It is so easy to see dysfunction between you and me

[Nothing Lasts Forever-Maroon 5]

so something strange happened today. my father stopped telling me he loved me, like when ending phone calls and such. its a weird feeling, and i dont know exactly how i feel about it. its like this: no matter if the words were true or not, we always said them, because thats what we were supposed to do. and as long as we said them, we were taking a stab at normalcy. at least we were pretending. and as long as we were pretending, it gave me some semblance of a normal relationship with him. then he stopped saying it. finally the true feelings showed themselves. and i guess im sad, even though i firgured this would happen eventually. im not exactly sad that he feels this way. im sad that we cant be normal. sad because it shouldnt be like this. sad because i dont know why it ended up like this. a tiny little part of me wonders if i did something wrong, or if i should have done more, but i refuse to dwell on that too much, because i know that i didnt do this.

It's the simple things in life, like when and where

[All Summer Long-Kid Rock]

so today i hung out with this guy named Corey. I met Corey through Jen at a party at school. and i learned that he is from gas city. when i was on facebook today, he randomly IMed me and said "hey im bored we should hang out." so we did. i drove over to his house, and we took a bike ride to the gas city park. we went to the old petting zoo that i used to go to all the time when i was little. the petting zoo is still there, and it still has the goats and deer and emu that i remeber. but it seems so small and rundown now. maybe it is, or maybe it just seemed that much more exciting when i was 5. who knows. we played on the playground equipment a little and sat around and talked a little. then we went back to his house and chilled a little bit. it was really really nice just to go be outside in the nice weather and just kinda hang out. i kinda missed doing normal stuff like taking a bike ride or just hanging out on the back porch. he is pretty cool. i hope we hang out some more over the summer.

When you grow up, will you be the savior of the broken?

[Welcome to the Black Parade-My Chemical Romance]

True statement.

This will be a long, long ride and I'll be dreaming of coming home.

[Home-Framing Hanley]

its my first night back in Mtown. i didnt really wanna come home, but now that im here, im ok. i think ill be semi-ok for the summer. most people hate it here, and just want to get away, but i like to come back to this silly little town. it just feels very...home-like. and i like it here.

I spend these nights counting stars and wonder if there's hope for me out there

[Runaway-Thriving Ivory]

So im sitting up here on the roof of the parking garage. It’s a nice night. It’s a good temperature. The weather has finally cleared up. And I just wanted to get away for a while. Its my last night here til next semester, and i am incredibly sad.





my roommate left today. i said goodbye to one of my very bestest friends. i almost cried. it feels like everyone around me is gone. and i feel alone.





i still have a lot to pack back at my apartment. i have been packing for hours and im tired of it. packing makes me sad too. im trying to pack away an entire years worth of friends, memories and possessions into boxes, when im really not ready to yet. i just needed a break. thats why im up here. its nice just to sit up here. i can see most of campus. everything is lit up and its really lovely. the stars are out. its nice.





everybody says im being silly. im taking this too hard. quite a few people have said "whats the big deal? youll be back in a few months." and yes, thats true. but everything will be different. mandy is dropping out, and even though she promises to visit, i know once she leaves, we will probably never see her again. lizz is moving off campus. kendra is moving to a different building. katie is getting a new roommate. we are getting a way less cool RA. some of my friends from work are leaving and i dont work with cool people anymore. and of cousre i will miss him.





lizz said "kayla, thats silly. of course its gonna be different. things always change. you cant expect them to stay the same" and i know that, but that doesnt mean i cant wish for things to stay the same, does it?





ok, i feel like its time to go now. four creepers in a car just pulled up. darn them. stupid night-ruiners.

And when it's over, is it really over?

