Just a comment on my previous blog....

i went back and reread my new years reolutions from last year... and they are almost exactly the same as what i wrote this year. clearly i didnt accomplish much, but i did

2. lose more weight (17 pounds to be exact)
4. make a new friend (megan, joel, anthony, little bitch)
14. try new things (i wont go into details...)
15. have fun (i had lots of fun :p)

new years resolutions

since its technically new years eve, and since ill be drnkkk the next night or two, i figure ill go ahead and write my new years resolutions. hopefully i can keep one or two of these... my plan is to make lots of resolutions, some of them rather simple, so i can look back and say "woo! i accomplished some!" so here i go.

1. lose some more poundage. i dont have a set limit, just some pounds.
2. go to the Co-rec at least once a week to accomplish resolution listed above
3. get my GPA back up to the 3.5 i need to keep my scholarship money
4. pass 205 with flying colors (or get at least a C)
5. make a new friend
6. join a club/some group other that work stuff
7. get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
8. call my gma more. it makes her happy
9. manage my money better
10. manage my time better
11. cross at least one more thing off my life list
12. keep my rom and apartment cleaner
13. study more
14. buy some cute clothes that make me look hott :)
15. finish a knitting project
16. keep in touch with meghan better
17. have fun!
18. get rid of some junk out of my room.
19. wake up to the fun song ;)

i might add more if i think of them, but for now thats the list.

Yo, what time is it? It's laundry day!

[Geek in the Pink-Jason Mraz]

(disclaimer: this post has nothing to do with laundry)

TOMORROW. IS. GONNA. BE. AWESOME.

i cant wait. i get to spend new years eve with my cripply love and my purdue friends. i am excited like whoa. and we are gonna get our drank onnnnn. there is some plans for sledding. and partying. and suff of that nature.

work tomorrow is gonna go by soooo slow. boo.

beefs fo life <3

Some favs

i found this new game thanks to stumble. its called tower blaster. its quite simple, but i cant. stop. playing. it.

also, im currently obsessed with this canadian band called the trews. they are good.

and i cant stop listening to "makin sunshine" by the trews and "wake the sun" by the matches. good music.

good riddance, daddy dearest.

my father called today. i woulnt have answered it, but i thought it was a text message from my cripply love, so i flipped my phone open, and then it was too late. drat. he said "kayla, we clearly have some differences we need to work out. id like us to sit down and talk." i said "bah. ok next week maybe." secretly, my brain was screaming "GO FALL IN A HOLE ASSBAGEL!" of course i did not say this.

i do not want to sit down with him. i do not wish to talk to him. i do not wish to work out said "differences." these differences stem from the fact that i yelled at my father, quite loudly and angrily, "FUCK YOU!" and hung up on him once upon a time when he threatened to take wilbur away from me because i did not put his name on my college ebill in a timely enough fashion. i think he is miffed because i did not apologize, and i basically stopped communicating with him altogether (though i am still driving wilbur, im quite happy to say) after that. the simple fact is, i am not sorry therefore i will not apologize. he can be angry all he pleases but it will not happen.

i will meet with him. and him alone. i will tell him in no uncertain terms to leave his bitch wife at home. and he will talk at me. and when i do not crumble and apologize and declare my undying love and gratitude towards him, he will get angry. and he will yell, and cuss me and start throwing ridiculous accusations at me. and then he will cry. i have dealt with my father enough to know this is exactly how it will go down. i am worried about this meeting occurring in a public place. it could be fairly embarrassing.

this time, however, i am different. as sad as it is to say, i do not give a flying fuck about him anymore. when i was quite young, i was a daddys girl. then he ruined that. for a while a hung on, wildly hoping that he would treat me like he was supposed to and love me as much as he apparently loves my crack-head sister. he never did. then i was nice to him simply because he was my father and he bought me things. he fucked that up too. he pushed me too far, and frankly these last couple months without him have been quite delightful and drama-free. i got away from him and i liked it. so now i wont go back.

i have a dad. his name is bob. i do not need my father anymore, well except to pay half my bills, but he is legally obligated to do that. he pushed me too far, and he has lost me. his loss. too bad, so sad. i just wanna get this damn meeting over so i can go on with my life, one that he will be fairly absent from.

Things that make me laugh during the wee hours of the morning.

When i cant sleep, i read MLIA. here are some that made me laugh especially hard.

Today, I was working at the bakery I work at. A couple picked out a cake and asked if I could write a birthday message. I said "Sure, no problem! What would you like it to say?" The couple answered back "Happy Birthday Douche Bag". As I stared in disbelief, the wife replied back "It's for my mother". MLIA

My brothers and I were playing Taboo, and the word was 'Spaghetti'. You couldn't say anything like meatballs or Italy, so I thought it'd be really hard. But then my brother said, "The opposite of the bagel" and my other brother yelled, "SPAGHETTI." I still don't get it. MLIA.

Today, while in Chemistry, we were working on creating a basic periodic table. One student asked the teacher what they should title their table. The teacher told us we can name it whatever we wanted. I named mine Steve. I got full credit. MLIA

We both want see it? grammatical fail.

I. AM. FULL. OF. BOREDOM.

why is home so effin boring? like really. i have never felt quite so discontented while at home before and i hate it. every day i wake up, and i have nothing to look forward to but going to work for hours at a job i hate, then coming home to sit on my ass in my house in a town where there is nothing going on. dont get me wrong, my friends are home and i loooove hanging out with them, but its just not the same. slowly, WL is becoming more home than here and i miss it. there, i do what i want when i want. there, i actually like my job... well i dont hate it quite so much. here, i have to cater to what my parents want, i have to do housework and chores on their schedule. they yell at me when i text too much, or stay up too late, or want to go out at an odd hour. i cant go out as much as id like because then they make me feel guilty by saying stuff like "dont you like to spend time with us anymore?" and i hate it. i feel like these extended stays at home are gonna be coming to an end shortly. and i have no idea how i will communicate this to my parents when the time comes.

phone call.

"so how have you been?"
"my days have been very kayla-less"
"*snort* pfft suuuure. youve missed me"
"*serious voice* no, really. i have missed you"

damn it. my poor heart.

is it thursday yet?

so there is a girl, and she has a bum leg, and i think she is pretty awesome :) i guess you could even say we are bfffffffffffffs (thats how you pronounce BFF's, of course) cuz "we are like this!"

dani, ily!

P.S.: ICANTWAITTILTHURSDAY!

I'd say they were pretty standard as far as pancakes go.

i went to the new ihop with josh for breakfast this morning. he is a really nice guy. i like hanging out with him, and i can see why i once was completely smitten with him. im glad we are still friends.

damn straight.

