Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

[Closing Time-Semisonic]

everything around me is coming to an end. my life as i know it is literally coming to and end. everything around me is changing and i dont want it to. im not ready for it to.

today was our last wing day for a very very long time. i thought last week was gonna be the last jen-kayla-dani wing day but jen came into town just for our wing day. it was positively bittersweet. it was a super fun time, as wing day always is. but today was the last time i will see jen until one of my college breaks. she is going on vacation tomorrow and i leave on sunday. it was so sad. i love jen so much; she is one of my closest friends and it hurts to leave her. wing day was fun. easy mac barely spoke to us. i think jens pidgeon think made him mad last week lol.

then me dani and jen went back to MHS one last time before we go off to college. it was weird cuz everything was...clean lol. thats unusual for that school. its ironic cuz we said when we graduated we would walk out of that place and never go back, but look where we were today. i know this sounds so cliche, but somehow the school looked just a tad smaller than when we left. not cuz it had shrunk, but cuz we had moved on to bigger things. i remember when i first came to MHS i thought it was big and confusing. for a little while i took wrong turns and whatnot. now, MHS is small stuff compared to my new school, Purdue University. we visited our old teachers, the ones we like anyways, and the ones who hadnt been RIFed lst year. and they all wished us luck on our new phase in life. its so weird. we are going to college. i am going to college.

i am going to college. i leave on sunday. which is in 2 days. and im not ready. not at all. i walk around so sad all the time. i actually cried myself to sleep last night, and i know there are a few more nights like that ahead of me. thats all i seem to be doing lately is crying. i cried when they moved my bed out. i cried twice today. i feel so dumb but i cant help it. i walk around and all i can think is "in two more days i will be leaving. in two more days im going out on my own." everything i do, i realize i wont be doing anymore. like tonight i took my dog outside to play fetch and i thought "in two days i wont have my dog anymore. in two days i cant play fetch with her. in two days i wont be able to walk out into my backyard" and i just started to cry. i couldnt help it.

i know i need to go to college. i have always known that. its what i have to do. its what im expected to do. and i really thought i wanted to go to Purdue. now i wonder if i shouldnt have picked some place closer to home. but i wanted the prestige that went along with saying "yeah thats right. im going to Purdue." the thing is, i just dont feel ready to go out on my own. i dont feel ready to leave home. i dont feel ready to leave my mom. i dont feel ready to go to college. i dont feel ready to grow up. i am so scared. scared of being on my own. mostly just scared of the unknown. i worry i cant make it. i am so scared. and im so not ready to go. i dont want to go. please dont make me go.