother". MLIA

My brothers and I were playing Taboo, and the word was 'Spaghetti'. You couldn't say anything like meatballs or Italy, so I thought it'd be really hard. But then my brother said, "The opposite of the bagel" and my other brother yelled, "SPAGHETTI." I still don't get it. MLIA.

Today, while in Chemistry, we were working on creating a basic periodic table. One student asked the teacher what they should title their table. The teacher told us we can name it whatever we wanted. I named mine Steve. I got full credit. MLIA

We both want see it? grammatical fail.

I. AM. FULL. OF. BOREDOM.

why is home so effin boring? like really. i have never felt quite so discontented while at home before and i hate it. every day i wake up, and i have nothing to look forward to but going to work for hours at a job i hate, then coming home to sit on my ass in my house in a town where there is nothing going on. dont get me wrong, my friends are home and i loooove hanging out with them, but its just not the same. slowly, WL is becoming more home than here and i miss it. there, i do what i want when i want. there, i actually like my job... well i dont hate it quite so much. here, i have to cater to what my parents want, i have to do housework and chores on their schedule. they yell at me when i text too much, or stay up too late, or want to go out at an odd hour. i cant go out as much as id like because then they make me feel guilty by saying stuff like "dont you like to spend time with us anymore?" and i hate it. i feel like these extended stays at home are gonna be coming to an end shortly. and i have no idea how i will communicate this to my parents when the time comes.

phone call.

"so how have you been?"
"my days have been very kayla-less"
"*snort* pfft suuuure. youve missed me"
"*serious voice* no, really. i have missed you"

damn it. my poor heart.

is it thursday yet?

so there is a girl, and she has a bum leg, and i think she is pretty awesome :) i guess you could even say we are bfffffffffffffs (thats how you pronounce BFF's, of course) cuz "we are like this!"

dani, ily!

P.S.: ICANTWAITTILTHURSDAY!

I'd say they were pretty standard as far as pancakes go.

i went to the new ihop with josh for breakfast this morning. he is a really nice guy. i like hanging out with him, and i can see why i once was completely smitten with him. im glad we are still friends.

damn straight.

Deja vu

christmas was pretty good. i got 3 pairs of new shoes, a new jacket, a new pair of earrings, a new shirt, a belt, and my favorite gift, a little hookah. my parents are badass.

its weird. i was reading my christmas blog from last year, and everything was pretty much the exact same. we spent christmas with just the three of us, we had spaghetti for dinner again, and there was no christmas spirit. is this what christmas will be like from now on? lame, and semi-boring, family-less, and spaghetti filled? cuz i dont know how i feel about that. i wish christmas was as exciting as it used to be. i wish it hadnt lost that special joy, that i hadnt lost my childish excitement for the greatest holiday of the year.

i feel old.

tired.

i am tired of everybody being disappointed in me, or thinking there is something wrong with me. sometimes its just too much.

"Nope we are in this together :] "

left me so conflicted.

Hand Me Down-Matchbox Twenty

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you

Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to

Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth

They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say

They're gonna break your heart, yeah

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in

Try to make you love again

Try to make you like the way they feel

When they're under your skin

Never once did you think they would lie when they're holding you

You wonder why they haven't called

When they said they'd call you

You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by

You'll start to think you were born blind

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times

The straight to your heart times

When livin' ain't easy

You can stand up against me

And maybe rely on me

And cry on me, yeah

Some day they'll open up your world

Shake you down to the drawing board

Do their best to change you

They still can't erase you

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

Lay them down on me

Oh yeah

You're just one more hand me down

And all those nights don't give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down...on me

Grrr.

if i have to listen to one more of my friends tell me how concerned they are about me, i think i will strangle them with their own vocal cords. thank you for caring, but your concern is misplaced.

So much fail

Failed my orgo exam this morning. needed a 52% to pass the class. most likely did not get that. have my ChE205 exam tomorrow. will very likely fail that too. physics on friday=fail. oh well. fuck you, college. fuck you, chemical engineering. but for now, bedddd cuz i have to wake up early to study for a class i cant pass anyways. boo.

You've kept me waiting, go on and watch me as I fall

[Fall-Something Corporate]

I am fully aware of the fact that when i finally outlive my usefulness, i will be discarded like everyone else.

FML

i failed another exam. a whopping 39%. i want to fucking die. i am so fucking retarded.

I want to swim away but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.

[Into the Ocean-Blue October]

its dead week. i have a final in 6 days. a really important final. and i have not started studying.

i have basically given up.

im failing 3 classes right now. this is hard for me. i dont want to sound arrogant, but im me. i dont fail things. it just doesnt happen that way. thats just the way things have always been so this is hitting me really hard. i think about my grades and i feel so depressed. im so behind in everything that i dont know how to recover, or even if i can. i dont know if a good grade on my final will fix it. it all feels so hopeless and futile. i have no motivation to study, or do anything because i feel like such a failure. im going to fail, and then im going to lose all of my scholarship money and i cant afford this place and im going to have to drop out of college because i dont know how i can pay for it here. my GPA will be fucked. i just dont know what to do.

i keep telling myself i will start to study and i will get on top of stuff and magically learn 16 weeks of organic chem in 6 days. i know this is untrue.

all i really want to do is just run away from all this shit cuz i dont know how to handle it.

I'm taking it next semester and I know why

i calculated it out today. if i get a 51.2% on my orgo final i can still pass with the lowest D possible. fat chance. but thats what i need. i think ill probably fail and have to retake the class next year. my GPA is about to be shot to hell. thank you, orgo, physics, and ChE205.

sometimes i sit down and wonder how the hell i fell so far behind in everything and why i am failing everything. and then i remember.

oh yeah, because i am an epic fuck up and i make bad decisions.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

[Unwell-Matchbox 20]

its been a whole month since i blogged last. fail.

i feel like a lot of shit has gone down since last time i blogged. maybe it has. maybe not. but i feel different.

have you ever looked at yourself and your life and realized you are so many things you never ever wanted to become? and your life has taken some weird turn along the way and you are like "holy shit how did this happen?" sometimes i feel like thats approximately where i am.

sometimes i am ok with it, and sometimes i am not.