Deja vu

christmas was pretty good. i got 3 pairs of new shoes, a new jacket, a new pair of earrings, a new shirt, a belt, and my favorite gift, a little hookah. my parents are badass.

its weird. i was reading my christmas blog from last year, and everything was pretty much the exact same. we spent christmas with just the three of us, we had spaghetti for dinner again, and there was no christmas spirit. is this what christmas will be like from now on? lame, and semi-boring, family-less, and spaghetti filled? cuz i dont know how i feel about that. i wish christmas was as exciting as it used to be. i wish it hadnt lost that special joy, that i hadnt lost my childish excitement for the greatest holiday of the year.

i feel old.

tired.

i am tired of everybody being disappointed in me, or thinking there is something wrong with me. sometimes its just too much.

"Nope we are in this together :] "

left me so conflicted.

Hand Me Down-Matchbox Twenty

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue

Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you

Gonna make you break out of your shell cause they tell you to

Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth

They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say

They're gonna break your heart, yeah

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

Somebody oughta take you in

Try to make you love again

Try to make you like the way they feel

When they're under your skin

Never once did you think they would lie when they're holding you

You wonder why they haven't called

When they said they'd call you

You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by

You'll start to think you were born blind

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times

The straight to your heart times

When livin' ain't easy

You can stand up against me

And maybe rely on me

And cry on me, yeah

Some day they'll open up your world

Shake you down to the drawing board

Do their best to change you

They still can't erase you

[Chorus]

From what I've seen

You're just one more hand me down

Cause no one's tried to give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down

I am with you now

Lay them down on me

Oh yeah

You're just one more hand me down

And all those nights don't give you what you need

So lay all your troubles down...on me

Grrr.

if i have to listen to one more of my friends tell me how concerned they are about me, i think i will strangle them with their own vocal cords. thank you for caring, but your concern is misplaced.

So much fail

Failed my orgo exam this morning. needed a 52% to pass the class. most likely did not get that. have my ChE205 exam tomorrow. will very likely fail that too. physics on friday=fail. oh well. fuck you, college. fuck you, chemical engineering. but for now, bedddd cuz i have to wake up early to study for a class i cant pass anyways. boo.

You've kept me waiting, go on and watch me as I fall

[Fall-Something Corporate]

I am fully aware of the fact that when i finally outlive my usefulness, i will be discarded like everyone else.

FML

i failed another exam. a whopping 39%. i want to fucking die. i am so fucking retarded.

I want to swim away but don't know how. Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean.

[Into the Ocean-Blue October]

its dead week. i have a final in 6 days. a really important final. and i have not started studying.

i have basically given up.

im failing 3 classes right now. this is hard for me. i dont want to sound arrogant, but im me. i dont fail things. it just doesnt happen that way. thats just the way things have always been so this is hitting me really hard. i think about my grades and i feel so depressed. im so behind in everything that i dont know how to recover, or even if i can. i dont know if a good grade on my final will fix it. it all feels so hopeless and futile. i have no motivation to study, or do anything because i feel like such a failure. im going to fail, and then im going to lose all of my scholarship money and i cant afford this place and im going to have to drop out of college because i dont know how i can pay for it here. my GPA will be fucked. i just dont know what to do.

i keep telling myself i will start to study and i will get on top of stuff and magically learn 16 weeks of organic chem in 6 days. i know this is untrue.

all i really want to do is just run away from all this shit cuz i dont know how to handle it.

I'm taking it next semester and I know why

i calculated it out today. if i get a 51.2% on my orgo final i can still pass with the lowest D possible. fat chance. but thats what i need. i think ill probably fail and have to retake the class next year. my GPA is about to be shot to hell. thank you, orgo, physics, and ChE205.

sometimes i sit down and wonder how the hell i fell so far behind in everything and why i am failing everything. and then i remember.

oh yeah, because i am an epic fuck up and i make bad decisions.

I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

[Unwell-Matchbox 20]

its been a whole month since i blogged last. fail.

i feel like a lot of shit has gone down since last time i blogged. maybe it has. maybe not. but i feel different.

have you ever looked at yourself and your life and realized you are so many things you never ever wanted to become? and your life has taken some weird turn along the way and you are like "holy shit how did this happen?" sometimes i feel like thats approximately where i am.

sometimes i am ok with it, and sometimes i am not.

May the mass x acceleration be with me :]

i have a physics exam tomorrow night. i should be studying. or resting up.

instead, i am up blogging.

oh well.

the thing is, i have pretty much already resigned myself to failure. i got a 25% on my first exam. how do you recover from that? i studied for 8 hours yesterday, 3 of which were with a physics PhD student tutor. i attempted practice exams and hw problems.

i am still as lost as if i hadnt done a single thing.

if i have to retake it (probably) i will get a tutor. i will work harder and memorize more.

i doubt i will ever grasp the strange concepts of physics, however. oh well.

More nerd humor for ya

we learned about the Bernulli equation in my chemical engineering calculations class. when dealing with with pipes/hoses/other ways of transporting fluids, the Bernulli equation says that the longer the pipe, the faster the velocity of the fluid traveling through it. After learning this, one guy in my class says "Oh, so thats why i pee so much faster!" bahahah

Some lovely French secrets for y'all

"I've loved you from the first day. I think I will love you forever."

"I don't know what to do with these feelings."

Padatwo

i closed on my own at work for the first time! i was in charge and nothing terrible happened! we got out a little late, but i blame it on the fact that we were short staffed during the day and didnt get everything done during the day. plus, we were short one closer. all in all i think i did ok :D

Life after Katie

I had a friend here, Her name was Katie. We called her Poo. I dunno why. But she was Poo. and i loved her. she lived in our builing last year and she lived next door this year. and she was one of my best friends here. and wed morning i came home during my one hour break. i never come home during this hour because i always spend it in the physics help room doing the hw that is due wed night. but this particular wed i did not have physics hw due, so i didnt have to be in the help room. i still wasnt planning on going home, but my friend joel told me to run home and get my jump drive so he could transfer some stuff to me. so i run home for the first time ever on this break and i run into to Poo. she came over and gave some stuff back that we had forgotten in her room. then i get ready to leave for class again, and she stops me as im walking out the door. she says "kayla, im leaving." my first response is "what about thursday and friday class?" and she says "no, i mean im leaving" and me, being dense, says "i see that, but you are gonna miss class!" and she says "no, i mean i withdrew from college this morning. im going home" and i thought she was kidding. but she was not. she told me she hated it here, and she didnt have any friends, and she wanted to go home. and i started to cry. i stood there is the hallway crying. and she looks at me and says "well, you need to go to class." and she turned around and walked away.

she promised she would come visit all the time. she has not come to visit once. she has not called once. she has not texted once. we have traded a few words on facebook, but that is all. i have missed her a few times, like when i go into the room next door and see the empty alcove. when my roommate leaves town for the weekend and i feel alone because Poo is not here with me. right now, as i type this, i miss her a little bit. but the strange thing is, i dont miss her like i should. she was supposed to be one of my closest friends here, and now that she is gone, i dont really feel any different. this was a lesson in how friends come and go through life. Poo left, and already we both moved on. I found new friends that i hang out with in her place, and she went back home to her old friends. Maybe ill see her again one day. Maybe she'll make good on her promise to come visit. I dont know. Maybe i dont really care.

