Dandelions lost in the summer skies, when you and I were getting high as outer space

[Crow and the Butterfly-Shinedown]

"There will be other nights i guess"


"but that wont bring back this one"





i found this blog from a while ago that i never posted. it was something cute that he said to me a few weeks ago. now it just makes me sad. its things like this that make me miss the silly little non-existant thing we had going on. i feel like i shouldnt be sad, because as everyone pointed out "it was never official." and i only knew him like 2 months. so there is really no giant emotional attachment. but it just seems like one more thing right now that makes me feel unhappy. i find it hard to feel genuinely happy about anything lately. i know nothing significantly bad has happened. im at college, which i love, with my friends that i love. i just dont feel happy. i feel like all ive done since i moved back is cry. that is not an exaggeration, or some sympathy plea. it is a statement of fact that i am observing about myself. i dont feel happy, and i sit at home and cry. i dont like how i feel. i hate that i have to wake up every day and attend the classes in my major that i am too stupid for, and that i dont really give a flying fuck about. the thought of chemically engineering something for the next 40 years makes me want to swallow a whole bottle of pills. i used to love my job, but now its just a mess of petty squabbling and backstabbing. my apartment barely feels like home. i spend as much of my time at bridges and joels as i do at home. i feel constantly judged and generally alone when im home. and i thought i found a nice guy who seemed to enjoy being around me. he was nice to me, and he was fun, and he seemed to like me for who i was, silly hair and all. and he made me feel happy from time to time. and somehow between saturday and tuesday i fucked that up too. but i dont know how or what i did or anything. and i just wonder what it is. secretly, i figure he finally recognized what i was saying about him being able to find somebody better. i always expected it really, and i wonder if thats what happened, or if i really did something else wrong. i think thats the worst part. i just dont know. if he would just text me and say "hey. listen, you are a dumb bitch and i realized i cant stand to be around you," at least i would know what i did. at least he wouldnt be ignoring me. but i dont know. people keep telling me im sending mixed signals, and im making things worse, and do this, dont do that. im confused. it sucks. i think i wish i hadnt met him. before, i was alone, but i was ok. and now i feel like im just lonely. i just want to feel happy about something. i really just want to stop crying. but im not sure how.