ooook so before i start.. disclaimer: this is about to be a clusterfuck of all the random thoughts buzzing around in my brain. im not quite sure what all im trying to say, so this might come out quite disjointed and nonsensical. and this possibly doesnt matter to anyone, but i wish to say it. and i apologize in advance cuz i know this is gonna be really really long. sorry. so here i go.
so there is this boy. and as only my closest friends know, i am quite enamored with him. i have not told anyone else except for a few people that im pretty much hopelessly smitten because just about all my friends hate him. i have secretly pined away after this boy for about a semester now. and a few days ago he very very permanently placed me in the friend zone. he suggested we should get an apartment together, and everyone knows roommates=friend zone. ouch. my poor heart. but here is the deal. he is still my friend. it will take me a little bit to stop dreaming about things that will never ever happen, but im glad we are at least friends. to be truthful, i have always known he is quite out of my league, but a girl can hope right? my friends always ask me "why are you even friends with this guy?" well i first met him through bridge. they had classes together and they studied together. then they grew apart. me and him have the same major, so when we started classes, it was a kind of mutual "hey i know you so lets sit together." and thats how it started. and then, to be honest, he made me feel awesome. everyone knows there are distinct social levels. i have friends and am by no means in the lowest social level (id like to think i have always been fairly average) but i am not popular by any means. joel is the kind of guy that you just look at him and think "wow that guy is badass." normally, people like him do not associate with people like me. they associate with other equally glamorous and badass people. i always wondered why someone like him would want to be around someone like me. im not at all like any of his other friends. and i always secretly feared that one day he would look at me and realize "wow you are lame." but i always felt so.. good about myself i guess whenever i was with him because someone like him was hanging out with someone like me. so thats why i continued to stay around him. part of me worries that one day soon he will drop me "as soon as i outlive my usefulness" i think as i put in one of my other posts. i worry about things like that because i have horrible self-esteem, but also because my friends tell me such things all the time. they tell me he uses me. and as soon as i stop being used, he will leave. because they only look at the bad things he does. yes, he had his moments when he can be kinda jerkish, but i think all people do. but they only look at the bad things and i really wish they would stop and look at the good too. yes, he asks me to do stuff. he asked me to drive him on a drug run when his car was in the shop (which i did not). he asked me to click his attendance questions in chem. yes he asked me to write his english paper for him (which i flat out told him noo way. once he figured out i really wouldnt he let it go.) but he does stuff for me too. he has pretty much either a) done my math hw for me or b) given me his old hw to copy for all my math hw for the last semester (and will continue for this semester). whenever im like "dude im hungry buy me food," he does without question. he had offered to buy me alcohol if i ever need it and he never makes me pay for.. uh.. stuff (which i guess isnt exactly a good thing, but i realize it costs him money and its nice of him to not make me pay). and he does nice stuff for me too. there are days when he walks into class (stoned) and says "i brought you candy," just cuz he wants to share i guess. one morning of finals week i had three terrible exams, he woke up at 8 am just to wish me luck on my finals. he does stuff like that periodically that is just nice. and every once and a while he will just tell me things about himself just cuz we are friends (like about why he took a year off, which he hasnt told many people but he told me cuz im awesome like that) and it makes me happy. and it upsets me when my friends are all up in my business about him, and about the things i do. i understand that as my friends they worry about me. i get it, because i worry about my friends too when i think something is wrong. but they take it too far sometimes. i think i would have never told them the things i did if i had known they would react this way. i told them because i trusted them. but quite frankly, other than a few superrr close friends i wont tell them what i do anymore. in fact ill probably lie cuz they make such a big deal out of everything. sure, in the past year i have done stuff that i would never have seen myself doing a few years ago. and yes, alot of that is because of him. actually, it was always on my life list of things to do anyways, and one day he offered and i decided to be spontaneous for once in my life and just go for it. i feel like i dont want to miss out on things in life, ya know? and after that i guess i did it again cuz it was a good chance to just hang out with him, and get away from everything, class, life, and all that. and not gonna lie, id do it all over again. well, most of it. there was a time or two when it was not so great, but for the most part. i jokingly told him the other day "you are an absolutely terrible influence in my life." he laughed and said "probably, but this is what college is all about. somebody had to show you that." and i agree. if i dont try all this out now, when will i? never. cuz after this real life sets in. so i might as well have fun when i can. i am smart about everything i do. i have limits and i will not cross them. he tried to push me into something earlier today, but i would not overstep the limits i have set for myself. i can and will take care of myself, and i most certainly do not need an intervention as some people have suggested. i just want them to step off a little. i dont have a problem, im just having fun. and all of their badgering is not going to make me get rid of him, it just makes me mad. furthermore, even though everyone tells me what a bad influence he is, and how i need to get him out of my life, i think he has been a good influence in some ways. i really really like this boy. and i decided to make myself better so maybe he would like me back. all my new years resolutions to be better? those were for him, not for me. i falsely though that maybe if i did all these things it would hit him one day "wow she is quite lovely and i wish to date her." well, thats not gonna happen. and i understand that. its fine. there is someone out there for me, its just not him. truthfully, all the working out i have been doing, the tanning, the teeth whitening, the cute new clothes, were all for him. but now, because of the things i am doing, i feel so much better about myself. initially, i was doing everything for him, but now im doing it for me. and it feels good. im glad that he was that one thing that finally motivated me to be better. overall, im glad he has been in my life. ive gained alot of life experience dealing with him i think, and ive had a whole mess of fun with him. and no matter what my friends say, he is in my life to stay. for the time being at least.
holy crap that was long. but i feel immensely better now that i got that all out :)
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