Been thuggin' all my life, can't say I don't deserve to take a break :]

[Live Your Life-T.I.]

There is a girl who lives in my building. Her name is Sarah. every day, sarah goes to class. she comes home. she studies. she goes to dinner by herself. she studies more. she attends a few callouts and club meetings and every major sporting event. she does not socialize with her roommate, nor does she socialize with anyone else in her building. she says more words in her facebook status than she says to real human beings on any given day. sarah does not cheer at the games she attends. she does talk to people in her clubs. she does not do any activity that seems purely social or frivolous. sarah is lame. sarah is alive, but she does not really live.



this is college. these are the last four or five (or in my brothers case, ten) years of freedom before REAL LIFE sets in. why not take advantage of that? if you do not live it up now, when do you start to? when you graduate? no. when youre older? no. the answer is NOW.



i feel as though im going through this realization. before, i was this fairly straightlaced, walk the line sorta girl. i didnt do bad things, i did the responsible, good thing. and i still do, to a certain extent. but i just feel like i should do what i want now, because i wont always have the chance. i wanna really live, so i can look back in sixty years and at least say "yeah, i did that." i feel like college is really the time to get all this done. if you wanna go out, do it. if you wanna drink and party, do it (keep in mind i am not advising everyone go out and become an alcoholic/drug addict. dont do it.) stay up late, go out all night, eat Hot Box pizza at 3 am, drink yourself silly, smoke a joint, party your pants off, make out with that random guy, hookah til your lungs hurt, go skydiving, roadtrip to alaska. Do what you want. i want to feel like i lived a full life, and that means im gonna do crazy stuff if i want to. i want to get my education, but i also want to have fun. and by all means, i will. i dont want to be like sarah, because there is so much more to life than her tiny little lame box of predictability.



therefore, live life to the fullest, carpe diem, and all that other cliche crap. or in the words of Rihanna "So live ya life, ay ay ayy, Just live ya life, oh!"

Strike up the band, oh, the conductor is beckoning.

[I Constantly Thank God for Esteban-Panic at the Disco]

i got my new official name tag at work yesterday. it says "Kayla, student supervisor in-training" and i felt special. but as soon as i put it on and i was left alone, terrible stuff started to go down. its not like ive never been left in charge before. i have, and i have done just fine. its like i put on the dumb nametag and stuff started to go wrong. brummett burned just about everything he put in the oven. he didnt break down pizza right. he didnt stock sicilians right. none of that is terrible, but it just makes it look like i cant keep things going correctly on my own. melissa flipped out and started yelling cuz she popped the steam ovens door off while cleaning it. and then, to top it all off, brummett walks over and says "how do you clean up pizza sauce?" and im like "wow, how stupid is this kid? uhh with a rag.." and he says "nooo.. i think you should come see this." he had spilled an entire container of pizza sauce across the floor. this is not some tiny little can of sauce im speaking of. this is a big multiple-gallon bucket full. and i am just like "W.T.F.?" he makes me so mad, mostly just because he is effing STUPID. his brain must look like swiss cheese from all the drugs he does, and i honestly dont know how he remembers to breathe on his own. all in all, they werent terrible tragedies. i managed to fix them all fairly well. its just the fact that things could be so.. overwhelming and people can be so...stupid. and when my boss got back she goes "kayla, you look slightly... frazzled." and i was just like "gah, you have no idea."

It's not fair when you say that I didn't try

[Let It Die-Three Days Grace]

how do you know when someone doesnt want to be your friend anymore? barring any major circumstances (a fight, etc) its not as if you often get a memo stating "sorry, we arent friends anymore". people dont often walk up and say "sorry but our friendship is over" its not something people just announce to you, though that would make things alot easier. its more like a planned set a steps and hints that lead to the ultimate goal: a discontinuation of a friendship. there are signs. unanswered calls and texts. the invites stop. and the big one, you come up with excuses not to hang out with the other person. if you can stop hanging out together, you can slowly distance yourself and then it wont be so hurtful when the other person realizes you arent friends any longer. instead you can look back and say "we drifted apart" rather than "he/she just didnt want to be my friend any more" i know. i have done this to people before. but it sucks when you start to realize you are on the receiving end of this severing of ties.

is there an exact number of times that you shoud get rejected before you just give up? can you say to yourself "well this person has turned me down to hang out X number of times, therefore i should just stop trying"? what if they are sending you mixed signals? what if they turn you down to hang out, but they still send you randoms texts just to talk, just to joke around like you used to? or is this all just wishful thinking? how much of a fight do you put up to stop the inevitable attrition of a friendship? i suppose it depends on how much its worth fighting for.

"Shutties!"

i went to see Jennifer's Body with my friends last night. I didnt have very high hopes for the movie, but it was actually very... entertaining. i cant decide if it was terribly wonderful or just terrible (but in a wonderful way lol). the dialogue was HILARIOUS. it was written by Diablo Cody, who is, if you dont know, the same person who wrote Juno. and the lines were very Juno-esque. Here are some of my favorite lines:

Jennifer, after getting stabbed: "Do you have a tampon?"
Needy: "No?"
Jennifer: "Oh, cuz you look like you're pluggin!"

Jennfier: "you're just jello"
Chip: "I'm not jealous."
Jennifer: "Yes you are. You're a big green bowl of lime jello!"

and many, many more. also, it contains one of the most EPIC pre-death lines EVER. but i wont tell it. i feel like it must be seen and enjoyed in real life.

but it wasnt just full of entirely ridiculous dialogue. the movie also had a few legitimately creepy scenes in it. there is one scene near the beginning when Jennifer, after getting into a "down-to-the-river-in-a-van van (as rebecca would so delicately put it) with some creepers, shows up at her BFFs house in the middle of the night, dirty, clothes torn, dripping blood. she stands in the middle of the kitchen, silent and completely unmoving. her eyes look lifeless. the only sound is the blood dripping off her and hitting the kitchen floor. and then she smiles, teeth coated in blood. she smiles this terrible, creepy, gives-you-chills smile and it was terrifying.

all in all, it was a decent movie. i laughed alot at the lines, which were intentionally silly im pretty sure, but i also felt a twee bit scared a few times too.

Cell Phone Service Win

Another physics funny, though i feel like this one is a little more esoteric.

So we were talking about electrical shielding and such, and the prof asked a volunteer to get in the Faraday Cage with a radio. The radio didnt work, which proved his point about the structure of the Faraday Cage and how it works. The prof then asks the guy if he has a cell phone and if he could please take it out. He then says "So, do you have any service?" and the guy says, "Yeah. One bar" hehe


i am a nerd :p

Benjamin Franklin's little known invention

i was sitting in physics and my professor was babbling about electricity and grounding charges and stuff. and he says "benjamin franklin understood this stuff. what did he invent using this concept?" and the boy behind me yells out "THUNDER!"

sigh.