[When It's Over-Sugar Ray]

i am so depressed right now. honestly, i would like to go drink myself into a coma. if only i didnt have a doctors appointment and a physics exam tomorrow...

im sad that this year is coming to an end. my friends are all starting to leave. and its hard to say goodbye. i have come to love these new people i have met just as much as i love all my old friends back home, and i dont want to leave them for the summer. the girl upstairs, katie, left today. i was at work and didnt get to say goodbye. my roomie leaves tomorrow. then i will be alone until i leave saturday afternoon

tonight was my last night at work til next semester. i had to say goodbye to my friends from work tonight. rachel left early and so did tabatha. and i had to say goodbye to both of them. then i said goodbye to my close friend jayne.

i am very worried about my physics final tomorrow. apparently, i am failing the class right now and i need a good grade on my final to just get a C. i dont know what to do. i have an early appointment so i am going to sleep right now instead of studying. i am so afraid i am going to fail. if i fail, i cant go on to the classes i am taking next semester. what will i do? i am so worried

also, as if i wasnt sad enough about leaving my friends and all that, i found out tonight that a guy i like, who i thought had been flirting with me, has a girlfriend. a girlfriend that works with us. and nobody told me. and i found out today. we were standing around at work today and i said to this guy "het, nobody likes you lol" and rachel says "i know somebody who like him" and then she looked right at me and said "i think lindsey has to like him, since she is his girlfriend and all" and i know i must have looked crushed. my face fell, and i spun around and stared at him. he looked away. he wouldnt even look at me. and then i tried to laugh it off. i just had no idea. and i thought there might have been something there.... then i tried to ignore him the rest of the night. which is sad, cuz this is the last time i will probably ever see him. which also makes me sad. when he went to leave, he said "well, i dont know when ill see you again" and i was just like "uh huh" still mad, and he just stood there, then said "well, ill see you soon i guess" and left. i shouldnt have ignored him. i might never see him again, and i was a jerk to him. just great.

also also, i had to say goodbye to THE guy that i like tonight. you know, the one that i am like crazy in love with. we talked a little and i gave him a cupcake lol. then he gave me a very noncommital "maybe ill visit you this summer" and then i said goodbye. my heart broke a little. i dont know if ill ever see him again. and if i dont, i dont know what to do. get over him i guess. thats all i can do.

:'(

sad.

goodnight.

i'm keeping the secrets you'd all die to know, but have no shame

[...Because I Spit Hot Fire-You, Me, and Everyone We Know]

sooooo this is my 100th blog post. yay! thats alot of posts. for this post i think ill do 100 random facts about me. just cuz i feel like i need to write 100 of something.

1. I was named after a character on a soap opera

2. I hate sleeping in socks

3. Most people are very surprised to find out that I love rap music

4. I am obsessive about having nice eyebrows

5. I love to watch pro football

6. I love to watch college basketball. I even fill out a bracket at championship time

7. I still watch cartoons. They are awesome

8. I love to sleep in the cold.

9. I keep my room really cold all the time. on more than one occasion I have found ice in my room

10. I only eat the leafy part of the lettuce in my salad, never the chunky parts

11. I am an apeirophob

12. My favorite cereal is Peanut Butter Captain Crunch, but I didn’t eat it for almost 10 years and only started eating it again about 2 years ago. There is a tragic story behind it.

13. I hated my hair for the longest time growing up. I have finally accepted and embraced my hair because it makes me unique

14. I have some of the awesomest shoes on the planet. End of story.

15. am seriously addicted to lifesavers. A day without lifesavers is a very bad day

16. I love to watch trashy Vh1 reality tv shows

17. I read postsecrets every single week

18. I often make up words at random when I cant think of the word im looking for

19. I hate hate hate the sound of two nail files rubbing together

20. I hit the snooze button at least 3 times every morning

21. I have a scar in my eyebrow where I got hit in the face with a swing when I was young and had to get stitches

22. I make lists a lot. Lists about everything. I have a list book

23. I never eat the crusts of my Poptarts. I pick them off before I eat them

24. I operate best between the hours of 10 pm and 2 am. Of course im awake other hours, but those are not my peak hours

25. I have a beastly old cell phone that I love because its pretty much indestructible

26. My besty and I have been best friends since the 5th grade. I heart her

27. I named my car Wilbur

28. I cry every single time I watch The Notebook, even though I know how it ends

29. I pop my neck and back all the time. It grosses my roomie out

30. I like to paint my nails bright colors. It makes me happy

31. I love my job...actually, I just really love the people I work with

32. I am a rather conservative individual

33. Even though I just made the above statement, I am pro-choice

34. I have one tattoo, and I love it. I will definitely get more

35. I have seven piercings in my ears total

36. I have to have a round total of money in my savings account. I constantly move money between my accounts to make sure that I have a nice even number in my savings account

