I am being emo

i had a shitty day today. and it just kept getting worse. i skipped my first class this morning cuz i thought class was cancelled. it was not. we had a pop quiz. i missed it and cant make it up. i got a speeding ticket heading back to a place i didnt even want to be in the first place. the speeding ticket will probably cost me somewhere in the neighborhood of 200-250 unless i can get it reduced. i got in a fight with mom about.. well about life really. and im just tired.

and now im going all emo.

im very tired. and mad at myself. it feels like every single time i start to get ahead, something happens and knocks me back down. i was just building up money when my car got towed. then i worked mass hours. i went in every single time marsh or villa called me, no matter how early or late, no matter what plans i had. anytime they need extra help i volunteer. and it is for nothing. and as mom so kindly pointed out, its my fault these things happen because i make stupid decisions. it is. i know it is. im tired of being broke all the time. im tired of being fucking stupid. im tired of other people being disappointed in me. im tired of being disappointed in myself. im tired of worrying about anything and everything all of the damn time. im worried about this damn ticket. im worried that i wont be able to get it deferred and then my dad will find out and he will yell at me, cuz thats what he does. im worried that i cant pay for it, and that i will be broke after this. not to mention im worried that ill never be able to fix my grade after missing this quiz, im worried that i wont have money to pay for next semester after i blow through this, im worried i will have to cancel my math tutor cuz now i cant pay for anything. i just worry so much, about things i cant even control. im always so.. wound up inside. and it sucks. i stopped biting my nails when i was like 13 or so. i picked that habit back up again after 6 years cuz im just so nervous and worried all the time. im just so tired. but i feel like i cant show that. i cant just be tired, cuz that worries everyone else. my mom just suggested she needed to put me in a psych ward. errrca says stuff like "oh you worry me sometimes when you say things like that" so i feel like i cant show it, cuz that makes everyone else worry. so i hide it, which i think only makes things worse. well, here it is. to everyone: i am fucking tired. i am tired of this shit we call life. i am tired of growing up, if this is what its like. i know i have to find a way to deal with everything, cuz i have no idea how i can keep on like this for the rest of my life. and then i feel bad, because i dont have a horrible life. i have a good life. but i am just so tired of being so.. worried and uptight all the time. it really breaks a person down after a while.