"I moved up ONE floor. I promise I'll still be around"

so far, this has been a lie

I feel ya, Asher Roth. I heart college too.

soooooooooooooooo i havent posted since i have been back at school. so ill sum it up real fast. i love it. classes are very hard this semester. ChE 205, math, and physics make me wanna die. but i will deal. im back at work. i have missed all my friends majorly and im glad to be back with them. my new apartment is jank as hell but we are dealing. and im actually being social and making new friends. all in all, I LOVE COLLEGE. and LOVE PURDUE.

Sorry, Blog!

i neglect my blog way too much.

Artsy Fartsy

today, i tried to be artsy. carrie and i went to the park and i was trying to be all photographery. and... im not that artsy. carrie is all "look for interesting things. patterns and lines and things that draw the eye back." and jen is texting "rule of thirds! you can make any picture look good if you follow the rule of thirds!" and im going ".....cant i just point and shoot??" and thats what i did. whatev. me and art dont get along. give me something i can calculate or measure any day, none of this "rules of composition" crap. despite that, here are some of the ones i took today. in case you wanted to see.

I mean staring like a creeper cause you got a peeper.

[Make Her Say-Kid Cudi]

speaking of my last day at work... there was this boy there. his name is shane. he was THE BIGGEST CREEPER in the history of creepers. he is so socially awkward and he hits on every girl that works at marsh. he says perverted things and thinks it hilarious. its not, its just uncomfortable. well, on my last day, he asked me for a hug. a hug. like i would actually touch his nasty self. not a chance dude. and he asked me in front of people! gasp! people made fun of me. stupid boy. i did, however, almost feel a little bad when i blurted out "ID RATHER CUT OFF MY ARMS THAN HUG YOU!" he seemed a little saddened by that. oh well, his fault for being a creeper. i mean, only minutes before he had joked about stalking me. one of the other guys (cool not creeper guys), Russ, asked what kinda car i drove. shane promptly informed him, which is weird. how does shane know what i drive? anyways, Russ said, "oh, i think i saw you the other day." and then shane says "I saw you too, until they took away my binoculars!" really? who says that? its awkward and weird. and then asks for a hug. not a chance boy!

Job Separation Anxiety

sooooo, where to begin. i just havent felt like posting lately. trust me, ive had a lot on my mind, but i just havent blogged it. lets see, im not working at marsh any longer. last friday was my last day til my next time home, a break or something. i hate hate hated that job. but i miss it. the minute i clocked out for the last time, i felt sad. i have a case of job separation anxiety. i hated the job, but i loved (most) of the people there. and i wont get the nice pay check. i still stop in when i need things, just so i can see the people i worked with. and i seriously contemplated returning to my other job. i could have transferred marshes. oh well, ill be back to work on vacations and stuff.

P-P-POST OVERRRRLOAD

i havent posted in forever. like whoa. be prepared for post-overload. i have alot to catch up on.

huff. its not cool to take advantage of cashiers.

Babies Love Mopeds!

so i have determined i possibly have the most ignorant neighbor ever. she has a 9 month old baby. and today, she put her baby in a car seat she had bungee corded to the back of her moped, with no helmet on i might add. and drove from her house to the north end of town to work. is it just me, or does this seem like a very bad idea? i honestly believe that my neighbor, and people who are equally as dumb, should have their ovaries forcibly removed because they are too dumb to deserve children. also, i have concluded that stupid people reproduce approximately three to four times faster than people of average or above average intelligence. i estimate that in a few years, the world will be run by brain-damaged morons, because their parents decided to ride them around bungee corded to the back of a moped without a helmet.

Epic Math Fail

my mom is a math wizard.. today, bob said "the motocycle was made in 1991. how old is that?" and my mom thinks it over and triumphantly says ".....Nine years old!!"

But maybe someday I'll be something more than love

[Voices-Saosin]

i didnt like the english post secrets this week, so i chose a french secret. i think its lovely. and it means "He is inaccessible," which i understand all too well. sigh lol.

im annoyed. the other day, i got a magazine in the mail. "Model Railroading" and i was like "wtf?" and threw it away. i figured it was just some kinda promo thing. a few days later, i got the bill. and i was like "WTF?" so i called. someone had taken the card out of a magazine, filled it out, and sent it in with my name on it. as a joke. i knew who it was of course, so i called her. and asked about it. a little meanly. and she was like "it was just a joke! jeeze." ok, it might be a little funny. if it was just one. but she told me i can expect about 8 different magazines and bills total that ill have to sort out. one or two is a joke. 8 is retarded. and im really annoyed by it. i dont want to be ridiculous and have no sense of humor about it. i really dont want to do that. but its annoying cuz im the one who is getting the bills. im the one who has to call and explain that i didnt order them.

I could have lost myself in rough blue waters in your eyes

[Winter-Joshua Radin]

so anyways, i ended up staying. i was gonna go right to sleep, but i went and sat by the fire with the three of them. we all talked for a little while, then his brother and his brothers gf went to bed. so it was just me and him, sittin by the fire. i considered going inside to go to bed too, cuz i thought it would be awkward for us to just sit out there. but it was really nice. it was quiet, just us. really nice. we just talked. about home, and our parents, and high school, and people we knew, and a whole bunch of stuff. i know it didnt mean anything to him, nothing but two people talking. just like i know that i dont really mean anything to him. we're just friends. and that breaks my heart, but i was happy. and im so glad i stayed. the next day i woke up and took a shower. i decided to leave early so i didnt overstay my welcome. and i thanked him and said goodbye. he smiled and said to let him know next time i was in lafayette. and then i drove away, ending the most perfect weekend ever.

I never thought I'd be on a boat. It's a big blue watery road :)

[I'm On a Boat-The Lonely Island]

the next day, we all went out on the boat. we all tried skiing... i failed at it miserably. i think everyone else made it up at least once, but i never did. for some reason i just couldnt get the hang of it. but it was alotta fun to watch everyone try and fall and all that. after lunch, we went back out on the boat and went tubing. it was sooooo much fun! the first time i went with my friend tabatha, but she was kinda afraid of it so we stopped. then rachel went, after making the statement "well, ive never been thrown off the tube before" so of course it was now a challenge for josh. he threw her, twice. the next time i went, i went with jayne. at first it was a really nice ride.. then after a while he tried to throw us. but we wouldnt be thrown. so he tried harder. me and jayne were convinced we were gonna die. but we held on. once, he made a turn and i was on the outside.. i went flying around the turn so fast it was all i could do to hold on. finally we made him stop cuz we were tired and sore and numb. but it was so much fun. and the last time i went, i road double with erica on the lay down tube. it was fun. we had a great system going. when he would turn, we shifted one way or the other to keep balance. but then, we made a big wave and turned, then hit the wave so fast the tube flipped. me and erica just looked at each other and said "oh crap." we flew off the tube. it was so much fun. we went back and had dinner. we cleaned up a little, then went outside and started a fire. we made smores. and lit some fireworks. his brother and his brothers girlfriend showed up too cuz they were staying a couple days. then everyone else had to leave cuz they had to work early in the morning. i was flipping out cuz i didnt know if i should leave or not. i figured i should go or it might be awkward. but i didnt want to at all. i was so conflicted. so i said to him "i can leave now too, if you want. doesnt matter to me." and he said "no you dont have to. if you leave now, im just gonna be the awkward third wheel." so i stayed :)

more later...