37. I hate spiders. I wont even kill them myself because I fear they will jump on me and attack me

38. I discovered a love for bubble tea this year

39. I want to have a baby when I am 30, because its kinda a tradition in my family.

40. Skipping class makes me feel guilty

41. I am admittedly a pack rat

42. I firmly believe that duct tape and super glue will do just about any job

43. I love to take silly pictures with my friends

44. My favorite fast food restaurant is Taco Bell

45. I have never been to Cedar Point

46. I still have my Super Nintendo that I got for Christmas when I was seven. I still play it. I am a beast at Donkey Kong Country

47. I have a plastic surgery that i plan to carry out when i strike it rich

48. I like to cook, even though I'm not very good at it

49. I will never ever eat broccolli. Yuck.

50. I once broke a bone in my foot by slamming my foot into a briefcase. I still have a little bone fragment chilling around in my foot

51. I go to Starbucks when I am sad or upset

52. Every time I go to Starbucks, I order a java chip frappacino. Every time

53. I broke my wrist roller skating when I was six. As a result, I do not roller skate

54. I love roller coasters

55. I never make my bed. I think it is a waste of time

56. Math and physics are my worst subjects in school, yet I am an engineering major

57. Every year for my birthday, my mom makes the same cake for me. An orange juice cake

58. When I shave my legs, I always shave the leg closest to the shower wall first and the leg next to the shower curtain or shower door last

59. I am allergic to penicillin

60. I used to hate Facebook. Now I am a Facebook addict

61. I love the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. It was my favorite show when I was younger. I had all the toys. I even have a MMPR shirt

62. I want to get an inner lip tattoo

63. I am good at evading the police

64. I love you if you are still reading all of these

65. I have had two poems published before

66. I secretly loved living in Marion

67. I like my lemonade really really sour

68. I am a rather sickly individual

69. I am childish enough that this number still makes me smile a little

70. My favorite color is red

71. I like to have my head rubbed. It calms me down

72. I flail alot

73. Saturday is my favorite day of the week

74. I want to go skydiving one day

75. My goal for the summer is to learn to water ski

76. I write really big and sloppily

77. My favorite flavor of ice cream is Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

78. I am running out of things to say

79. I learned how to make pizzas tonight at work

80. I watch a soap opera, Days of Our Lives, every day i get a chance

81. I prefer Miracle Whip over mayo

82. I clean my glasses all the time because even the smallest spot of dirt on them annoys me

83. I loooove peanut butter burgers fromm XXX

84. One month I sent and received approximately 12,000 text messages.

85. I love to watch reruns of Scrubs, and thats pretty much all I do with my life

86. I think I possibly have the most troublesome laptop in the entire world

87. I have a fondness for scary movies

88. I am a major germaphob

89. I look best in the color blue

90. I go on weird late night cleaning binges. I clean most around 2:00 am

91. I had a goldfish named Princess when I was very young. It died when I was at school, and my mom flushed it. I am still scarred

92. I love to get letters in the mail and wish that more people still sent things snail mail

93. People at work throw parsely at my face all the time. They think it is funny for some reason

94. My favorite animals are llamas. I don't know why

95. I can Cotton-Eye Joe like nobody's business

96. I have a Bucket List

97. I like to go shopping at odd hours of the night

98. The Tard Park is my favorite place to hang out in M-Town

99. I have a red line on my nose from where I habitually wrinkle my nose in a funny fashion

100. This was harder than I thought it would be