I love being around you. You make it easy...

[1234-Plain White T's]

i just got back from josh's lake house. i went up there thursday night and got back today. it was sooooooooo much fun. i got there a little after 7 on thursday. i thought everyone else was supposed to get there sometime between 8 and 9 that night, so i went a little early so we could hang out, but not too early that it was awkward. well that didnt work very well. i got there a little after 7, and he said they were supposed to get there around 9 ish... so i was a little early. and then they texted and said they were late and just leaving at 9. great. its a 3 hour trip. so we thought they would be there around 11. so now me and him had an awkward 3 hours to kill. then, tabatha got sick on the way up so the car had to stop like 3 or 4 times, which slowed them down. at 10:30, they texted and said they were still and hour out. ok so, now they wouldnt be arriving til 11:30. then, around midnight, they called and said they were lost. so me and him had to hop in the car and go find them. but between 7 and 12, it wasnt too bad. we sat around and talked for a while. then we went out on the boat. and we watched pineapple express. and then we made a fire and chilled. i guess i cant really say i minded their delay too much.



more later..

There's nothing ever wrong, but nothing's ever right. Such a cruel contradiction. I know I cross the line.

[Burning Bright-Shinedown]

i am so pissed. i might get written up at work. a woman had a coupon that said "spend 50 get 10 dollars off at marsh" and i had never seen one before. so i took it to the office worker, and asked if i could use it, cuz i had never seen one before. the office woman looks it over, and says "sure, if it rings up, go ahead and use it." so i use it and go on with my shift. after my shift is over i went up to the office to ask for a day off, and the office woman goes "read this coupon!" and i looked at it, but didnt know what i was reading. she points to the bottom, and in very small fine print it says that the coupon can only be used in a store in indy. she then informs me that my drawer is now ten dollars off and i will probably be written up for it. and yes, it is my fault for not reading the coupon. i take responsibility for that and have learned my lesson. but it got passed her too. she told me how bad she felt cuz she told me to go ahead with it blah blah, but she can feel bad all she wants. shes not the one getting written up for it now is she?

I got that boom boom pow, how the beat bang boom boom pow.

[Boom Boom Pow-Black Eyed Peas]

the gas city fireworks were awesome. way better than marions. i went with ann and derek, and we sat with dereks parents. the fireworks were way better, and we had really good seat. and me and ann are terrible haha. there were retarded people in front of us, and we pretty much made fun of them the entire time. we laughed so hard that people started to give us funny looks. hahaha.

Someone let you down again, so you turn to me, your convenient friend.

[Pieces-Rascal Flatts]

i find it weird that my friends ask me for relationship advice. i have absolutely zero experience in that department. yet i have felt like a regular Dr Phil lately. a week or two ago, one of my best friends called me crying cuz she thought she was gonna break up with her boyfriend. i listened to her cry on the phone for 45 minutes as she told me everything that had been going on between them. and when she said "whats should i do?" i gave her the best advice i could, seeing as i have no idea how to actually deal with that sort of thing. and last night, one of my other good friends started texting me about the problems she and her boyfriend were having. again, i had no idea what to say or do.. how would i know anything about that stuff? i have no idea.

Make me want to spread my wings and fly. You'll be my vacation away from this place.

[Chariot-Gavin Degraw]

i had a really good day today. i hung out with my friends pretty much all day. lunch with ann. then shopping in kokomo with ann and derek. we spent hours "stufftouching" and seeing if things "passed the nose test" ahaha. and i got a new purple power rangers shirt. and then starbucks with dani, jo, emo, carrie, ann, and derek. it was fun.

Why would you speak to me that way? Especially when I always said that I haven't got the words for you.

[Oxford Comma-Vampire Weekend]

so tonight the manager sent everyone home early... except me and creeper bagboy. and it was just me and him. earlier in the night he made the most terrible comment, in front of evan no less. he said "i have been telling my uncle about you. and he thinks we should go out!" and i nearly died inside. and evan laughed at me the rest of his shift.

We are the shaken. We are the monsters underneath your bed.

[Monsters-Matchbox Romance]

today, a grumpy woman came through my line at work. and she kept yelling at me.... and when i looked up at her, i realized she was missing an eyeball.... her empty eye socket was staring back at me. it was sooooo gross. ewwwwwwwww.

Clip the wings that get you high, just leave them where they lie, and tell yourself, "you'll be the death of me."

[Remedy-Seether]

work. was. not. fun. today. i had to get up at 8 am this morning after very little sleep, feeling rather tired and throw-uppy, so i could drive home from WL to be at work at 11 am. and it was so busy at work. there were so many church people. and so many old people. ughhhhhh. and i worked with this girl named amber. and she annoyed the piss out of me. she is soooo lazy. so i had to pick up her extra work cuz she just didnt deem it necessary to work today apparently. ugh. not to mention everybody made fun of me about creeper boys interest in me.

I like to dance all night, summons the day. That's how I play.

[Manhattan-Kings of Leon]

i went back to WLafa yesterday to celebrate my friend Jayne's birthday. it was a lot of fun. we went to the park. and to the zoo. and went to work to see people. and to the store. and went into the woods. and had our friends over for smores. its was a really good time.

I think you need a shotgun blast, a kick in the ass, so paranoid, watch your back!

[Sound of Madness-Shinedown]

so i got my first complaint today at work lol. some toothless, illiterate welfare bastard complained cuz he was too dumb to read my "Closed. Next lane please" sign. and i said "sorry sir, im closed." and he pitched a bitch fit and called my manager over and complained. he told my manager i said "im not ringing up your items cuz i have better things to do" right... and my manager was just like "uh huh. sure she said that. bad kayla." and he huffed away and she goes "gee, what an asshole" and laughed and walked off. and it just upset me anyways cuz its not my fault he was dumb. there were just alotta jerks out that day. and i was upset cuz i was having a fairly decent day at work and Mr. I-Cant-Read-So-Im-Gonna-Yell-At-Everyone ruined it. this one guy, Michael, was working. I like Michael. He is really nice and he is good to work with. and we were joking around and stuff.

What could you possibly want from me, can't you see I'm already gone?

[Already Gone-Crossfade]

work was suckish tonight. mostly cuz i was already having a baddish day. and there were people.. and they kept trying to talk to me... and i just wanted to be left alone.

I notice your eyes are always glued to me, keeping them here and it makes no sense at all

[Crushcrushcrush-Paramore]

work really wasnt bad today...except for creeper. but other than that it had fun moments... except when creeper-boy was making crude remarks in my direction. bleh. he hovered over me for pretty much his entire shift, even though i was a jerk to him. i dont like him. and i have never ever given him the slightest reason to be interested. i have never encouraged this behavior. ugh.

so ive been slacking. here is last weeks post secret.

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't want to go home right now <3

[Iris-Goo Goo Dolls]

soooooooooooooo. heres the deal. if youll take a looksee back a few posts ago, i believe i mentioned that he was coming home for a few days. and then i made the statement "maybe ill get to see him but i wont get my hopes up" or something like that. welllllllllllllll. he came home. and he texted me. and asked me to hang out with him! true story. and today, we hung out. and it. was. awesome. actually, to everybody else, this story will be boring because i am about to recount, in excruciating detail, the chill hang-outage that occurred today that was really no big deal, but to me, was a huge deal. so here it goes. we went to Gus's for ice cream. at 4:30. and i got very mad at him because he was late. and he texted me and promised he was on his way and would be there very soon. i was quite peeved because he was like 15 minutes late. but then he told me he kinda bumped into the back of a womans car and had to get that all straightened out so then i was way less mad. so we got our ice cream and it was all raining and stuff outside. and there are only outside benches to sit on there. and he was like "well its not raining that bad. we can sit out here." like he honestly believed i was about to sit out in the rain. ha. i was like "hmm. its raining. so if you like to eat ice cream in the rain, by all means sit out here. i however am gonna sit in my car. you can join me if youd like." so maybe i just wanted to get cozy in the car with him... thats not a crime. anyways, we ended up just sitting in my car, eating our ice cream and talking. we talked about everything, my job, the creeper bag boy at work, his new job offer, his roommates obnoxious girlfriend, life in marion, his lakehouse, and all that business. it was really cool, just sitting there talking to him. i liked hanging out with him. then, sadly, i had to go to work. i said we should hang out again if he wanted to. i was trying to be all cool about it, like "so.. if you wanted to, ya know hang out again or something, just text me. ill be around. whatev" or something like that. and i flailed my arm onto the roof of my car... right into a big puddle on the roof of my car and splashed myself with water. he laughed at me. meanie. so maybe he will text me again. he leaves thurday sometime. who know? but even if he doesnt, today was good enough for me <3

These colors that you're shining are surely not the best

[Colors-Crossfade]

i realized yesterday i have a weird obsession with nail polish. its true. i have an entire shoe box of nail polish, yet i cant resist buying more. i bought two new bottles today. but in my defense, they were on sale. and i dont have those colors.

my ear is being gayyyyyy. i wish it was healeddddddddddd.

I'm a slave to my anger. Evrything holds me down, so I won't try anymore.

[Everything's Wrong-Crossfade]

i had the customers from hell tonight. luckily, i had some help from the stock crew. the customers wouldnt leave, even though the store had been closed for 5 minutes and i kept making announcements for them to leave. finally one of the stock guys announced "the store is closed. YOU HAVE TO LEAVE!" and i laughed. oh, and then i got cussed out by those angry, toothless customers, but again, the two stock guys had my back and made sure they left without getting too outta hand.

I got my industrial bar put in. woot :) cute huh?

Sims 3=best. game. ever. end of story.

<3 <3 <3

guess who is really happy right now.. me!! and guess why... he texted me! he texted me for no other apparent reason than just to talk to me :) and we texted for more than two hours again :) and he will be home soon for a couple days! maybe ill get to see him :) but i wont get my hopes up too much. <3

We're damned at the end. We're damned at the start.

[Hey Now-Augustana]

i hung out with corey again tonight. we made chinese food out of a box lol. it wasnt too bad, but im not a very good cook. bob once again implied perhaps i was being a relationship-ruiner. not true. i have absolutely no intention of that whatsoever. i think corey is a very cool guy to hang out with. but thats it.

i wish people who come through my line at work that i just dont care about what they have to say. i dont want to make conversation with them. i just want them to get their groceries and go. oh, and i want them to shower before they come into my line so i dont have to hold my breath the entire sale so i dont die from their terrible stench.

And I don't know what I'm supposed to do, but if she feels bad then I do too

[Her Diamonds-Rob Thomas]

i need to go visit my besty. i miss her. her life is pretty screwed up right now, and i wish i could be with her to help her out. of course, most of her problems are her own fault.

her other best friend is completely crazy and tried to kill herself. and called meg to say goodbye. meghan had to notify the cops who went over to the girls house to save her. then, get this, the girls mom called meg and yelled at her for calling the cops. meghan has to pick up all this girls hours at work while the girl is .getting her stomach pumped and spending a while in the psych ward.

and megs 30 year-old, crack-head boyfriend relapsed again. he is going away for the next 90 days. to rehab. and now she is alone. her family doesnt want anything to do with her either, because she is dating someone they dont approve of.

i wish i could be there for her.

It's the end of the world as we know it

[It's the End of the World as We Know It-R.E.M.]

today, i saw something i never really believed would happen. GM, the auto industry titan, fell. today, GM filed bankruptcy. and i am scared.

this isnt just some event i am witnessing as an outsider, some headline splashed across the nightly news. this is my life. my mother spent the last thirty years working at GM, like my grandpa before her. my stepdad gave thirty-nine years of his life to GM. and now they sit and watch this all unfold, afraid they will lose everything they have spent their whole lives working for. we have already lost our dental and vision insurance, and the copays on the rest of the insurance have skyrocketed. My dad retired from GM too, so he stands to lose just as much. Of course im worried too. for my family. and for me. how will i be able to stay in college? will we lose everything?

and for anyone who thinks this will only affect people in the auto industry, well, they are idiots. nobody realizes yet how this will affect everyone. everyone. the trickle-down effect will be enormous. i dont think anybody realizes yet just how bad things are about to get.

Clouds are marching along, singing a song, just like they do

[Do You Know What I'm Seeing?-Panic at the Disco]

i saw something cool today. i almost watched a funnel cloud form. i kid you not. a line of storms came through earlier, and when the first one hit, it brought some pretty ridiculous wall clouds with it. the wind started to blow, and it got pretty dark. i was watching out the front window, looking at this one big, particularly nasty looking wall cloud. the cloud started to rotate, and a tiny little piece started to drop towards the ground. other little bits of cloud joined it, all still rotating and moving towards the ground. its hard to explain i guess, except that it was making a funnel right before my eyes. then, as quickly as it had formed, it dissipated and the cloud moved on.

You taught me everything I know. Wave goodbye, wish me well

[Human-The Killers]

so tonight was the first night i closed on my own. and i feel like it went well. im pretty sure that i did everything i was supposed to: i locked the cases, counted checks, changed drawers, locked the safe, and all that. i used an override key for the first time, and figured it out all by myself. i close again tuesday and wednesday nights, by myself. hopefully it continues to go well.

One, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more

[1234-Feist]

im such a sucker for beautiful, sappy love secrets. sigh... i think this one is lovely.

Oh, he was a lady

[Dude (Looks Like a Lady)-Aerosmith]

so this woman came through line today. she had a beard. no joke. like a ferreal beard. it was soooo disgusting that i barely looked at her. thats my story for the night.

I'm not big on social graces, think I'll slip on down to the oasis.

[Friends in Low Places-Garth Brooks]

people are so dumb. its so hard to be kind to ignorant, stupid people at work. and i know im not as nice as the other people at work. people that come through my line need to understand something. i dont care. i dont care about their problems. i dont care about what they are buying or what they are gonna do with their purchases. i dont care about their car, their job, their stupid nutragrain bars, or any of the hundreds of other things people have tried talking to me about. i do not get paid enough to care. i try my hardest to grin and bear it so i can keep my job.

Times getting a little crazy. I've been getting a little lazy.

[Sweet Escape-Gwen Stefani]

second night of work. my feet hurt. i hate people. its was boring. i dont know if im gonna like this job. i dont want to work.

I never saw it coming, I should've started running a long, long time ago.

[Over You-Daughtry]

tonight was my first night at my new job at marsh. i dont know if i liked it or not. there was soooooo much i had to learn. it was ridiculous. i had to know how to ring things up normally, how to process checks, how to use foodstamps, and the most difficult, how to pay with WIC. it was pretty boring though, cuz really, who goes grocery shopping late at night?

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

best night everrrrrrrrr. i cant even describe how happy i am. he texted me tonight. and we talked for more than 2 hours. yes, thats right WE TALKED FOR MORE THAN 2 HOURS :D you cant even imagine how happy it made me. we talked about everything. moving, jobs, living in marion, the future, his roommates crazy girlfriend. just everything. it was fantastic. im still happy. :D

I pretend that you're already mine and that my heart ain't breaking every time I look into your eyes

[Gotta Get Through This-Daniel Bedingfield]

Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret

[Dirty Little Secret-All American Rejects]

david knows about bridge's boyfriend. and i dont like that he knows. i dont like it one bit. i keep hoping he will forget. but he never does. i hope and pray that he keeps his stupid mouth shut. if he doesnt, everything will be terrible. i will have to straight up lie because it cannot get out. please let him keep his mouth shut.

It's not the failure, but the cost of success is the thing i can't help but fear

[C arolina Heat-You, Me, and Everyone We Know]

depressing news today. no money from the community foundation. i have been waiting for weeks, hoping and praying that i would get some scholarship money from them again this year. but no such luck. and i just dont get it. how are they gonna turn me down? im freaking awesome lol. all joking aside, this is a depressing turn of events. i got less money than last year from FAFSA so i was really hoping for some relief from the community foundation. now i just dont know how im gonna pay for tuition this year. dad legally has to pay half, and mom had to pay the other half. but mom just cant pay it. as much as she wants to help, she doesnt have the money and as it stands right now, she could lose everything she has ever worked for if GM goes bankrupt. but thats another worry entirely. so i have to pick up her half. i dunno how im gonna pay for it. ill have to start taking out student loans i guess.

I take my time. There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind

[Remedy-Jason Mraz]

is it so bad that i dont know what i want to do for the rest of my life yet? is it so bad that maybe i just picked a major that i thought sounded like as good a place as any to start? bob was asking me all these questions over dinner. why did i choose my major? what did i want to do with my major? where did i see myself in a few years. well, heres my secret. I DONT KNOW. i couldnt answer his questions. and he just kept asking. finally i just blurted out "i dont know what i wanna do with my life!" and my mom looked so shocked. but i dont understand. how can i, at 18 years old, possibly know what i wanna do for the next 40 years? i cant know. i can only pick something and go with it.

I rather count a million bucks. Anotha day, anotha dolla

[Soul Survivor-Young Jeezy]

i went in for job training today. i start my first day at work on tuesday. i work tuesday night, wednesday night, thursday night, and friday night this week. and i get paid well. huzzah!

Every dot-com's refreshing for a journal update

[Thriller-Fall Out Boy]

i found a new website today. its like fmylife.com, except this is mylifeisaverage.com. my favorite post? probably this one:



"I've never seen a moose... today was no exception. MLIA. "



hahahahahaha i think its funny.

They know I'm paid, living laid in the shade.

[Back Then-Mike Jones]

i got a summer job. at marsh north. i get to work the late shift, which is 6-midnight. im happy about that cuz i wont have to wake up early. i go for training thursday at 2. i start the week after memorial day. im a little happy to get a job cuz it gives me a reason to get out of the house.

And yes I do regret how I could let myself let you go

[Thinking of You-Katy Perry]

this secret could have been written by me, cuz this is pretty much how i feel and its everything i wish i coulda said to him before i left college for the summer.

I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family

[Family Portrait-Pink]

my family has pretty much lost its mind.

im pretty mad at my aunt. she straight up kicked my grandma out of the house. my aunt and grandma have lived together for alotta years now, like 20 years. and about two or three weeks ago my aunt just said to my poor 80 year old grandma "you are too dependent on me. you need to go back to florida or something (where my grandmas best friend lives)" it broke my poor little grandmas heart. granted, my g-ma is the most annoying person on the planet. but she is old and needs help and you cant just kick her out on her own after all this time. needless to say, i am very very very mad at my aunt for how she is treating my g-ma.

my sister is stupid. she lost her job a while ago. she still hasnt gotten another job. she has 2 little kids and a teenager she is responsible for. except she isnt being the least bit responsible. and she hasnt even talked to me, mom, or my stepdad (her dad) in almost two months. i saw her oldest son (he is 23) at the cell phone store the other day. he told me she took his last months car payment to buy groceries. so now he cant pay his bills cuz she wont get a job. he told me a should stop by later that night. then me, mom, and bob went to get some groceries at aldi. i saw her there. she called me over and talked to me a little. when i mentioned i might stop by, because her son invited me over, she said "come over to my house? i dont think so!" and i was just like wtf? and then she saw my stepdad, her own father walk up, and she said "oh great" and stomps off. it hurt his feelings more than he let on cuz he hasnt done anything wrong to her. so i dont even know whats going on with her.

my dad is just being annoying. i havent talked to him in weeks. i dont want to. i ignored his calls so he started sending me sarcastic texts. i have ignored those to, this far.

If you get to messin with my man, you don't stand a chance. No, you're just a homewrecker.

[Homewrecker-Gretchen Wilson]

im pretty sure my stepdad implied i was a homewrecker tonight. its not true though.

i met this guy, Corey, at college like i explained a couple posts ago. he is a really nice guy. he has a girlfriend. i dont see this as a problem. my stepdad, however, thinks that i shouldnt hang out with him much cuz of her. why cant we be friends? im clearly not competition, and besides, he is totally not my type so its not like she has anything to worry about.

anyways, corey mentioned that his gf was coming into town and said i should come meet her. i told my stepdad i was going over to hang out with them. he said "you are going to see that guy again? kayla, he has a girlfriend! you need to be careful. you dont need to go in there and mess things up" like i would do that? not a chance. im sooo not like that. i cant believe he would even imply that.

Every thunder cloud that came was one more I might not get through

[Like the Rain-Clint Black]

tonight i did something i havent done in a long time. i sat outside during a thunderstorm. it was nice. i just sat on the front porch and watched the lightning and listened to the thunder. and every once and a while, a wild rain drop would fly in and hit me. i used to love thunderstorms when i was younger. i loved to sit outside and watch them, or play in the rain, and after i would go out and splash in the puddles and walk barefoot through the wet grass. but something happened over the years. now i am terribly scared of thunderstorms. i am afraid that every single thunderstorm is gonna turn into a raging tornado that will destroy everything. and i dont know what happened. like i said, i used to love thunderstorms. now, every time a storm blows in, i tense up and panic. i have no idea what happened over the years. its not like anything ever happened to make me afraid. but i am. except tonight. well, i was worried at first. they were predicting bad storms and it started out a little rough. but then it calmed down, and all i wanted to do was go outside and watch the storm like i used to. so i did. maybe im on my way to conquering my silly, irrational fear.

!!!!!!

i talked to him tonight :D i got a little brave and just sent him a text message. nothing major, just a little text about being home. and then i waited. and waited. and got sad cuz i thought he wasnt gonna answer me. then he answered! :D and we talked for a little bit. :D and then he stopped talking. :( but it doesnt matter cuz im already happy! :D yay! :D happy! :D

It is so easy to see dysfunction between you and me

[Nothing Lasts Forever-Maroon 5]

so something strange happened today. my father stopped telling me he loved me, like when ending phone calls and such. its a weird feeling, and i dont know exactly how i feel about it. its like this: no matter if the words were true or not, we always said them, because thats what we were supposed to do. and as long as we said them, we were taking a stab at normalcy. at least we were pretending. and as long as we were pretending, it gave me some semblance of a normal relationship with him. then he stopped saying it. finally the true feelings showed themselves. and i guess im sad, even though i firgured this would happen eventually. im not exactly sad that he feels this way. im sad that we cant be normal. sad because it shouldnt be like this. sad because i dont know why it ended up like this. a tiny little part of me wonders if i did something wrong, or if i should have done more, but i refuse to dwell on that too much, because i know that i didnt do this.

It's the simple things in life, like when and where

[All Summer Long-Kid Rock]

so today i hung out with this guy named Corey. I met Corey through Jen at a party at school. and i learned that he is from gas city. when i was on facebook today, he randomly IMed me and said "hey im bored we should hang out." so we did. i drove over to his house, and we took a bike ride to the gas city park. we went to the old petting zoo that i used to go to all the time when i was little. the petting zoo is still there, and it still has the goats and deer and emu that i remeber. but it seems so small and rundown now. maybe it is, or maybe it just seemed that much more exciting when i was 5. who knows. we played on the playground equipment a little and sat around and talked a little. then we went back to his house and chilled a little bit. it was really really nice just to go be outside in the nice weather and just kinda hang out. i kinda missed doing normal stuff like taking a bike ride or just hanging out on the back porch. he is pretty cool. i hope we hang out some more over the summer.

When you grow up, will you be the savior of the broken?

[Welcome to the Black Parade-My Chemical Romance]

True statement.

This will be a long, long ride and I'll be dreaming of coming home.

[Home-Framing Hanley]

its my first night back in Mtown. i didnt really wanna come home, but now that im here, im ok. i think ill be semi-ok for the summer. most people hate it here, and just want to get away, but i like to come back to this silly little town. it just feels very...home-like. and i like it here.

I spend these nights counting stars and wonder if there's hope for me out there

[Runaway-Thriving Ivory]

So im sitting up here on the roof of the parking garage. It’s a nice night. It’s a good temperature. The weather has finally cleared up. And I just wanted to get away for a while. Its my last night here til next semester, and i am incredibly sad.





my roommate left today. i said goodbye to one of my very bestest friends. i almost cried. it feels like everyone around me is gone. and i feel alone.





i still have a lot to pack back at my apartment. i have been packing for hours and im tired of it. packing makes me sad too. im trying to pack away an entire years worth of friends, memories and possessions into boxes, when im really not ready to yet. i just needed a break. thats why im up here. its nice just to sit up here. i can see most of campus. everything is lit up and its really lovely. the stars are out. its nice.





everybody says im being silly. im taking this too hard. quite a few people have said "whats the big deal? youll be back in a few months." and yes, thats true. but everything will be different. mandy is dropping out, and even though she promises to visit, i know once she leaves, we will probably never see her again. lizz is moving off campus. kendra is moving to a different building. katie is getting a new roommate. we are getting a way less cool RA. some of my friends from work are leaving and i dont work with cool people anymore. and of cousre i will miss him.





lizz said "kayla, thats silly. of course its gonna be different. things always change. you cant expect them to stay the same" and i know that, but that doesnt mean i cant wish for things to stay the same, does it?





ok, i feel like its time to go now. four creepers in a car just pulled up. darn them. stupid night-ruiners.

And when it's over, is it really over?

[When It's Over-Sugar Ray]

i am so depressed right now. honestly, i would like to go drink myself into a coma. if only i didnt have a doctors appointment and a physics exam tomorrow...

im sad that this year is coming to an end. my friends are all starting to leave. and its hard to say goodbye. i have come to love these new people i have met just as much as i love all my old friends back home, and i dont want to leave them for the summer. the girl upstairs, katie, left today. i was at work and didnt get to say goodbye. my roomie leaves tomorrow. then i will be alone until i leave saturday afternoon

tonight was my last night at work til next semester. i had to say goodbye to my friends from work tonight. rachel left early and so did tabatha. and i had to say goodbye to both of them. then i said goodbye to my close friend jayne.

i am very worried about my physics final tomorrow. apparently, i am failing the class right now and i need a good grade on my final to just get a C. i dont know what to do. i have an early appointment so i am going to sleep right now instead of studying. i am so afraid i am going to fail. if i fail, i cant go on to the classes i am taking next semester. what will i do? i am so worried

also, as if i wasnt sad enough about leaving my friends and all that, i found out tonight that a guy i like, who i thought had been flirting with me, has a girlfriend. a girlfriend that works with us. and nobody told me. and i found out today. we were standing around at work today and i said to this guy "het, nobody likes you lol" and rachel says "i know somebody who like him" and then she looked right at me and said "i think lindsey has to like him, since she is his girlfriend and all" and i know i must have looked crushed. my face fell, and i spun around and stared at him. he looked away. he wouldnt even look at me. and then i tried to laugh it off. i just had no idea. and i thought there might have been something there.... then i tried to ignore him the rest of the night. which is sad, cuz this is the last time i will probably ever see him. which also makes me sad. when he went to leave, he said "well, i dont know when ill see you again" and i was just like "uh huh" still mad, and he just stood there, then said "well, ill see you soon i guess" and left. i shouldnt have ignored him. i might never see him again, and i was a jerk to him. just great.

also also, i had to say goodbye to THE guy that i like tonight. you know, the one that i am like crazy in love with. we talked a little and i gave him a cupcake lol. then he gave me a very noncommital "maybe ill visit you this summer" and then i said goodbye. my heart broke a little. i dont know if ill ever see him again. and if i dont, i dont know what to do. get over him i guess. thats all i can do.

:'(

sad.

goodnight.